I

THE SPORTING VIEl

ids

By STEVEN GINNS
Captain Kirk was wrong...sports
is the final frontier.
-Warning to Peter Ueberroth,
Commissioner of Baseball: with the
Toronto Blue Jays and Montreal;
Expos in contention for the playoffsg
and World Series, the Canadian
conspiracy to take over America's
favorite pastime is succeeding.
Currently the Blue Jays are tied for
first with the Tigers, while Montreal
is in third place, three games behind
the St. Louis Cardinals in the
National League East.
-Dieter of the year award goes to
former Tiger great Denny McClain.
After losing about 75 pounds in
prison, he celebrated his release with McE
a few double cheeseburgers and
french fries.
-Quote of the year award goes to Tigers utility
infielder Jim Walewander. Walewander was asked,
"What's the difference between the minor leagues and
the major leagues." He responded, "There's less bugs in
my apartment."
-Since his violent outbursts no longer help lead him
to victory, John McEnroe, who has not won a major
tennis tournanment since his return and is struggling to
regain his tennis game, should try corking his tennis
racket or scuffing the ball.
-Having the National Football League go on strike
is the only chance for the Detroit Lions to make the
playoffs, just like they did in 1982 when a strike lasted
for seven weeks and the Lions made the playoffs with a
losing record.
-With college football ready and able to fill the void,
would anyone care if the NFL goes on strike?

Jays, Expos succeed
at America's pastime
-The NCAA announced today that
it will change its name. From now
on it will be known .as t h e
Hypocrytical Collegiate Athletic
Association (HCAA). This move
makes perfect sense considering its
recent policy of punishing some
athletes who have violated its rules,
yet rewarding others, who were
found in violation of NCAA rules.
For example, Minnesota quarterback
Rickey Foggie was suspended for
two games because he failed to pay
back a loan from an assistant coach,
while Ohio State's Cris Carter was
drafted by the NFL after admitting to
t taking money from an agent.

Is

The Hypocrytical Collegiate
Athletic Association is also
considering adding a league for
nroe programs placed on probation. All
help collegiate athletic programs placed
on probation in the last fifteen years
are eligible. Here is its philosophy:
1. Cheating is not everything - it's the only thing.
2. All players must give 100 percent at all times,
and if that does not work, give all players 100 dollars.
3. Scholarships will be awarded on the basis of
hove many NCAA rules were violated-one scholarshipi
per one violation.
. A merger with the NFL is planned to occur within
-five years.
-In a recent court case, a 40-year old Californian'
pleaded no contest to assaulting a teen-age umpire in a
little league game. As punishment he had to pay a fine
and write a 1,000 word essay on "proper behavior at a
sporting event." Using this as a precedent, Peter
Ueberroth will now make it mandatory for any manager
ejected from a game to write on a blackboard 1,000
times, "I will not yell at the umpire."

DETROIT (AP)-The Detroit
Red Wings have suspended right
wing Joe Kocur indefinitely for
insubordination, coach Jacques
Demers said yesterday.
The incident involved a Red
Wings assistant coach.
"It wasn't anything physical,"
club spokesman Russ Gregory said.
"I can't elaborate on that."
Kocur was one of nine right
wingers at the NHL club's training
camp in Flint.
Known as one of the club's
enforcers on the ice, Kocur led the
Red Wings with 276 penalty
minutes last season and had nine
goals and nine assists in 77 games.
He added two goals and three assists
in 16 playoff games.
Illins seek QB
CHAMPAIGN(AP)-Illinois
coach Mike White, disappointed
with his team's offensive punch,
announced Tuesday that t h e
quarterback job will be a three-way
battle after two weeks with Brian
Menkhausen as the starter.
Menkhausen, a sophomore, will
have to outplay junior college
transfer Scott Mohr and sophomore
Peter Freund to win back the
position for Saturday's game against
East Carolina, said White.
"I don't like being in the position
of going into the third game not
knowing who the quarterback is,"
White said. "There is a good chance
Brian Menkhausen will not start the
game."
MENKHAUSEN has

The Michigan Daily-Thursday, September 17, 1987- Page 11
SPOR TS OF THE DAL Y
Kocur suspended by Red Wings


BOOK SHOP

completed just 42 percent of his 60
passes for 253 yards and has been
intercepted five times in losses to
North Carolina and Arizona State.
White, however, said it was not all
Menkhausen's fault and noted that
some good passes were dropped by
receivers.
White said that coaches will
evaluate the quarterbacks this week
before naming a starter and added that
any or all of the quarterbacks could
play against East Carolina.
"Maybe there's somebody...on
the bench who can put this offense

ENIf
'ENS

together," White said.
Menkhausen, who started some
games in 1986, has the experience
advantage. Mohr, one of the best
California junior college passers, has
an excellent arm but is "awful" in
practice, White said. He said Freund
has mastered the mental part of the
game and is good at making
decisions.

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