The Michigan Daily - Tuesday, April 18, 1989 - Page 9

Loam is
nothing
to laugh
about
BY MARK SWARTZ
T HE new Gargoyle is in. It's
called "Fear," and the cover is
chartreuse.
OK. Let's get this over with. Is it
funny this time?
"Yes it is! Yes it is!" yelps the
intrusive Gargoyle staffer, breathing
his stinking gyros-breath down my
neck. He's dangling well over
twenty thousand dollars, cash, in
front of my face, well aware of the
fact that the Daily readership hangs
on every word we print.
But I am a reporter, not some
piece of meat you buy at Kroger's.
Take my word for it, the Gargoyle
sucks. It's not funny.
At least I don't think so. I have
to admit I don't get a lot of this
stuff. For instance, how did they get
that interview with Jack Nicholson?
Why haven't I heard about that affair
with Joan Jett before? I guess the
rumors about her and Michael J. Fox
were ill-founded.
And the "Loam Corner." That's
supposed to be funny? Perhaps the
prestigious editors at that fine
magazine downstairs have forgotten
that the Loam industry is the back-

Wait a second - these Cleveland Indians seem to be celebrating for a change. But only in the screwball
world of Hollywood plot twists and All-American stars like Platoon'sCharlie Sheen (far left) and Tom
Berenger (middle), plus L.A. Law's Corbin Bernsen (far right) could these guys clean up.
Hollywood Indians?

In Major

Leag

BY TONY SILBER
The Cleveland Indians winning
the American league pennant? Only
in a movie could the impossible
become a glimmering hope and the
downtrodden and disadvantaged over-
come adversity to triumph. The In-
dians, permanent tenant in the dregs
of professional baseball for the last
three decades, deserve a motion pic-
ture to portray them asowinners.
They sure as hell aren't gonna do it
in real life.
But it could only be a comedy;
who could take the Indians winning
seriously? The result: Major League,
a predictable, zany, madcap, rol-
licking good time with America's
pastime as a seasonal backdrop. Of
course, the package comes with its
share of problems; after all making a
perfect film is as difficult as pitching
a perfect game, but the fun in the
film more than justifies a screening.
The Indians' owner has died,
leaving the club to his wife, former
Las Vegas showgirl Rachel Phelps
(Margaret Whitton), but Cleveland is
cold and rainy and Municipal Stad-
ium ("the mistake on the lake") is
falling apart. She decides then to
recruit a team that will attract no one
to the stadium (not that many people

;ue , Cleveland r
go now), come in last place, and
move the team to Miami.
Manager Lou Brown (James
Gammon) collects the screwballs and
screwups, convicts and has-beens,
and even a voodoo worshipper -
and to no one's surprise, the new
bargain basement Indians, after ini-
tial setbacks and public ridicule, tri-
umph over their owner and become
winners. Paltry on the surface, cer-
tainly, but the comedic contributions
of the cast carry the film.
Tom Berenger (Platoon, Last
Rites) is rather bland as the leading
character, catcher Jake Taylor, who
spends more of his time chasing
after his ex-wife (Lynn Westland)
than chasing wild pitches from
"Wild Thing," rookie pitcher Rickie
Vaughn (Charlie Sheen of Wall
Street). Sheen turns in a tan-
talyzingly fresh performance as the
ex-convict turned star pitcher who
captivates the once dead Cleveland
fans into a wild bunch.
Corbin Bernsen (L.A. Law) also
leads the team as the vain and
obnoxious third baseman Roger
Dorn, who is preparing for a post-
baseball career as professional
endorser. And how could a baseball
film be made without Bob Uecker,
the ham of hams and eternal slacker
of the baseball world? It isn't and he

eigns

comes along, adding his share of
timeless one liners in that distinctive
Lite Beer style, whatever that is.
Major League must be seen as a
silly, ridiculous, thoughtless yarn
for pure entertainment's sake, no-
thing more - sort of the same way
people think of the real-life Indians.
The flaws here are as visible as
empty seats at Municipal Stadium.
Berenger's character spoils the fun.
The subplot involving the pursuit of
his ex is dull and sophomoric. But
worst of all - considering the cal-
iber of players this team has, how do
they win any games? Who knows -
it's all part of the fun, I guess...
yippee.
These 1989 boys of summer,
courtesy of Paramount Pictures, are
a cross between a bunch of aging
Bad News Bears and The Dream
Team. Baseball's version of Slap
Shot? Perhaps, but it doesn't quite
fit into that legendary category.
Major League is fun just the same,
but Cleveland fans shouldn't get too
excited; it's just a movie. Real life
is much different.
MAJOR LEAGUE is now showing
at Briarwood and Showcase Cin-
emas.

- finally

Done of this nation's agricultural
market.
And a headline like "DRUM
MAJOR HAS NO ARMS!" takes
things a little too far. If the guy can
play, he can play, right? That's the
thing about this whole issue, it
makes fun of all the wrong things,
insults innocent people like Greeks
and Emilio Estevez. I mean, really.

So unless you don't have any-
thing better to do, take a pass on the
"Fear" issue of Gargoyle. Maybe
they'll get it right next time. In the
mean time, be thankful for the "Nuts.
and Bolts" cartoon in the classifieds.
THE GARGOYLE is for sale now
until later in the Diag, the Fish-
bowl, and James Duderstadt's house
on South U., for $2.

SUMMER
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