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April 01, 1988 - Image 10

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1988-04-01

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

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TIMES

Vol. IMLIVID, No. 1 Tree City, U.S.A. - Good Friday, 1988 Copyright 1988, The Michigan Revue

Reagan endorses 'Fish'

for

President

Bush

saddened' by the news

By JACK SOO
President Ronald Reagan switched tracks to-
day, changing his endorsement for the 1988
presidency from vice-president George Bush to
character-actor Abe Vigoda.
Vigoda, best known for his heart-wrenching
performances as the poor schlep Phil Fish on
"Barney Miller," announced his candidacy yester-
day.
"I figured that the current president is an actor,
so why can't I be president, too?" Vigoda asked
his large following from the steps of the 41st
Precinct in New York City - the very same
precinct from which Vigoda acted on the ABC
sitcom.
THE VIGODA camp feels that the Reagan

endorsement is a major coup for the "I Like
Pike" campaign.
"With the endorsement, I feel that we could
pass up Pierre duPont in the polls," said Vi-
goda's campaign manager Ron Glass, who also
played Detective Ron Harris on the same show.
When a reporter told Glass that duPont had
been out of the race for some time now, he
replied in classic Harris tone: "Really? Well, we
would have passed him up anyway."
George Bush was unavailable for comment,
but gave a press release to his campaign man-
ager, stating, "Vigoda? Wasn't he Squiggy on
Laverne and Shirley?"
REAGAN, however, was much more in-
formed on Vigoda than his second in command.

"I always loved the way he played off of Woji-
howicz. I thought it was brilliant acting. There-
fore, he should be a great president," said Reagan
on his weekly radio show.
But, according to political experts, all does
not bode well for Vigoda, for he is without a
possible first lady. Vigoda recently divorced from
his wife of 35 years, Bernice, when she ran off to
Minsk with Walter Koenig, Star Trek's Com-
mander Chekov.
ANOTHER strike against the "I Like Pike"
campaign is Vigoda's choice for his Vice Presi-
dent, Ernest Borgnine. With the selection of
Borgnine, who starred in "The Poseidon Adven-
ture," experts say this is the "ugliest ticket
they've seen in years."

Vigoda
... wages presidential bid.

Borgnine
... second fiddle to Fish

'U'

to relocate campus

in Hell; Satan elated

By BIASED MEMBERS OF
THE LIBERAL MEDIA
Special to the Daily
HELL - The University's Board
of Regents announced plans yesterday
to move the University campus here,
addressing students' complaints that
Ann Arbor is just too damn cold in
the winter.
Regent "Whoa" Nellie Varner (E-
Inferno) said the new campus would
add much-needed diversity to the stu-
dent body. "Just because somebody
has been damned to writhe in the
tortuous flames of Hell for all eter-
nity doesn't mean they don't have a
right to a decent education," she said.
ASKED IF the move is perma-
nent, Varner said, "We'll be there
until it freezes over."
Thomas I. Think, the architect
hired by the regents to construct the
new campus, said while the exact
makeup of the campus has not been
determined, Hell's deepest pit would
be reserved for violators of the Uni-
versity's new policy on Discrimina-
tory Acts.
Regent Veronica Latta Smith (GE-
Hades) said the regents arrived at their
surprising decision at a closed meet-
ing last month when "we all got a

little drunk, one thing led to another,
somebody got out a Ouija Board, and
the next thing we knew, there was
this guy with horns and cloven hoofs
handing around this contract.
"WE ALL signed," she said.
"What were we supposed to do? We
thought it was Regent Baker..."
'Veni, vidi, vici.'
- Julius Caesar, not
commenting on this story,
but printed anyway
because we think Latin
quotes sound cool
In an informal Daily poll con-
ducted yesterday, 57 percent of stu-
dents said they supported the move to
Hell. "At least it'll be easier to get
there than North Campus," said en-
gineering sophomore Bob Embarass-
inggrowthonmyleftthigh.
Among opponents of the move
are Ann Arbor's tanning salon own-
ers. Janice Melanoma, owner of Jan's

Palace of Harmful Ultraviolet Radia-
tion, said yesterday, "With tempera-
tures reaching the low millions in
the summer, who's going to worry
about a tan?"
SATAN, Prince of Darkness,
and man about town, was reported
pleased with the move, saying that it
would allow him to keep in closer
touch with his son, the Antichrist,
currently a Business School senior.
"I've already bought myself one of
those cute ties with the little M's all
over it," the Lord of Hades said,
adding that he expects his soul-
buying business to pick up sharply
near finals.
God could not be reached for
comment yesterday at His home in
Palm Beach, California as Henwas
busy tramping out the vintage where
the grapes of wrath are stored. His
press secretary indicated, however,
that He was perturbed by the move.
Several University professors
hailed the proposal, saying the move
would be an invaluable teaching aid,
allowing them to recruit guest lec-
turers from the ranks of the damned.
Adolph Hitler, Niccolo Machiavelli,
and Andy Gibb have all been offered
posts for next fall.

