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GosDel according to Weekend: An exclusive

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Philosophical questions come and
go. Thousands of years ago, it was
"Why am I here?" Today, it's "Why
don't you go away?" But one has
remained constant throughout the
eons- namely, "Is there a God?"
Well, wonder no more - in the
true spirit of investigative journal-
ism, we recently had Weekend
magazine columnist Jim Poniewozik
killed so he could find out for us.
So, thanks to intrepid reporting and
miraculous advances in cellular
phone technology, we have, direct
from the afterworld, an exclusive in-
terview with everyone's favorite de-
ity:
DAILY: Nice place you've got
here.
GOD: Thanks. Smoke?
D: No, thanks. Well, let's start
with the big question. Bad things
happening to good people. Hurri-
canes. Plane crashes. How do you
plead?
G: Guilty. I love destruction! The
terror, the bloodshed, the pathos!
And I do it for NO REASON! Sim-
ply because I AM GOD! HA HA
HA HA! AND, AS A MATTER OF
FACT, I THINK I FEEL LIKE
WIPING OUT SRI LANKA WITH
A PLAGUE OF AARDVARKS
RIGHT NOW! (Laughs) No, just
kidding - don't print that. Actually,

I'm not as bad as you might think.
In the first place, half of your train
wrecks, terrorist bombings, and
mine cave-ins are actually staged by
the major networks on the very same
set where they did the moon landing.
And in the second place, there really
isn't anything I can do about them.
All that omnipotence stuff is basi-
cally hype. Hell, it took me half an
hour to figure out how to set the
time on my clock radio.
D: So you're saying we're basi-
cally set adrift, alone and uncared for,
in a random universe where any hor-
rible fate can befall us with no ex-
planation?
G: Whoa - you really ought to
drop that philosophy class you're
taking, kid. Well, I mean, I'm not
that much of a slouch. I did do a few
of those on my own - you know,
the Flood, the sinking of Atlantis,
the cancellation of Buffalo Bill...
D: And you don't feel at all
guilty?
G: Look - you cheat on your
taxes now and then, I knock off a
747 once in a while. We'll call it
even. I mean, yeah, suffering, inhu-
manity, blah, blah, blah - but there
has to be some room for aesthetic
considerations. Take the Hinden-
berg... (sighs). Anyway, it's not like
it's easy on me, either. The reason

PON JIM
OZIK
the Second Coming's taken so long
is I can't show my face on Earth
anymore -every time a few houses
get blown away by an "Act of God,"
somebody puts a warrant out for my
arrest. So until the statute of limita-
tions runs out, all I can do is make
my face appear as a ring in some
poor schmuck's bathtub every once
in a while.
D: I hope you don't mind my
getting personal, but what sex are
you?
G: Any. I switch back and forth
at will. Actually, there's thirteen
different sexes total, most of which I
rarely used on Earth. There's one, for
example, which can have sex tele-
pathically - Eddie Van Halen's one,
which is why he smiles so much -
and another which doesn't actually
have sex at all, but derives a similar
pleasure from eating foods that are
high in riboflavin.
D: I always wondered what that
stuff was for. Anyway, let's solve
another age-old debate. What's the
best religion?

G: Scientology. Mind you, I look
at it strictly from a profit angle. Any
group that can get people to pay
$1600 for a set of L. Ron Hubbard
tapes is doing something right in
my book. The Catholics had a good
thing going for a while, but it went
downhill after they stopped selling
indulgences.
D: A couple of years ago, in its
April Fools' Day issue, the Michi-
gan Daily printed a mock editorial,
the headline of which read, "God is
Dead." This caused quite a stir on
campus. Did you ever consider'
avenging yourself against the Daily
for this?
G: Of course I did. Did you think
Deane Baker got re-elected on 'his
own?
D: But didn't Alexander Pope
once say, "To err, is human, to for-
give, divine"?
G: Divine? Alexander Pope obvi-
ously didn't live in Sodom. To for-
give is for wimps. But what's done
is done. There's a funny story behind
that, you know - Nietzsche actu-
ally coined that phrase because of a
typo. It was originally supposed to
read, "God is Dad."
D: You mean --
G: Oh, sure. I've had tons of kids
over the centuries. The deity busi-
ness gets pretty lonely, you know;
I'd go nuts without a big family.


Friedrich was just one of the more
famous ones - there's also Sun Yat
Sen, Joanne Worley, Simone de
Beauvoir, three out of the last five
Morris the Cats...
D: ...and, of course, Jesus.
G: What? Oh, no - I forgot
some of you still believe that one.
D: What do you mean?
G: Oh, come on. A woman gets
pregnant without having sex, she
gets a vision in a dream - (Laughs)
didn't you even get a little bit
suspicious? OK, here's the story.
This nice young Nazarean couple
falls in love, decides to rewrite a
couple of pages from the Song of
Solomon before they tie the knot,
they get in a little trouble, and they
come to me with this idea. Well,
what could I do? I'm a hopeless ro-
mantic and a sucker for a creative
story. So I play along with it; pop a
little star into the, sky at just the
right time, scare the hell out of a
couple of shepherds, and I figure
that's it. Turns out everybody winds
up taking it seriously; Joseph and
Mary never had the heart to tell the
kid the truth - not to brag, but it
would be a pretty big letdown - and
he winds up making a career out of
it.
D: Kind of like Charles Manson?
G: No, Charles was my son. He's
out of the will, though. E
__.EZINN
YEP.
y -
"SREP o~l : bN K
OfV W ~ 1tRMmr14...'

