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OPINION

Page 4

Tuesday, Janudry 24, 1984

The Michigan Daily

The

By Mike Buhler
There is a very serious environmen-
tal problem that we should all be more
aware of: acid snow. No, not acid rain;
that is an entirely different problem in-
volving Dead Fish. Acid snow concerns
the inanimate,-particularly cars.
Historically, acid rain has garnered
much more attention and international
notoriety over the years, and several
commissions have studied the dilem-
ma. Their findings: we have acid rain.
Their conclusions: form more com-
missions.
All of the Great Lakes states, and
those of the Northeast, in conjunction
with our patient and congenial neighbor
to the north, Canada, have studied the
sources of this detrimental pollution,
and in some instances have taken
measures to combat it. But much more
work needs to be done, (and I ought to
inject now), to reduce the contaminan-
ts from our air, and the acid from our
lakes.
WITH ALL this attention on acid rain,
a far more serious problem has gone
almost entirely unchecked: acid snow.
Think carefully - when does your car
rust?
Every, May, once school is over,
grades are forgotten, and the ice has
melted away, I make an annual
assesment of my car. In order to do this
effectively, I clean out about $7-10 in
deposit bottles and cans, dig out
numerous candy wrappers, and
ocassionally find a well-rotted Mc-
Donald's shake ready to be tossed. I
then flood the inside of the car, and
while that mess soaks, I attack four

conspiracy
months of solid dirt. And I mean
"solid" in a very real sense, for while I
take off the dirt, I also liberate large
chunks of my fenders and trunk lid.
I repeat this process at the end of the
summer as well.
The difference between these
seasonal fumigations is amazing! In
May, the car falls free of the dirt; in
September the dirt falls free of the
remaining car. Having repeated this.
rite several times, I began to detect a
pattern: the car rusts during the win-
ter!

behind acid

sn

MAYBE YOU also reach the same
conclusion. But I challenge you to find
the source; Aha, see? it has to be the
snow.
Acid rain filters through our streams
and lakes, and eventually collects,
knocking off a few carp (big deal) and
some choice trout (that hurts).
However, acid rain has little effect on .
the average car. When was it that you
heard the Department of Natural
Resources rant about the tragic toll
acid rain is taking on their trucks?
They can only cite beautiful bastions of
bountiful blue water becoming rural
graves for the fish. You see, acid rain is
a summertime and (sub)-urban
problem.
Acid snow is a city problem, and Anp
Arbor has a major catastrophe at hand.
So I thought, innocently enough, that I'd
check around and see what I could find
out. I called City Hall, went to the salt
storage bins, talked to the public works
people, and was, effectively, strong-
armed into silence. Until an informant
stepped forward and gave me a earful.
I can't divulge the name, and even to
attempt at a nickname could seriously

ow,
spread it all over the roads whenevr
the temperature falls below 30 degrees.
Perhaps you've seen Them do:t.
Imagine the kickbacks and all of tde
overtime. Also the unploughed Street;~
On the outskirts, the rural parts of tfe
frostbelt, snow is handled by ploughi*
the roads. For traction, harmles,
phosphate-free, biodegradable san4Is
spread. Big cities, no thanks' to
Gluchschtultz, find that practie
abominable, and prefer to dump salt.
The salt melts a very small fraction of
the snow, and turns it to acidy slus).
Cars then bathe in this vile mixture. A
the mixture clings to the cars, notP t
mention shoes, exposed flesh, and hair
Malamutes, a horrendous chemic
reaction takes place which disable: h
material' in contact and reduces -it
defenseless as it was, into waste
Doesn't that make what's left of your
skin crawl?
Okay, it's out in the open now, an
we, as responsible, or semi-respons'il
adults, must do something about it. And
I don't mean just some idle chatter. W
need action. We need snowploughs. W
need sand. SNOWSHOVEL must b
decimated and obliterated. Mort
Gluckschtultz should be shot. And th
Sleeping Bear Dunes should be put t
use!
I appeal to you all: let's tackle thi
problem before my car rots int
oblivion. Long live the Red Racer (m
car). NO MORE ACID SNOW! N
MORE SALT! ITOP NOW OUt
VJ1ONGFUL .ALTING; JELP OU
VEHICLES ESTABIS
LIBERATION!

Daily Photo by SCOTT ZOLTON
Don't blame all of that wintertime damage to your car on Mother Nature. The real culprit is Morty Gluckschtultz who is
singly responsible for the catastrophic, but little-recognized, acid snow problem.

jeopardize this person's health, but I
can tell you this: I'm on the verge of a
major breakthrough and discovery that
is going to catapult Ann Arbor to the
forefront of the world's attention.
Richard Nixon, step aside, because
here comes SNOWSHOVEL.

