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Foolish
Why are you looking up here?
All the news is underneath. Hap-
py April Fools' Day from the
Daily.

Vol. CXIX Copycat 1984. The Miffed-Again Daily April 1, 1984 No Common Cents One Page Too Many
Student executed on Diag
Code 'a success,' regents say
By BEN X. PELLED because she passed out from the-heat in
and IMA BUMMIN the tunnel.
The first University student punished Since the controversial vote, many
'" h = under the code for non-academic con- students have been brought to the
duct was executed yesterday at 2:15 University court for crimes ranging
pm. in the diag. from writing on the bathroom walls in
Only days after the University's Angell Hall to calling a computer
Board of Regents abolished their operator at CRISP a "bitch."
bylaws and passed the contested More than 50 students have been
student code, LSA junior Mark Mywor- charged under section 10.2 which
ds was hung for stealing toilet paper states that "Any student found listening
from the Graduate Library. to a Walkman during class shall give
"I CAN'T believe he's dead," said their first-born child to University of-
Mywords' roommate, who asked not to ficials."
be identified because he also frequently THE SO-CALLED "Angel of Death"
hoards University library toilet paper. penalty has drawn fire from local
Mywords' mother and father atten- religious leaders who say University of-
ded the execution along with 100 black- ficials are "copy cats" because God
robed NO CODE members who chanted thought of the code first." Nixon
robed N C m b "We told you so" throughout the "We have a non-academic code that's
ceremony. been around long before any of these .. . where am I?
Regent Deane Baker presided over administrators were even in diapers,"
the execution in his first public appear- said Rev. Getta Uffmabak. his hand after taking a swig of milk,
ance since the Regents passed the code Despite the community-wide University Vice President for Slime
7-0 Thursday in a clandestine meeting criticism administrators say they hope Management added that "if another
s ~held in the University's steam tunnels. Mywords' execution will deter other imp violates this code we'll toss him
AP Po .. students from violating the code. over the CCRB bridge."
PSN member Lee Marx sets himself ablaze to protest the regents' passage of the code while University security officers REGENT' Sarah Power abstained Wiping his mustache with the back ofSeDIM BE DPg0
rush to fuel the inferno. S....e.. ..D.ISMEMBERED.. .. .. .. .. . .. .. .. .. .. . .. .e..,0.
. . ..*. .. . . . : :.* H ..** ....**~** .. . ....* (n.**. a : .*, f ...u.> . ,,..* v:.~. .... .. .....* r., ,, .o~ .c '..* u , e*'* . r' :. v . /< -e z. r. .
W . . .. .,..o,..... . .... ,. ......... ... .. .. .. .. .....,.......... .. .... .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
J... . . . . . . . . ....... ..!... ...2... .. ., ,........... R.. ... . .....n.:....... . .......n.+.. .J'. . ... .... .........

'U' officials
gtpiece. of
the action;
stage East
Quad sit-in
Football

BY AL TEREGO
With calls of "the administration will rise
again" and "Hey, Hey, my, my, student input
has to die," University administrators turned
the tables on student protestors with a sit-in at
East Quad yesterday.
Spokesman for the group University
President Harold Shapiro said he chose East
Quad for the protest because of its ample sup-
ply of radical students and its proximity to the
Fleming building.
"YEA, THEY GOT 'em all over there (at
East Quad) You know the kind of students that
want a say in how the University is run. Also,
some of our fellow protestors were upset with
the idea of having to walk far from their of-
fices," said Shapiro.
Vice president for academic affairs Billy
Frye, another protestor, said that actions such

as yesterday's are important to "help students
to understand the administrator's point of
view."
"All we're trying to do is abolish non-
conformism from this campus forever, and if
that is what it takes to do so, we are prepared to
sit in at East Quad forever," Frye said.
THE PROTESTORS were not without sup-
port in the radical building during their demon-
stration. A faculty group in the engineering
school, Researchers After Defense In-
vestigation and Totalitarian Education
(RADIATE) sang hymns and Glen Miller tunes
to brighten the weary protestors' spirits.
The editors of the Michigan Review also
showed support by staging a mock "Sacrifice
of All Our Rights as Students" theater produc-
tion for Shapiro and company.
Protestor Al Sussman, vice president for
research, said that he was surprised by the

