Heart on your sleeve; brain on your chest

476 A.D.: Visigoths and Ostro- blow to a player's
goths sack the city of Rome, depos- feet his play on d
ing the emperor and completing the can look into ti
fall of the empire. 10,000 people
477 A.D.: A concession stand Naked" shirts, he
outside the Colosseum begins pride at his compa
selling togas that read: "Friends ligence. So on th
Don't Let Friends Beer Goggle." home game, odds
I've always prided myself on my rassed by about2
ability to dress incorrectly for any anxious to helpy
occasion. So went I went to the ion statement: "I
Michigan/Maryland game last Satur- oxygen at birth."
day I expected to look out of place, The patriotic
-because I refuse to wear any color shirts probably
named after a vegetable. But as I was many of them fe
walking to Michigan Stadium Apparently there
("5,000,000 body cavity searches and wolverine indig
counting"), I realized I stood out for because these cr
a different reason: smoking doobs 1
My T-shirt didn't contain the buns, with inscri
word "naked." Over 35,000 Ston
You see, Michigan football is (Note: These
full of tradition and its most hal- are not to be con
lowed tradition, after singing "Hail the Wolverine." N
to the Victors" and getting arrested, that lovable carto
is dressing like a moron. I like to stands around onc
call it "Bonehead Chic." a big wolverine g
The idea is to lift the team's he's just chomp
morale. You see, college athletes elk's shinbone orI
have long been plagued by the $20,000 dollars
"dumb jock" stereotype, and this stickers. Willy'
SINCE 1989
Nineteen Years ago... October 6, 1970

self-esteem can af-
the field. But if he
he stands and see
wearing "Party
'll be swelled with
aratively high intel-
e way to any given
s are you'll be ha-
20 T-shirt vendors
you make the fash-
didn't get enough
function of the
explains why so
eature wolverines.
.'s a rare strain of
enous to Jamaica,
itters are pictured
the size of hoagie
iptions like "U-M:
ed."
miscreant rodents
nfused with "Willy
Willy, of course, is
on carnivore who
coupon books with
rin on his face, like
ed through a live
found out he's sold
worth of bumper
s bid to become

YONI'JIM~
Michigan's official mascot was
launched two years ago by a pair of
student entrepreneurs with the self-
less intent of giving the U some-
thing many other great universities
already have - wealthy student en-
trepreneurs. They in no way condone
the use of marijuana, which, after
all, can't be copyrighted and thus has
limited profit potential.)
Bonehead Chic, however, is by
no means limited to Football Satur-
day. Ever since Budweiser convinced
America its beer was so powerful it
could make women want to have sex
with a dog, almost every type of
group on campus has come out with
a T-Shirt featuring a popular brand
of alcohol ("Absolut Astrophysics";
"Baits: The Champagne of Dorms"),
with the exception of the opthalmal-
ogy students, who got into a copy-
right hassle with Mad Dog 20/20.
Another popular motif is the Top

Ten List, a concept which has made
David Letterman to talentless hu-
morists what Jerry Lewis is to MD
victims.
But the biggest contributors to
Bonehead Chic are - surprise -
fraternities. Fraternity T-shirt humor
centers around two predominant
themes: 1) Getting drunk and having
sex with women, and 2) Having sex
with women and getting drunk. My
personal favorite shows a drunken
stick frat boy hightailing it after a
stick babe hiding in a set of stick
bushes, with the caption "Run, Jane,
Run!" Glad to see Pan-Hel's date
rape education push is working out
so well.
This brings up another intricacy
of Bonehead Chic: obnoxious torso
wear is apparently a Y-linked trait.
Which leads to two conclusions:
These T-shirts must have some
sort of mating function. And thus
- dear God - some of these people
actually have girlfriends.
Guys, take a break for a minute.
Go grab a Bud Light or catch a little
ESPN or something. I'd like to have
a word, alone, with your significant
others.

OK. Now, then, women, tell me
if the following scene sounds at all
familiar:
Sigh. Another weekend, another
frat party.Why can't I meet a nice
guy for once? When am I ever going
to find that special, sensitive...
Wait. HOLD THE PHONE. Who
is he? Over there, the one wearing
the Vuarnets, with the keg tap in his
mouth? I -I don't know why - but
he looks so, so HOT. Is it the rakish
tilt of his letter hat? The way his
hips swing when he lip-synchs
Beastie Boy songs? No...
No... my God... it's... it's that
SHIRT. "Michigan Co-ed Naked
Lacrosse." Wow, witty AND ath-
letic. Hey big fella, I bet we could
make up a few contact sports of our
own...
Level with me. Was it something
like that? I'd really like to know. I
mean, I'm a pretty decent guy - I
bathe and brush regularly, I know
which forks to use - do you think
maybe, just maybe, I could find true
love if I bought myself a "See Dick
Drink" T-shirt?
See Poniewozik, Page 11

Read Jim Poniewo
HAULElilA

The Brown Jug experience varies from mellow morning music to inebriated evening
eating.
Brown Jug Dining: it s
always an adventure

