:

0

The Transfer
Conundrum
The realization
that I could
change a negative
situation gave
fme a sense
of self-control

BY JEAN DYKSTRA

it can be even harder to admit that you have made
Nhoosing a college is hard, as everyone knows. But
the wrong choice and decide to start all over
again. As a transfer student, I know just how
difficult it was to concede defeat, in one sense, and
cut short what I thought would be an exciting four-year
experience. On the other hand, I also know how much
happier I am, having spent nearly three years at a school
that I enjoy.
As an 18-year-old, I had no clear idea what I wanted from
college. Had I been more experienced, I might have recog-
nized the signs that something was amiss. I did not feel the
excitement and anticipation evident among my friends
and even my parents. My first problem, I think, was that I
felt somehow extremely unprepared for college. Yet I
would never have considered postponing my studies for a
year. That idea implied "throwing my life away," and I felt
pressed to choose a possible career and a school. I didn't
know enough then to realize that not going to college right
away need not mark the end of self-esteem.
Dissatisfaction with my first school began before I ever got
there. The college I had wanted to attend was expensive and
ivy-covered. Since I'd been fortunate enough to be accepted, I
thoughtIhadarightto attend. My family, however, is in that
awkward group of upper-middle-class Americans not poor
enough to qualify for financial aid and not rich enough to
really afford the tuition. Unable to understand the unwill-
ingness of my parents to sink into debt to send the first of
three children to school, I sulked when I declined my Ivy
League acceptance. The college I attended my freshman year
was chosen more out of frustration than out of any "gut
feeling" that I would be happy. Still, the decision made, Iwas
sure that soon I would wear university sweat shirts and be
impatient for vacations to end.
Instead, I found myself on a Greyhound heading home
whenever possible and in tears when I had to return to
school. I was very unhappy, yet at the same time convinced
that were I "normal" I would be perfectly happy. The last
thing I wanted to do, of course, was to confess to anyone my
failure as a freshman. I was ashamed and embarrassed by
the homesickness that refused to pass with time. I made
excuses for frequent four-hour bus trips home. (My sister
would be crushed if I didn't see her band concert.) Reunions
with high-school friends were painful; I forced a smile and
said school was fine, while they exuberantly praised cam-

pus life. I listened to Simon and Garfunkel's "Homeward
Bound" to make sure I was as miserable as possible.
A compounding difficulty was that I couldn't pin down my
reasons for not liking school. The attachment I expected
simply never occurred, while a general feeling of discontent
remained. I did very well academically and enjoyed my
classes. I even made a few of those freshman-year friend-
ships that are unique simply because you are thrown togeth-
er during that first disorienting year. But I remained alien,
an out-of-state student at a state university that emptied on
weekends. It must be my fault that I couldn't manage to be
like every other content American college freshman. Maybe
I shouldn't attend college at all.
Or maybe I should simply go elsewhere. I realized that to
be happy I had to change something instead of thinking it
was too late. Once a decision is made, anxiety usually de-
creases. That worked for me when I decided to transfer.
The decision was, as I knew it would be, far from easy. Did I
really want to replay freshman year? Did I want to leave the
close friends I'd made? Would they be offended? What would
my family think? And, of course, what if I wasn't happy at
another school? At least now I only suspected that I wasn't
cut out for college: if I wasn't happy elsewhere it would be
confirmed!
I slowly began to look at the situation differently and to
understand that instead of running away from something I
was making a mature decision to move toward something
new. Instead of considering myself a failure, I resolved to
look at the year constructively and to learn from my mis-
takes. Once the choice was made and I decided to transfer, I
began to look forward to the next September with all of the
anticipation I should have felt a year before.
Better at it: Rutgers was more appealing-also a state
university, but my state's university, urban and diverse,
with an interdisciplinary honors program and an excellent
English department. Although I expected the people at my
first school to take my decision personally, they were actual-
ly quite supportive, as was my family. I was more confident
and not really a freshman again but a more experienced new
student. Going through that first weekend as a sophomore
and playing "getting to know your floormates by connecting
their names with a food" was even less fun the second time,
but at least I was better at it.
I found that I was better, in fact, at everything involved in
being a new student. I also noticed that fellow transfer
students (most of whom, unlike me, transferred following
their sophomore years) tended to share a sense of self-
assurance; after having gone through the thought process
and making the decision to start at a new school, they
seemed to have a stronger sense of commitment than other
new students. I was more confident in my choice than I had
been a year before and more comfortable with the social
maneuverings. I could even almost bring myself to laugh off
the poster of David Lee Roth in a leather G-string that my
roommate placed at the foot of my. bed.
This is probably the school Ishould have chosen from the
start, but what is important is that I am there now. The
realization that I could do something to change a negative
situation gave me a sense of self-control. Regardless of the
burdensome idea of "starting over," either academically or
socially, my decision to transfer was extremely positive. I
managed to transfer with no loss of credits, and I still keep
up with people from my first campus. I decided to leave a
school that I was only enduring to attend one that I would
enjoy. I didn't really start over from the beginning after all
but instead moved on to a better college career.
Jean Dykstra is a senior English major at Rutgers.

44 NEWSWEEK ON CAMPUS

MARCH 1988