Ma , Remarkably long stories - Pretentious, esoteric music
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Ninety-seven years of editorial baloney
VOL.=LxWxH AMANDA ARBOR, MICHIGAN- THE EARLY 25th CENTURY COPYRIGHT 1987, ROB EARLE PUBLICATIONS
By HUGH JARDON
Jan Brady, the eldest daughter of
Mrs. Brady, was arrested last night
and charged with running a prost-
itution ring on Fourth Avenue.
Leo Heave-me, Director of Uni-
versity Public Safety, claims he
was working undercover last night
when he encountered Brady who
said, "What's cooking good
looking? Want to have a groovy
time with me?" Heave-me then
presented Miss Brady with his
badge, pulled the gun he had with
him because, said Heave-me, "she
was being quite unruly," and
brought her in for booking.
Miss Brady refused to comment
on the arrest but family spokes-
woman and housekeeper, Alice, said
that "Mr. and Mrs. Brady are
terribly saddened by the whole
thing. We never thought that Jan
would turn out like that. She
seemed like such a model child,
especially when the poor kid had
the measles along with Marcia and
Cindy and the boys. She helped
r make everybody happy, which just
put such a smile on Mr. and Mrs.
When asked if she had been
aware of Jan's prostitution ring,
Alice replied, "We never had any
idea. She called home every Sunday
and said that she was just having a
groovy time in Ann Arbor. How
were we supposed to know that she
was dealing in sexual fulfillment?"
Jan was released on bail early
this morning which was posted by
Mr. and Mrs. Brady who said they
were going to ground her for a week
without any TV.
See BRADY BUNCH, Page 7
Reagan caught with
hand in cookie jar
By ALS HYMER
A federal grand jury indicted President Ronald Rea-
gan yesterday on 37 counts of senility. Meanwhile,
leaders on Capitol Hill announced the formation of a
select Congressional Committee on Ser ility to
investigate the charges and possibly recommend im-
The bipartisan committee will be chaired by
Representative Claude Pepper (D-Fla), who himself
has a history of falling asleep during his daily
excursion to the Congressional Cafeteria.
Reagan denies the allegations brought against him
by colleagues and advisers. They include: mistaking
Fawn Hall for wife Nancy qn more than one
occasion; not disclosing the disappearance of his jelly
bean jar as the real reason behind his recent anal
prostrate surgery; not accurately informing the public
that his California ranch is in reality the George
Burns Home for the Aged and the Mentally Lame; and
diverting Girl Scout Cookie revenues to Rev. Sun
Myung Moon and the Unification Church.
PRESIDENTIAL Spokesman Martin Fitzwater
denied Reagan's involvement in the scandals.
Many administration officials including Secretary
of State George Schultz were not surprised by the
"Finally someone has learned the truth about Rea-
gan. He can't even count to 21 with all of his clothes
on. How was the American public stupid enough to
elect him once, let alone twice?" Schultz said.
The alleged diversion of Girl Scout cookie profits
to support mass marriage activities of the Unification
church were unveiled by a source inside the Reagan
family. The informant, known only as "the banana
swallower" insists that Reagan has long believed that
the Reverend Moon is "a real swell fella."
THE PRIMARY defendant in the "seniligate-
cookie diversion" case, 11-year-old Ingrid Kock, the
niece of the White House janitor, invoked her Fifth
Amendment right against self-incrimination.
Witnesses report having seen Ingrid and her parents
burn Girl Scout cookie order forms in the family bar-
Reagan, through a spokesman, denies any in-
volvement with the Girl Scouts of America.
"I want to get to the bottom of this whole mess
just like everyone else does. I've told you everything
I know. I am responsible for the actions of my
subordinates and I only wish they would come forth
and tell me everything," he said.
Pepper thinks, however, "Reagan clearly must
know something. The question is what he knew,
when he knew it, and when he forgot it.",
See GIRL SCOUT, Page 99
Y ooow vch ! Daily Photo by SCOTT LITUCHY
LSA freshman Joe Schlabotnik squirms in agony after a tennis ball struck
him in the genitals. Schlabotnik also suffered a hernia when the ex-
cruciating pain caused him to bend over backwards.
Rev. Bakker blasts 'Price is Right'
By MORT CHESTER
Preacher Jud joined the fray of
religious ministers attacking Jim
Bakker yesterday by calling the
minister a "Satanic backtracking on
the 2-record set of Christ."
Jud, who has charmed Diag
listeners with his eloquent yet
obnoxious tirades, said Bakker
"ought to be burned with all those
other wierdos, yogurt eaters, and
condom-distributing secular human -
Jud was only one of a series of
ministers who has come out and
condemned Bakker for having an
affair with his secretary.
Others involved in the fray
include the Rev. Robert "Win"
Schuller, Jimmy Swaggart, and Or -
al "The eight million dollar man"
GAME show host Bob Barker
also became involved in the debate
after one minister attacked the
"Hour of Power." The "Hour of
Power" is the nickname of both a
religious show and Barker's own
"The Price is Right."
