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Resumes: The story of my life
Socrates once said that an unex-
amined life is not worth living. He
examined his own life deeply -
perhaps more deeply than anyone
who ever lived.
Then he killed himself.
There are those who will find this
fact difficult to understand. Those
people have probably never tried to
write a resum6.
Most of us early adults - and
beyond - are in some way dissatis-
fied with our lives. There are things
we've wanted to achieve that we
never will, and we can't kid our-
selves anymore. People younger
than you have won Wimbledon and
you'll never be able to hit a back-
hand without looking like Big Bird.
You never went out with that cute
kid in your 2nd hour American His-
tory class and there aren't any more
proms left. You still can't reach that
top shelf and you will never get any
taller. The little engine can't.
But we manage to ignore it. We
hold on to the little triumphs as
consolation ("OK, so maybe I'll
never be elected president - but I
drank eleven beers last night without
throwing up!"). The fun ends,
though, when you work your last
job for which the only hiring
requirements are things you don't
have: namely felony convictions,
leprous scabs on any part of your
body which you use to handle food,
and a predisposition toward putting
bodily secretions in the french-fryer.
This is where the resum6 comes in.
Resumes shatter the illusion.
Like Kafka's prisoners having their
crimes burned onto their flesh in In
The Penal Colony, a resum6 is ac-
tual physical proof of how little dif-
ference it would have made had you
never been born. The life of Christ,
set down onto paper, filled hundreds
of pages, has been translated into
every major language on earth,
changed millions of lives, and ended
millions of lives. My life, set down
on paper, fills one page of 8.5 x 11
paper - if I use New York instead
of Palatino font and 13 point type
instead of 12 - and altered the
course of history for hundreds of
pounds of hamburger and refried
beans, during the summer I worked
at Taco Bell.
The realization that summing up
your life requires less surface area of
paper than it takes to line the aver-
age bird cage is, to say the least,
disheartening. Even more disheart-
ening is the amount of imagination
it takes to comes up with even that
much. Traditional folk lore holds
that the Face of Death is a skull
wrapped up in a black cowl. A
PN JIM
OZIK
resum6 writer knows that it is
actually a blank Macintosh screen.
Inside that robin's-egg blue rectangle
is The Void.
And as you stare into it, trying to
devise a way to make your summer
working the Frosty-Kone machine at
Dairy Queen sound equivalent to a
seat on the board of a Fortune 500
corporation, it changes. It becomes
every TV screen you spent hours
drooling in front of when you could
have been earning vital brownie
points in Junior Achievement. As
you stare jealously past it at the
geek across from you at the com-
puting center (who you just know
spent last year as the deputy U.S.
consul in Algiers and will beat you
out for this job, and the one after
that - but not the one after that,
because by then you'll be too busy
drinking yourself into oblivion on
cheap hootch to apply for jobs), it
becomes every Automatic Teller
Machine that will ever be "tem-
porarily unable to complete your
transaction" because you ain't got no
funds to transact, pal. And the slot
you dejectedly remove your disk
from becomes the mail slot where
you'll ship your finished resume off
to the next prospective employer,
who, like the devil dog Sylvester
met in Hell, will laugh uproariously
at what a ba-a-ad puddy tat you've
been all your life and light a
cigarette with it.
So is there any hope?
Of course not: life is merely a
series of disappointments leading to
a pathetic and anticlimactic end.
Ha, ha! Just kidding! Well, actu-
ally, I'm not, but if word got out
that anybody offed themselves be-
cause I was too depressing, I'd prob-
ably lose the column. But you can at
least keep in mind that your resume
is judged, like many things, by form
rather than content. Remember when
your gym teacher told you you
weren't there to learn to hit a ball,
but to learn character? Well, in the
same way, your resum6 shows not
how much experience you have - it
shows whether you're enough of a
contemptible, unscrupulous bastard
to make it in the real world.
Sound complicated? Let me make
it simple.
L. I. E.
Have you ever wondered why they
call every distasteful job you've ever
shuddered at the thought of doing
"honest work"? Because that's where
people with the bad fortune to be
honest get stuck. The people with
"diligence" and "sticktoitiveness" get
to take their electroplated gold
pocket watches to their early graves.
Of course, there is a place for those
with genuine talent and intelligence
- riding on public transportation
systems, muttering conspiracy theo-
ries to themselves.
But the well-fudged resume is the
true key to the executive washroom.
Does your resume sound phony?