tIed Smothered Chicken ($7.95). The
menu also features a Smothered
Steak, but whatever the real differ-
ence happens to be is still a mys-
tery, since the toppings leave the
underlings indistinguishable. At
least the item is true to its name,
first smothered in mushrooms and
onions, and then awash with Mon-
terey Jack.
The dessert selection is limited.
There's hot fudge cake ($2.45),
chocolate mousse cake ($2.25), New
York-style cheesecake ($2.75, and
$.50 more for strawberries), and var-
ious ice creams. The hot fudge cake,
like most of the food in this restau-
rant, was smothered - this time in
hot fudge. The chocolate cake below
was moist and flavorful, making the
pairing a feast for a chocolate lover.
However, the chocolate mousse cake
had more of a chocolate pudding
taste than the richness necessary to
deserve the appellation "mousse."
The service was prompt and
friendly - one thing that can't be
overdone, even at the Bombay Bicy-

cle Club. This restaurant has a repu-
tation for great happy hours, espe-
cially on Thursday nights - Ladies'
Night - when the place is packed
like sardines. In this context, the
food would be fine. But for a serious
meal, going to the Bombay Bicycle
Club is like going to an obscure
Viking spam cafe from Monty
Python-- only here at the Bicycle
Club, the precious commodity is
cheese:
Customer: "I'll have the cheese,
cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese,
chicken, and cheese, but without the
chicken, please."
Server: "Would you like a side
order of cheese with that?"
THE BOMBAY BICYCLE
CLUB, located at 3150 Boardwalk
(off State across from Briarwood), is
open 11:30 a.m. until 11 p.m.
Monday-Thursday, and open until
midnight on the weekend. The bar is
open until 2 a.m. Mastercard, Visa,
Diners Club, and American Express
are accepted.

Read Jim Poniewozik Every
X~-e e




--

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..



EEKEN
SINCE 1989
4LMAN N


W i

Ten Years ago...
February 3, 1979
"The nude body of punk rocker Sid Vicious was found in a Greenwich
Village apartment Friday and police said he apparently took an overdose
of heroin at a party celebrating his release from jail.
"Vicious, bass guitarist with the now defunct Sex Pistols band, was
bailed out... Thursday and left jail saying he wanted a slice of Pizza."
24 Years ago...
February 3, 1965
"The Student Government Council tonight will act on a motion
designed to discourage local realtors from insisting on 12-month leases
for students living in off-campus housing.
"The motion will call for th University to enforce a. student's lease
only for the duration of the academic year."
"SELMA, Ala - Negroes protesting the arrest of Martin Luther King,
Jr. and still demanding the right to register as voters marched trhough the
streets of Selma again yesterday and hundreds were arrested.
"It was the second consecutive day of mass arrests as Negroes
continued their voter registration campaign without letup and with every
indication that it will go on for days."
Items in the Weekend Almanac are culled from past issues of
the Daily on this date in history. All articles are taken from
Daily files which are open to public review in the Daily's
library.

OFF THE WALL
What am I doing at the University
of Michigan?
(In response)
Keeping the means low! Thanks!
Re-elect Nixon for president
(In response)
Why are people so stupid about
politics? Nixon was a blatantly
corrupt man, a bad politician, and
a conservative bigot.
(In response)
But he had nice hair!
Matt is fatt
Jay is gay
Gene is mene
Lou can pooh
Lee can pee
Rick can kick
Dale can't spell
-Graduate Library
...
Who are the Grateful Dead... and
why do they keep following me?
--East Engineering

SKETC IAA
PAC4(AFRM W(4t~?
.YEP
WH1AT kiNO OF SOM 15
'[N 5?

Heading for the sun t
SPRING BREAK?
Let Key Largo help
with a
$200.00 SHOPPING SPF
- Australian Fashions by Ken Don
" Raisins and Cruz swimwear
" Beach Towels/Sandals
 Com plete line of Florida tanning loti
Fill out your registration form t(
* Must present current Student l.D.
*NO PURCHASE NECESSARY
*DRAWING FEB. 18, 1989
*Need not be pre


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ammm-

SHE'S tLA'(aN& Itr N 11 CAME W1il A~
PRAY THiK SWTSiJxr- 7M wR VIDW*of
MR 91TINE.G -f4
5i6-.'
a s

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UK

Patrons enjoy Bombay's diverse menu in the restaurant's
glass-enclosed sideroom.

CL ASSIFIED ADSI Call 764-0557 I')


PAGE 12

WEEKEND/FEBRUARY 3,1989W

WEEKEND/FEBRUARY 3,1989


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