I I



J

OFF ThE
WAL L

SKETCHPAD

VZINN

_

"Hollywood (AP) - Janis Joplin, whose writing, wailing performances
electrified the music world, died Sunday of a drug overdose at the age of 27.
"An autopsy on Joplin's body disclosed numerous needle marks on both
arms, with several fresh ones on the left arm, the coroner said yesterday. He
said further tests would be needed to identify the types of drugs involved."
Forty-seven Years ago... October 6, 1942
"Oriental Languages, Thai and Chinese, are being offered this semester
for the first time by the University Linguistic departments.
"Recognizing the need that the far-eastern crisis has developed, Prof.
Leroy Waterman said the demand for Oriental languages will be increasingly
important after the war in the post-war construction period. The addition of
these courses replaces the lack in Collegiate language departments where
before only European languages have been taught."
Seventy-five Years ago... October 6, 1914
"Pres. Harry B. Hutchins initiated a new way of dealing with hazing
yesterday. Officials of the sophomore classes in the university were
summoned to the president's office...
"President Hutchins pleaded with the sophomores to use the personal
influence to prevent hazing on account of the harm it does the university.
The second year men declared themselves against the practice, and promised
to discourage it."
Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of the Daily on
this date in history. All articles are taken from Daily files which are open
to public perusal in the Daily's library.

Slave, born to serve,
To the Pharoah, Heed
To his every word,
Live in fear.
(In response)
Is this'the definition of a "graduate
student"?
I'm through with men. I'd rather live
alone than be hurt anymore.
Life is too short to date ugly men.
Is this the world people would make
for themselves if they really had a
choice?
Once upon a time I had a little
money.
Government burglars took it.
Shoot ugly people
(In response)
How do you know you are not ugly,
too? Will you shoot yourself?
- East Engineering

r
DRY RUSAI No HAM
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FOLKS ARETROH6
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'_WH> 16

Z114 DATE
> SE NARS.,.

By Alex Gordon
It's more than a meal, it's an ad-
venture.
Borrowing this popular refrain
from U.S. Navy commercials is the
best way to describe what you expe-
rience when you innocently enter the
doors of the most popular campus
restaurant, The Brown Jug.'
The Jug, for those of you who
are so naive as to think that Beaver
Cleaver died in Vietnam, is the
definitive campus eatery. To go
through your college years without
dining at the Jug is like dying a vir-
gin.
And about the only thing you can
rely on at the Jug is that you will,
eventually, be served something to
eat. The rest is just a crap shoot.
Scientists for years have been se-
cretly working at the Fermi Lab in
suburban Chicago to develop a for-
mula to predict what the exact qual-
ity of one's meal will be at the Jug.
Through a security leak, I've been
made privy to the information in file
LJ-5, known more commonly
around the Pentagon as "the Slug
syndrome"
The research teams have identified
several independent variables that
contribute to the phenomena: time
of day visited, quality of lighting,
booth or table, amount of melted
cheese on food ordered, the patrons
around you, and the relative position
of a Milli Vanilli single on the pop
charts,

Aibout Town E
More importantly however, arej
the dependent variables: amount oft
alcohol or (fill in any illicitc
substance) consumed by the cus-
tomer and the amount of alcohol orc
(again, any illicit substance1
will do) consumed by the waitstaff
or cooks.
Take, for example the following
two, equally probable, scenes.
Scenario one: you're sitting at
one of the front tables facing the
windows next to an elderly man read-
ing Camus's The Plague at aroundc
11:30 a.m. after ordering the special
(a bowl of New England clam chow-
der). from a middle-aged waitress.
Scenario two, and completely oppo-
site from Scenario one: You're one
of a crowd of five people crammed
into a booth below those pictures
from the 1977 Art Fair late at night
after you've been at Rick's for $2.00
pitcher night, sitting next to four
guys loudly recounting scenes from
"Fast Times at Ridgemont High,"
and you order the cheese nachos from
a dazed Janis Joplin look-alike.
Needless to say, scientists are
many years and billions of tax dol-

lars away from making any progress
on the "The Slug Syndrome"
The most popular items on the
menu are the simple ones - the
world famous nachos, the grilled
cheese, and fries. If your looking for
exotic noveau cuisine, there's always
the rice pudding or the fish 'n' chips.
The nachos are so good that it's
rumored that, in reality, Zsa Zsa
Gabor slapped an Ann Arbor police
officer in Beverly Hills because he
had the audacity to suggest the na-
chos at Bicycle Jim's were better
than the Jug's.
The Jug also features a full bar
with weekly drink specials. This can
make the wait for your food all the
more enjoyable.
Variety is the spice of life, so
admit it, everyone has a little Brown
Jug in them. Everyone, that is, ex-
cept for the evil Anti-Brown Jugs.
Michael J. Fox has no Brown
Jug in him.
If you have a favorite place
about town for "Alex About Town"
to visit, send your suggestion to
"Alex About Town" co Weekend
Magazine, The Michigan Daily,
420 Maynard Street, Ann Arbor,
Michigan 48109.
UM News in
The Day
764-0552

"6TWO TNUN
- SISKEL & EBER
...electrifyin
- Kathleen Carroll, NEW YORK
":..Brando is sens
- Peter Travers, ROLLING
:..a powerful and imp
- Roger Ebert, SISKEL &
ME1 6IOW A HITE f[SEAiSON"
DONALD SUTHEREAND JANET S00MAN N PRO(
.TSUSAN SARANDON MARION WHN O DAVE E l6(OIN G O ' N NN
LE A A PAA WEA
~0
STARTS TOI
4100CARPENTER RD. ANN ARBOR
OTH RO ..E .VS .=-

Page 10 Weekend/Odober 6.1949,

Weekend/October 6.19§9,}