Good. That's the whole point. The
truly talented, brilliant applicant is
the one who'll steal your job within
five years. But the brown-noser who
lists the job description for "pool
cleaner" as "maintained chemical
balance of aqueous biosphere" will
be your MVF (Most Valuable Fib-
ber) when the Securities and Ex-
change Commission starts asking
suspicious questions. Ditto for
references. A list of three people
who can honestly say what a hard
worker you are is your ticket to
mediocrity. But a list of three people
willing to lie for you - creatively
- is a valuable business asset. Just
ask Ollie North.
See PONIEWOZIK, Page 13
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PASS sports in the
Dick Vitale
Garrulous basketball guru and
media superstar offers his
thoughts on the game he loves
114 E. WASHINGTON
i921
69
Winter Sale
INTERVIEW
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SINCE 1989
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10 years ago...
January 20, 1978
University regents lash out at an agreement with the Department of
health, Education, and Welfare to monitor the University's afirmative
action policy as meddlesome.
"We need to get our own house in order," said Regent Sarah Power at
the monthly meeting.
In the world of music, Johnny Rotten announces that the British punk
rock group The Sex Pistols will break up. The news apparently took
Pistol bassist Sid Vicious by surprise, as he took an overdose of alcohol
and pills on a Los Angeles-New York flight.
75 years ago...
January 20, 1924
"The work of dismantling the shrine in the tomb of Tutankhamen is
making good progress. Howard Carter was able today to remove the roof
of the third shrine to the ante chamber."
"I'll admit that the (Ku Klux) Klan is organizing in Ann Arbor but the
Klan is not for working out individual spites and is not primarily a
destructive organization as The Daily always seems to try to prove but is
constructive, working as so many other fraternal organizations for what
they consider the best interests of the country."
-From a letter to the editor, signed "H.J.K."
OFF THE WALL
There is no youth culture, only
masks they let you rent
'''
Good graffiti is a rare thing
12-13-88: Beautiful campus
(In response)
Shut up & get out of here!
...
Dudes of the Universe unite!
The Battle Hymn of the Republican:
"As he died to make men holy
Let us kill men to make them free
While Ron is marching on"
(In response)
Battle Hymn of the Democrats:
"Duh, let's raise taxes."
It's amazing what people will write
on doors when they're anonymous;
-Graduate Library
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Dick Vitale has been covering college basketball on ESPN for the past
ten years and, more recently, he can also be seen on ABC. Prior to moving
into broadcasting, Vitale served as athletic director and basketball coach at
the University of Detroit, and coached the Detroit Pistons through their
1977 season. Vitale, his wife, and two teenage daughters currently reside in
Bradenton, Florida.
Vitale's new book, Vitale: Just your average bald, one-eyed basketball
wacko who beat the Ziggy and became a PTP'er, recently moved into Sports
Ink's Top 5 list. During a recent trip to Ann Arbor, Vitale discussed his
book, issues confronting the game he loves and this season's Michigan
basketball squad over dinner with Daily basketball writers Steve Blonder and
Adam Schrager.
Daily: You have strongly criticized Michigan's non-conference basket-
ball schedule. Why is that?
Vitale: Michigan is a Rolls-Royce school. The fans deserve better in
the month of December. I have nothing against playing the Easterns, the
Centrals, the Westerns, but I think you ought to alternate the state schools
and sprinkle in there a Syracuse or a UCLA, because you're on the same
level. I say this out of great respect for the Michigan players. I know the
quality of players you have in Ann Arbor, but games against South Dakota
St. and Grambling are booooring. It's an embarrassment, a humiliation.
Nobody likes that day in, day out. Frieder always jokes about my schedule
at U-D, but at U-D we didn't have the luxury or the ability to schedule who
we wanted. The thing I've been trying to compare is my looks and Frieder's
looks. He is the one guy in America I am better looking than.
D: What is the main problem you see in college basketball today?
V: I think you have to look first at Proposition 48. That bothers me
dearly. (The player) carries the sign of a stigma around his neck. It's like
telling everyone 'I didn't get a 700 on my SAT.' If a player sits out a year,
he should be able to practice with the team, and should be allowed to play a
fourth year. Athletes in most other sports have five years to play four. A
Rumeal Robinson or a Terry Mills, if they are making progress towards a
degree, should be able to get that lost year back. It's just not fair.
Proposal 42 is absolutely ludicrous, and will open up a whole Pandora's
box. It is just discriminatory. There's no question in my mind it discrimi-
nates against Black kids. Ninety percent of the people affected are Black.
They should have the chance to fulfill their dreams, too. And the way it is
now, there are just too many negatives in that respect.
See VITALE, Page 12
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RAGE 10 WEEKEND/JANUARY 20;1989
WEEKEND/JANUARY 20,1989