Page 16-The Michigan Daily/New Student Edition - Thursday, September 7, 1989


Champion XXL sweatshirts are
brainwashing students, Scout says

0

The University of Michigan at
Ann Arbor. The Promised Land, the
apex, the Mecca, Utopia, Babylon,
the center of the known universe?
Or, is it the Abyss, the black hole,
the point of no return, the Trump
Towers?
Of course, all Michigan yahoos
favor the first option and are appalled
that anyone would even speak such
blasphemy as the second choice.
Which is the whole point I'm
trying to make. Students at the Uni-
versity of Michigan invariably have
this superior, overbearing, starry-
eyed attitude that Michigan is the
only place in the country to spend
your formative years, and is the so-
cial and intellectual capital of the
world.
Why is this the case?
I don't rightly know, although
there are quite a few theories on the
matter. Giving you poor lost Michi-
gan souls the benefit of a doubt, we

I Campus Scout
Clark Benson
University of Illinois Daily Il/ini


Bring your car, truck or van and buy
right off the "Spring Air" truck.

those innocent collegiate sweatshirts
are wired, so think twice before
plopping down another $35 - need
a price check on this one, Al - for
such an item after you wear out the
one you have now. After all, as Dan
Quayle once said, "brainwashing is a
terrible thing, at least that's what
George Bush told me."
But this "don't worry, be happy;
you go to Michigan" belief might
not be a form of mass hypnosis. If
this is indeed the case then the sad
truth must be confronted - Michi-
gan students simply have over-in-
flated egos about themselves and
their school.
Who am I to make this outra-
geous accusation, you ask? Me, I'm
just a humble student at the Univer-
sity of Illinois who happens to have
some friends who go to Michigan.
Now don't get me wrong, I really
like your school. I have visited Ann
Arbor a number of times, and thor-
oughly enjoyed myself.
Michigan has a beautiful campus
and some very interesting people.
And a very liberal atmosphere. I
mean, getting busted with marijuana
only costs you five bucks? That's
great. But the problem lies with the
Ollie North-like self-deluding atti-
tude of the typical Michigan student.
Granted, I may be a bit prejudiced
due to a lingering bitterness at being
ticketed for speeding in Paw Paw,
Michigan on my way up to Ann Ar-
bor once, but I'm certainly not the
only "outsider" that has expressed
annoyance with Michigan snobbish-
ness.
Just recently I got a letter from a
friend who is working as a camp
counselor this summer. She told me
that she had introduced herself to a
fellow counselor who happened to
go to mighty Michigan, and was
greeted back with "Oh, you go to
Illinois. I'm sorry."
I mean, come on. What makes
you people think you're so special?
Big deal, so you actually have to
write an essay as part of your appli-
cation to get in, unlike us illiterate

fools at Illinois. What's the essay
on, Bo Schembechler fashion state-
ments?
While we're on the subject,
what's with the Squeaky Fromme-
like blind devotion to Wolverine
sports teams? Thank God there are
no other schools north of the Ma-
son-Dixon line with your kind of
sheep mentality when it comes to
sports. Here at Illinois we accept the
fact that our football players are
steroid-pumping mongoloids, and
drink our way to a good time at the
games regardless of the score.
Seriously, did the whole "Big
Chill" thing go to your heads? Yeah,
it was a good movie, but were those
people really that cool? I mean do
you really want to end up acting like
Jeff Goldblum?
True, there have been a few im-
pressive real-life Michigan alums,
such as Madonna and Ann-B. "Sam
the Butcher is taking me to the big
Meat Cutter's Ball tonight" Davis.
And there's your monumental Par-
doner's Library, in memory of ab-
sent-minded golfer Gerald R. Ford.
Impressive, yes, but nothing to get
all big-headed over.
How about those quaint Michi-
gan traditions? Like if you step on
the big 'M' on the Diag before your
first exam, you will get an 'F'?
Sounds like an idea stolen from a
"Happy Days" rerun. Then there's
the Greek system at Michigan,
which seems even more insular and
snooty, than Greek systems inher-
ently are.
As long as we're on the subject
of pompous Michiganisms, we have
to remember the biggest one of them
all - the video yearbook. Sounds
like you Michigan 'students have a
quaint, Rob Lowe-like sentimental-
ity about preserving your most pre-
cious moments on film. Wow, you
guys are really entering the '90s
with style and class. Give yourselves
another pat on the back.
One other unique Michigan char-
acteristic is the limited range of au-
tomobiles driven by students. There

seem to be only two choices -
BMW's or beat-up Volvos. Either
way, they have a Greenpeace sticker
(and usually a Deadhead sticker) in
the window. Gotta love that Michi-
gan "It's cool to fight for peace, as
long as it doesn't get in the way of
my first million" attitude.
Ok, so maybe I've been a but
harsh and probably exaggerated a bit.
Just keep in mind that there is intel-
ligent life outside of Ann Arbor.
With the possible exception of Paw
Paw.
- Clark Benson is a colum-
nist/reviewer for the Daily Illini at
the University of Illinois (you know
that school in the middle of
nowhere, the one we beat in the Fi-
nal Fours). He wrote the Campus
Scout column, a weekly humor ori- I
ented piece laden with biting satire
and sarcasm. Past Campus Scout
columnists include Arte Johnson
and Gene Shalitt. Clark likes to de-

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Pres. Ford
will begin with the assumption that
it is a plot, a form of mass hypnosis
induced on unsuspecting students by
your University's administration.
While this could be accomplished
in a number of ways, the most ob-
vious one is right under your nose.
Keeping you warm, in fact. It is
quite possible there is an insidious
mind-control device planted in that
piece of clothing that no true
Wolverine can do without. You all
know full well what I am referring
to - the dreaded gray Michigan
XXL sweatshirt (Champion double-
reverse weave, of course).
Yes, there's a good chance that

Madonna

scribe himself as a mix between the
two, minus the unkempt facial hair.
Clark also won the award for Best
Offensive Lineman on the 1985
Glenbrook North Varsity Football
team at the team's banquet at the.
beautiful Chevy Chase Country
Club in Suburban Illinois. Not many
people remember it, however Clark
collided with QB John Walters,
causing Walters to fumble and
subsequently the Spartans lose the
game v. Maine East that year.
Clark was also held at school the
last day of sixth grade because he
had smoke bombs in his backpack.


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