support they received from fellow ad-
ministrators "as well as faculty and even
students."
"IT BROUGHT TEARS to my eyes when I
saw the pin-stripe clad college republicans
crying out for the implementation of a student
code," said the misty Sussman.
Thomas Buckley III, an LSA sophomore who
couldn't get into Harvard, called for even
stronger measures against radicalism, in-
cluding the condemnation of the East Quad
building.
"Even if they just get rid of that damned
Residential College that would be a start," he
said. Buckley advocated total removal of
"trivial education" such as the schools of Art
and Education and the redistribution into "real
schools" such as business and engineering.
THE GROUP of about 500 right-wingers was

dispersed by Ann Arbor police late in the after-
noon with tear gas and billy clubs. "Hey, we
had to do something, they were trespassing and
that is against the law," said police chief and
Diag comedian Stoney Burke.
Administration officials were not surprised
by the police action which Shapiro called
"commendable" but some other lower ad-
ministrators admitted they felt like common
criminals.
"When I was running back to the safety of the
Fleming building fortress, I felt like a fugitive.
I hope Hal doesn't make us do it again," said
assistant .to the vice president for research
Howard Finkbeiner.
Surprisingly enough, Director of University
Security Walt Stevens had no comment on the
protest. "We're not entirely sure it even hap-
pened yet," he said.
See CRETION, Page 69

punted


Bo's boys red shirted

Business as usual:
officials do nothing

.

By UFER GONE
A legendary era came to an end
yesterday when Michigan Athletic
Director Don Canham announced that
Michigan was dropping its football
program.
Canham's announcement came
during a press conference yesterday.
With tears in his eyes he managed to
force out his statement in a sad,
crackling voice. "This hurts me more
than anyone else. I feel like I've just
lost part of my soul," he said in
reference to the fact - that he had
already paid for his 1984 season tickets,
hence forfeiting $91.
SOMEWHAT LESS devestated by the
decision was Michigan's former head
coach Glenn "Bo" Schembechler. "I'm
really not surprised," he said. " The
only reason the fans came out on Satur-
Idays was to get drunk and do that
stupid cheer (the wave). "Hell they can
do that in Charley's; it's round."
Schembechler was quick to note that
there are alternatives to football.
"There are other things besides football
you know. Battling Tops - now that
game is one of my favorites. I love to
pull that rip cord and watch those little
buggers go out there and smash into
each other. Not that's excitement.
There's no huddles in Battling Tops."
Rumor has it that the decision to drop
the football program was made
because of pressure from the
Progressive Student Network. The PSN
accused Schembechler of developing

game plans that called for an excessive
number of bombs. The campus group
recently attempted to take over the
football building during a Michigan
practice session, but was defeated in
much the same manner as the Stanford
band was in their famed attempt at a
gridiron coup-d'etat.
CANHAM'S announcement had a
varied effect on the campus population.
The reaction at many sororities was
one of gloom. Many of the members
were disappointed at the prospect of
having to find another event at which
they could show off their $40 Ray-Ban
sunglasses.
The announcement had a particularly,
beneficial effect on the rugby team. Fif-
ty large new players showed up for
practice yesterday. The team also
moved up 23 notches on the AP top
twenty rugby poll. The chess team did
not report any new members.
The dilemma remains as to what to do
with Michigan Stadium. Many
proposals have been made. The most in-
teresting is a plan which would turn the
old football stadium into a multi-level
discotheque. A decision on the proposal
is expected later this month.
What will be the net effect of the
removal of football from the varsity
sports slate? It won't bother Bo any.
He'll be tossing pizza dough in his
Domino's restaurant. But 105,000 other
people will have to find something else
to do on Saturday afternoons.
See CREATURES, Page 12