CATCHY, EH?
Watergate was nothing when com-
pared to this. Acid Snow is out there'
They know about it; They are trying to
hide it; and I am out to expose Them.
These are the particulars:


Edited and managed by students at The University of Michigan

SinclairpN Ilm ON

Vol. XCIV-No. 94

420 Maynard St.
Ann Arbor, MI 48109

Editorials represent a majority opinion of the Daily's Editorial Board
Let's not get physical'

THAT POOR PHYSICAL education
department - apparently, the
School of Education-has been bullying
it around and it now has no place to go.
But the department is no underdog sin-
ce there's always big brother Don
Canham to protect it if the going gets
rough. After all, the School of
Education is no bully - big, strong
bodies don't grow on small budgets as
any football coach knows.
The department doesn't have many
friends on the block and it's not hard to
understand why. Physical education,
also known as the Institute of Football
and Basketball players, has the lowest
admission standards on campus,
requiring only a 2.0 high school grade
point average. And not suprisingly the
grade point-averages of those already
in the department are well below
average. Over half of the freshman
football roster enrolls in this program
annually and they are allowed to pur-
sue .the fine arts of coaching and
"leisure studies." The quality
educational opportunities offered by
this University are blemished by this
island of mediocrity.
The powers that be, however, have
determined that it shall stay and so
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alternatives to the education school
are being sought out. Of all the alter-
natives - among them incorporating
the department into the School of
Public Health - only allowing the
department to achieve independent
status would allow for an honest inter-
pretation of its quality. Without being
able to hide behind a parent school, the
mediocrity would be made over-
whelmingly evident.
But don't stop there. Why not give
Canham the program and let him train
his own coaches? The athletic depar-
tment is where they belong anyway.
The athletic department currently con-
tributes nothing to the funds of any
academic budget so this would be a
perfect opportunity for the guys at
Hoover and South State to pitch in.

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Yet, the real losers are the athletes
within physical education. Low stan-
dards may provide an easy out for the
unmotivated, but the fact remains that
they are not being conscientiously
educated. Let's not lie about it, the
athletic program is the only winner if
this department is allowed to exist.
They might as well accept the respon-
siblity for perpetuating the charade.
E l i
As

By Dick West


A-.

WASHINGTON (UPI) - One of
the most cherished items in my
collection of political
memorabilia is an album of
presidential campaign songs
titled "Sing Along With Millard
Fillmore."
It includes such rousing lyrics
as "Hurrah, Hurrah, the Coun-
try's risin' - Henry Clay and
Frelinghuysen." Note the
Brilliant rhyme scheme:
"Risin"' and "Frelinghuysen." If
the first two words had been.
pronounced "hooray" to rhyme
with "Clay," it might even have
put the ticket across. Who
knows?
At any rate, it is safe to say
they don't write songs like that
anymore. The album cover alone
is enough to quicken the blood of
all true Fillmore groupies.
YOU MIGHT think from the
way our 13th chief executive's
184th birthday anniversary was
celebrated this month that
Fillmore's greatest accomplish-
ment was installing a bathtub in
the White House.

abbreviated term that Jinny
Lind, the "Swedish Nightingale,"
gave her first American perfor-
mance, that the federal assay of-
fice building was authorized and
that Commodore Perry under-
took the voyage that opened the
ports of Japan to commerce.
Just ask yourself this: Had it
not been for Perry's mission,
what would America's Toyota
owners be driving today?
Volvos, most likely. Or some
other Swedish import.
Nevertheless, I am convinced
that any fair-minded rating of the
events of that period would rank
BLOOM COUNTY

Amelia Bloomer's public ap-
pearance in long pantaloons as
No.1.
IT WAS IN 1951 that bloomers
became famous, and I personally
would put that development
ahead of a 2-penny reduction in
postal rates - from a nickel to 3
cents - that occurred during the
same time frame (1850-53).
The postal cut was only a tem-
porary reversal in the long on-
ward and upward march of
stamp prices. But the woman
who gave her name to the
"Bloomer Girls" was
establishing a pattern that still

exists today.
It is true Fillmore was no
directly involved in 'th
blossoming of bloomers. He him
self customarily wore a dar
frock coat over a high-collare
shirt with a black silk neckclot
tied in a bow.
But pantaloons definitely go
the point across. And since th
blow for temperance and wom
suffrage was struck durin
Fillmore's term of office, h
should get the credit.
West is a correspondent fo
United Press International.
by Berke Breathed

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{OOK, DEAR..
A COUPLE OF
YOUR NATIVE SNORT' -
ANTARCTCAN5..

..JI(JHAFITANTS OF TNlE PUREST,
WKUWES, MOST (INSPOW1E1?
REAL E5TATE IN THE ENTIRE
WOR.P... WHI'CH, OF COURSE,
MAKES THEM QUISE
5KITTISH.


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