"I thought they were attacking
my show. As if I don't already have
enough troubles worrying about
Vanna White and that little Sajak
wimp," Barker said in an un -
characteristicly harsh tone. "Those
fundamentalists have always been
after me. They hate when I remind
people to get their dogs spayed or
neutered at the end of the show."
Many of the preachers have been
reluctant to forgive Barker's
mistake and have attacked him
repeatedly. Pat Robertson called the
showcase showdown "a hoax and a
ripoff. I'll bet that wheel's fixed."
The Rev. Jimmy Swaggart attacked
the clock game as "stupid."
Secular humanists have been
watching the religious civil war
with intense interest. "We all knew
they were loons," said Norman
Lear, founder of the Love Boat and
People for the American Way, a
secular humanist group.
"Jimmy Swaggart has succeeded
in doing what very few people
could do," said Lear. "That is, make
Jerry Falwell look like a moderate."
In a related development, Play-
boy has announced it will capitilize
on the religious war. The magazine
announced it will come out with a
May theme issue of "Women of the
PTL." PTL stands for "People
'U' to build shantytown in
Diag to solve housing crunch
By ANITA HOLM
The University will build a shantytown on the
Diag to provide an alternative for students affected by
the housing shortage and high costs of living in Ann
"We feel this is the best choice for students who
cannot find or afford off-campus housing. A shanty-
town would be inexpensive, centrally located, near
classes and the libraries, said Robert Huge, Director
of University Housing.
He also added the Diag is well-lit and safe.
Although the shanties will be built over the sum -
mer, students will not move in until Fall,1988 so
that University warmth-designers can figure out a way
to heat the shanties during the winter.
University officials are als'o considering building a
neighboring shantytown in the Law Quad if the
housing shortages persist.
Huge said about 150 shanties will be built,
including a central shanty containing eight showers
and twelve toilets and sinks for those students who
cannot make it to the buildings surrounding the
Students will need a shantytown I.D. card in order
to gain access to the central shanty, and will only be
allowed ten minutes to use the "Washanty." This will
be enforced by security guards, according to Director
of University Public Safety Leo Heatme.
Security guards will also be on hand to enforce the
previously repealed party policy, which will be in
effect in Shantytown, to ensure the noise levei irom
the shanties does not bother nerds studying in the
Huge said the shantytown came as a result of
many student groups who protested the current
"The Diag is an ideal location because students
love to 'hang out' there anyway," Huge said.
The best advantage to building a shantytown is
that it doesn't cost much because the University can
get materials from local scrap yards and junkyards,
and the Diag is really the only space close to campus
where the University can build, he said.
"Students don't really care about where they live,
as long as it's cheap and they have a good time,"
Sherie Vartan, a University housing advisor,
agreed that a shantytown would alleviate a lot of the
problems students bring to the housing office.
"Students are always complaining about not find-
ing the housing they want - It's too expensive, it's
scary, it's ugly, I hate my roommates,' I've heard it
all!" Vartan said.
"A lot of students will choose to live in the
shantytown instead of dorms, so entering dorm lot-
teries will stop being such a traumatic experience
because less people will enter them.
Vartan added that as many people who can fit in
the shanty can live there, thus further alleviating the
costs to the student.-_
Cool dude Daily Photo by JOHN MUNSON
University President Harold Shapiro gets his ear pierced in an attempt to identify with the students on cam-
pus. "I want to relate to the students. No more three-pieced suits for me, just jeans, a T-shirt and some really
cool shades," said Shapiro.
PIRGIM disbands after obtaining MSA funding
Nobody's interested and nobody cares, do
By MISS QUOTE-ME
The Public Interest Research
Group in Michigan decided unan-
imously last night to disband imm-
ediately, refusing financial support
from the Michigan Student Ass-
Although the environmental
group has fought for over five years
to establish a refundable fee system,
PIRGIM members said the goal
THE GROUP also expressed
concern that the greatest
environmental hazard on campus
was leftover PIRGIM campaign
posters. "Our poster campaign was
really effective, but I guess it
defeated our purpose," said PIRGIM
member Wendy Sidehand.
Several PIRGIM members
disagreed with the plan to leave
campus when it was proposed
as bank service charges and bar
The members spent their final
days surveying the fees students pay
on the Student Verification Form,
including MSA fees, school and
college government fees, and the
recently approved PIRGIM fees.
"Wesurveyed the MSA fees and
found that the money going to
gonna throw it all away, all of our
efforts," said MSA President-elect
Ken Whine. "We really thought
this refundable system was finally
going to work."
"I guess it shows that PIRGIM
members are willing to dedicate
themselves to what they believe in,
but they don't really know what to
do when they get there," Whine
Moral Majority leader Jerry Fal -
well is a "credit to his race" and
should run in the 1988 Presideas -
COMMIES, PAGE NEVER
Opus sets to "rock da house"
with the Beastie Boys, a 25-foot
phallus and naked women.
ARTS, PAGE SEX
Michigan football coach Bo
Schembechler has diarrhea.