Monday, December 1, 1986
The Michigan Daily
By Kurt Serbus
Firewalker, the latest Raiders
ripoff, is about as lame as you'd
expect. That is, it's about par for a
movie built on a formula-and
nothing else. It's a film that-like
Crocodile Dundee and The
Wraith-tries to cash in on its
innocence, hoping to get by on a
friendly smile and a nod to the
current public yen for nostalgia.
The technical quality is wretched,
the script could have been written
by a computer, and the acting
ranges from charmingly amateur to
But what the hell-the good
guys win, the bad guys lose, and
the hero and heroine fall in love,
even though they're from the
opposite sides of the tracks. And
since this is what life in Reagan's
America is all about, these films
get fairly wide release, fairly heavy
promotion, and do fairly well.
8 Million ways To Die never
got wide release. Salvador never
got heavy promotion. Any movie
with some decent-sized nuts these
days can pretty much be counted
out of the box-office race. Of course
it's not a new trend-it's been the
status quo for years. But this trend
seems to be catching fire in
Hollywood all of a sudden, and I'm
goddamn sick and tired of it.
"But it's harmless fun," say the
portly, middle-aged women standing
in line. "And besoides" (they
always say 'besoides' when they
mean to say 'besides') "besoides,
Paul Hogan/Chuck Norris/
Chawwwlie Sheen looks soooo
Yeah. Harmless. fight. It's not
bloody harmless when crap-like this
clogs up all the theater schedules
(instead of being shuttled instantly
to HBO L ate Night where it
belongs) and really good movies
have to sneak in through the back
door. But I digress.
Firewalker is the tale of two
grungy soldiers-of-fortune (Chuck
Norris and Lou Gossett) who get
hired by a naive gal from the nine-
to-five world (Melody Anderson) to
help her go after some buried
Question: Do they get the buried
treasure and end up sailing around
the world in style, a dream of theirs
which was mentioned several times
throughout the film?
Answer; Yes, they do.
Question: Which grungy soldier-
of-fortune does Anderson fall in
love with: Norris, who is white, or
Gossett, who is not?
Answer: Though Anderson and
Gossett do have a cozy fireside chat
together, the subject of conver -
sation is Norris. The Karate Kid
Question: When the evil Indian
shaman gets shot just split-seconds
before he buries a dagger in
Anderson's chest, and the adven -
turers are walking away with the
treasure, and everything seems to
have worked out perfectly, does he
suddenly come back to life through
some strange, unexplained voodoo
and leap on Norris so that they have
to kill him again in another
climactic fight scene and this time
throw magical powder all over him
to make sure he stays dead?
Answer: Yes, he does. And don't
furrow your brow and go "Awwww,
man" like I just gave away
something, because you'd have to
be a corpse to not be able to call
every shot in this movie way in
So if this is really the way you
like your entertainment-innocent,
predictable, and shamelessly
lame-then go see Firewalker. But
make sure you catch the early
show, so you can get home in time
to watch your favorite TV series,
Knight Rider, after which you can
mellow out with the latest from
Huey Lewis. It's all just harmless
'Billy Bragg plays A2
By Danny Plotnick approached to do benefit gigs at
Billy Bragg will be pullin' his home-I've never done one in Am -
Blectric guitar, his amplifier, and erica, so I jumped at the op -
his soapbox into the Nectarine Even though Bragg's latest
Ballroom Monday night to headline album, Talking with The Taxman
a benefit for Amnesty International About Poetry, is loaded with
and The Ann Arbor-Managua additol is and itu
Initiative for Soil Testing and Agri- additional musicianship and instru -
cultural Development (AMISTAD). mentation, Bragg is touring as a
Amnesty International is the Nobel one piece. "I play 'em solo live, so
Prize winning human rights group I'm not gettin' away from the solo
that helps defend political prisoners one man and his guitar thing."
around the world, and AMISTAD is Not only is the new record full
a local group that will send a of new instruments for a Bragg
construction brigade to Nicaragua in recording, but it is also full of new
January to help build soil testing sounds. On the saloonesque
facilities. Honey, I'm a Big Boy Now,"
Bragg is no stranger to benefits Bragg says, "In England we have a
due to his involvement with tradition of musical men standing
benefits for striking coal miners in by pianos singing songs that
England. Bragg's political con - could've been like burlesque or in a
sciousness and conviction, and his particularly sleezy brothel." On the
rapport with his audience make him country/western B-side "Deportees,"
a prime candidate to headline such a on which Bragg and Hank Wangford
benefit. His showk usually consist do their "famous Lugan Brothers
of as much preaching as music. impersonation," Bragg says, "I
But don't worry, listening to Bragg really got a soft spot for Amercan
is nothing like going to a Poli Sci country music. You shouldn't be
lecture- not only do you get his ashamed of showing that type of
,view of the world, but also thing."
everything you want to know about On twelve inch singles which
haircuts at Valu Village and plastic Bragg once railed out against, but is
dinosaurs at K-Mart. nowzreleasing, he says, "You
Regadingthebeneitwhic is realize after a while that twelve inch
only taking place in Ann Arbor, singles are no more revolutionary
Bra, inga phone interview than anything else. You should
Bag,Tobepfechonetit never say never to nothin'- it
says, "To be perfectly honest with always comes back to get you in
you, I don't think anybody else isathe en"
as together as the people in Ann the end.
Arbor to organize something like As for McDonalds, he orders "A
this. It doesn't occur to young taxi!" A taxi? "To get me the fuck
people [in America] to organize this out of there."
sort of thing. They wait for other Also appearing at the benefit
people to organize it for 'em, and will be Boston's high energy
for some reason the people in Ann feulin' bopheads Scruffy The Cat,
Arbor took it upon themselves to and Ann Arbor's own Map of the
organize this. I'm always bein' World.
Gale Research Company, a maior
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Put the books away!
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University of Michigan Gilbert & Sullivan Society
The Yeomen of the Guard
Lydia Mendelssohn Theatre
December 3-6 8:00pm, December 6-7 2:00pm
SPECIAL STUDENT RUSH
Wednesday Only - $2.00 Off any seat
Call Mendelssohn Box Office 763-1085
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Z , J . . ..
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THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
SCHOOL OF EDUCATION
invites prospective graduate students to an information meeting
about graduate programs in
Curriculum, Teaching and Psychological Studies,
in Educational Foundations, Policy, and
Administration, in Higher and Adult Continuing
Education, and in Speech and Language Pathology.
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Hello, it's Ramona, the Corner Market
Coffee Lady. Today I woukd like to
introduce you to my friend, Jerome.
Yes, it's true, he is my child, from
tiger stripes to his tourmaline eyes--
right down to his size seven shoes.
You may be asking yourself, "What
does Ramona's child have to do with
Corner Market Coffee?"
Jerome, light of my life that he is,
acts as official coffee sniffer. Those
special aromatic blends... Let's just
say he purrs like a motorboat.
He hasn't walked away from one yet..
And niether will you. That, my friend,
is Ramona's secret.
Like I always say--If you haven't been
to the Corner Market lately, Honey,
you haven't been to Market!
Weekdays 7:30am-12 Midnight
Weekends 12:00 pm-7pm