By LUKE KING FORSUMPIN
Absolutely nothing happened yester-
day at the University.
Several key administrators contacted
by the Daily yesterday proudly an-
nounced that they didn't do a thing all
day.
CALLING their behavior the newest
"thing," the officials said they would
urge every University department to do
the same as part of a long-term, seven-
phase plan to achieve nothing ofh cam-
pus.
Stretching out on the diag and
listening to Walkmans, the University's
executive officers spent all day just
goofing around.
Grooving and rocking on the grassy
area in front of Mason Hall yesterday
morning, Vice President for Academic
Affairs and Provost Billy. Frye told
Daily reporters he was changing his
title to "Frolicking Frye."
"I DUNNO' why I wanna' change my
name. I guess I just got a little disgrun-
tled with the length of my name. I am
absolutely certain, for a fact, that the
name 'Frolicking Frye' suits me much
better," said Frye.
"Because, very frankly, I plan to do
absolutely nothing," he said while
University President Harold Shapiro
snuck up behind Frye and blew a party
favor horn in the provost's ear.

"This is a gas," said Shapiro giggling
uncontrollably. "I just haven't had this
much fun since me and Bernard made
Peking duck while Mum and Dad were
visiting Uncle Morry in New York.
ONE ADMINISTRATOR compared
the so-called nothing plan to the now
historic five-year plan. "I would say the
nothing plan is simply more straight-
forward and in a sense more average,
common, and hitting upon a true level
of normalcy," said Henry Johnson, vice
president for student services.
"By doing nothing for the University,
we are doing the best thing we can,"
added Johnson before picking up his
skateboard and zooming toward State
Street.
The only sedentary administrator
doing nothing yesterday was Vice
President for Research Alfred
Sussman. Although Shapiro, Frye, and
Johnson urged Sussman several times
to "come out and play," he refused.
"I like doing nothing sitting down,
because that is the way nothing should
be done,'' said Sussman. "Nothing run-
ning around defeats the purpose for
which nothing was created."
"Nothing is a pure science of its own
right."
The remaining executive officers had
nothing to say.
See SONSGREETINGS, Page 25

The Miffed-Again Daily Staff Photo by BRIAN BOVINE MASCK,
Billy "Frolicking" Frye's pet cow Bessie grazes on the diag yesterday while
Frye and his pal Hal Shapiro skateboard across the "M."

TODAY-
Picture this
ATTENTION ALL YOU CROSSWORD PUZZLE
and word search fans. The Michigan Daily has a
contest for you. If you can find the one picture
on this page that does not belong, you could be-
come the Daily's editor-in-chief. The rules are simple:


Validine cards, which have the magnetic strip on the back
to allow dorm dwellers to feast on such delicacies as "Old
Mission Quiche" and "Yankee Pot Roast," will be used for
more than just meals. According to assistant housing direc-
tor David Foulkes, all dorms will be equipped with Validine
showers and toilets by next year. Foulkes says the Univer-
sity is implementing the plan to help cut energy costs.
"Gone are the days of the 25 minute shower, chuckled
Foulkes. "We're going to set the showers for a limit of five
minutes - hot or cold, that's all they'll get." He says the
showers will be used in conjunction with the toilets to cut

say the group will unite the coolest dogs in Ann Arbor. A
large, lean Afghan hound who simply calls himself "Dog,"
says there are too many conservative pups in town who
have sold out on their beliefs to become housepets. "Living
in some nice house and eating artificial food from a bag is
like the ultimate doggie put down," said the Afghan while
flipping a single strand of blond hair out of his eyes. "You
gotta' be free, you know? You know, like do what you feel
because after all a dog's life is short." But members of the
Spartacus Schnauzer League, (SSL), a right-wing group of
fnahsmndk ( ermn b nbd-zan.A D,..Aa h. t 1,th e

"Refrigerators: Does the Light Really Go Off When the
Door is Closed?"
Also on this date in history:
" 1931 - Gerald Ford signed a letter of intent to play-foot-
ball for Michigan, but rendered the document worthless af-
ter he spilled a bottle of ink on it.
. 1947 - University security officials reported that thefts
of slide rules had risen drastically. They attributed the in-
crease to the "smaller but better" models that students
were buying.


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