That nutty constitution
U.S. Attorney General Edwin Meese, center, shares one of his classic First Amendment jokes with failed
Supreme Court nominees Robert "The Beard" Bork and Douglas "Ganja" Ginsberg at a recent Washington
gala event. "Due process, free speech, and the right to privacy walk into a bar... " Meese said. Unfor-
tunately, reporters were out of earshot when Meese told the punchline.

I

Short headline
with no details

Lack of protest disrupts Diag

Long-winded sentence in which
the reporter crams as much informa-
tion as possible, including the who,
what, when, where, why, and, if
space permits, the how.
"A dogmatic quote from a colorful
official," followed by his or her name
and the word "said."
Background material to acquaint
the reader who has little knowledge
about the topic. Unfortunately, by
this time, those readers who don't
have a clue, didn't made it this far

and have already flipped to Greek
Gab.
A tpogrphical error.
"Another quote," from a second
source so the reporter can prove to
the editor and the reader that he or she
did some work and isn't making up
this whole story. The most crucial
bit of information which will end up
on the production room floor. Its ex-
clusion will prompt public outrage
and the appearance of a correction in
tomorrow's paper.

By YAKS MATING
There were absolutely no protests
against anything at the University
yesterday, and no one on campus was
offensive or offended by anyone or
anything, although a man who iden-
tified himself as an LSA sophomore
called the Daily at 4:30 to report he
was "a little miffed" his girlfriend had
referred to him as "Tuchus Face".
Michigan Students for Apathy
president Mike Pirgimdiedbutiwon
said he wasn't aware of the lack of
protest. "I had absolutely no idea this
was going to happen, and MSA, ob-

viously, had nothing to do with it."
Interim President Robben Phleg-
ming said, "Ich habe groBe Haare in
der Nase. Meine Frau schlagt mir oft
mit einem langen Stuck Wurst,
wahrend ich vor Freude schrei,"
offering no explanation for speaking
in German.
Barbara Volare, president of the
United Coalition Against Ricardo
Montalban, said they had cancelled
their planned boycott of yesterday's
episode of "Fantasy Island" because
"it was that really good one where
Mr. Roarke is foolish enough to al-

low Tattoo to live out his fantasy,
and it turns out to be to watch Mr.
Roarke fed through a pork grinder,"
she said.'
Another Comical, Riled-up,
Over-publicized Nebulous Youth
Movement leader Jessie Bones said
ACRONYM had canceled the huge
protest they had planned because "we
finally came to the realization that
we are just a bunch of annoying ass-
holes with nothing better to do."
A campus wide protest about the
lack of protest yesterday is planned
for tomorrow.

Phillips
... the only photo we have

FLEMING'S 'HOUND DOG' STARTLES REGENTS:

Presley

's

psyche possesses

President

By WINKY DINKY DAWG
Special to the Daily
NASHVILLE, Tenn. - Interim
University President Robben Flem-
ing was allegedly possessed by the
ghost of Elvis Presley at yesterday's
monthly Board of Regents meeting.
"When (Fleming) came into the
meeting, he looked fine," said Regent
James "Roger/Muddy, Take Your
Pick" Waters (D-Muskegon). "But by
the end of the meeting, he was wear-
ing a white jacket with studs, and he
had these long sideburns."
"PLUS, HE was sweating pro-
fusely," added Regent Philip "I Have

manded to see someone named "the
Colonel."
AUTHORITIES believe Flem-

in Las Vegas, then turned to Regent
Veronica "Betty, Jughead, and
Archie" Smith (D-Riverdale High)

jumped on it and performed
guitar rendition of "(You
Nothin' But A) Hound Dog."

an air
Ain't

'Ahooooooohhhooooaaa!'
- Interim University
President Robben
Fleming, quoting Little
Richard, who probably
, .' n 1

AT THIS juncture, most of the
regents realized that Fleming had
been possessed by Presley. Regent
Neal "Neil" Nielsen (R-Wounded
Knee), however, said things were
still normal.
"I was upset that (Fleming) didn't
sing 'Heartbreak Hotel.' I like that
song," said Nielsen.
Fleming, however, did sing a

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INSIDE
The Daily endorses Pat Robertson for
president.
RADICALS.Page 4
Forrner 'U' President Harold Shapiro
will return to campus to take over as
Athletic Director. I

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