Ninety- Three years
of
Editorial Free-for-all
Cl 4 P
A~J4arn
tti
Weather or not
A high over the engineering
college will clash with a low over
the Art School to bring thunder-
storms to North Campus, while
Central Campus will be cloudy
due to the low pressure systems
covering most of its programs.
Vol. XOXOXOX Copywrong 1983, The Myth Again Daily A Squared, Meeeeechigan - Friday, April 1, 1983 Non Cents Too Many Pages
*Cube held
hostage as
students
protest
*growth
By R.E. DIRECTION
More than 300 engineering students,
outraged by the University's refusal to
review their budget for possible cuts,
stormed Regents Plaza today and
began systematically dismantling the
Cube.
"We're tired of being forced to grow
and expand without having any say in
the process," said Nookum Gloworm, a
senior in nuclear engineering. "We
ought to have the right to be smaller
and better just like everyone else."
Gloworm said the Cube would be held
hostage until the University agrees not
to move the school into its new facilities
on North Campus.
"If they don't agree, we'll let the
Vulcans melt (the Cube) down as part
of their next initiation," Gloworm said.
The students are demanding that 33
percent of their budget be given to the
School of Natural Resources and that
another 25 percent be re-distributed to
the School of Art.
"We just don't like being the bad guys
anymore, is all," said Melvin Einstein,
a sophomore in computer engineering.
Art and natural resources students
contacted by the Daily last night said
they were offended by the engineering
students' suggestions.
"We're not charity cases. We may be
skrinking, but we've got our pride to
think about," said Pastel Pallete, a
junior in the School of Art.
"If they go throwing all that money at
us, what will we haveleft to protest?"
said Woody Cutter, a sixth-year senior
in the School of Natural Resources.
SChembeehler,
Canham plot
coup at 'U'
Two points AP Photo
This little bird was the only moving object to make it through the Wolverine basketball hoop this season. Coach Bill
Frieder, upon removing the creature from the net commented, "A bird in the hand is worth two in the... ."
Art students hit bullseye
By ART C. FAHRTZE
Just when you thought you'd seen
every type of protest imaginable,
somebody comes up with something
fresh and original. This time it's those
zany art students who've put their
creativity to work.
To protest the 25 percent budget cut
that was slated for the art school, twen-
ty-five percent of those enrolled in the
school jumped off the Burton Bell
Tower yesterday onto a target on which
Vice President and Provost Billy
Frye's face was painted.
Witness Sheldon Beemish described
the event as "one of the most dramatic
protests I've ever seen - not to mention
the messiest."
"I'm glad I don't have to clean that
up...I think I'm gonna be sick,"
Beemish said as he proceeded to make
his own contribution to the protest.
The protest was the brainchild of
senior art student, Watts Reality.
"If this doesn't get their attention, I
don't know what will," Reality said.
"We're prepared to take even more
drastic measures to fight the cuts -
that could mean a boycott of every
home football game next year."
Billy Frye expressed sadness and
anger over the dramatic gesture of
solidarity.
"I'm disgusted...what a waste of
lives," Frye said as tears streamed
from his eyes.
"Why my picture? Everybody knows
it's all Hal's fault. If they were going to
jump on anybody's picture, it should
have been Shapiro's! And besides, it
was a crummy likeness of me," Frye
sobbed.
The protest was followed by a wildcat
strike by members of the University's
custodial staff.
By HUNTER S. THOMPSON
University officials uncovered the
sinister plot yesterday by Athletic
Tyrant Don Canham to overthrow
President Harold Shapiro.
Canham, assisted by his henchman,
Generalissimo Bo Schembechler, had
devised an evil scheme that would have
replaced the entire board of Regents
with ex-Michigan athletes. The two
malefactors were then going to black-
mail Shapiro into resigning and have
the new board vote in Canham as
University chieftain.
Against the wishes of their attorneys,
the two held a press conference to
discuss their intentions.
"Shapiro was spending too much
money on things like libraries and
military research. We felt that the
athletic department was not getting
enough power on this campus,"
groused the caged Canham.
Schembechler outlined how he was
going to get rid of all the current regen-
ts.
"We were going to take the money
from the intramural and women's spor-
ts budgets and bribe those bastards to
leave. Every man has his price, and I
was going to find out their's," Schem-
bechler snorted. "Everyone knows that
football is the only sport on campus that
matters. Ask some of those people down
South about Michigan, and they won't
tel you about a new hospital or some
Nobel Prize winner, they'll talk about
the Rose Bowl, Anthony Carter, and
me."
Canham added that he had planned
some changes for the campus once he
and his accomplice took over the reins
of control.
"All the money for military research
would go to the School of Physical
Education. The School of Art would be
completely done away with, and its
facilities would be converted to a new
recreation center for P.E. majors only.
We were also going to rid ourselves of
that ridiculous East Quad and the
Residential College and make the
building into an athletic dormitory,"
Canham sighed.
Perhaps the most diabolical of all the
Canham reforms was to involve the
athletic department. According to his
plan, the department, already self-
supporting, was going to become "The
Michigan Athletic Club".
"Then the fun would really begin,"
Schembechler hissed, "The ticket
prices would escalate to levels never
before seen. We'd get rid of those
students who pay half-price and put
loyal alumni in there. Then we'd cut the
entire women's athletic department.
They don't bring in any money at all, so
they shouldn't even be allowed to
exist."
Canham was equally abrasive. "If the
basketball team doesn't sell out this
year, they're finished as well. Bill
Frieder is a great guy, but if he doesn't
take in his share, he's history," he said.
Shapiro was entirely flabbergasted
by the reported coup d'etat,
"I'm entirely flabbergasted by this
reported coup d'etat," he said.
Canham'and Schembechler have no
fears about their futures.
I've been approached to coach
several USFL teams, and the Soviets
are very interested in making Don their
Commisar of physical education. So,
don't worry about us," Schembechler
said.
It is unlikely that the University
community will bother.
Fiancial aid
recipients must
eat properly
i
FTT asks SNR to
ax budget 90 percent
By MANNY TYPOS
Students who don't get their recom-
mended supply of vitamins and iron
will not be able to receive financial aid
next year, offcials at the White House
said yesterday:
The announcement came after
President Reagan finished eating a
bowl of Wheaties and four ounces of
orange juice yesterday morning.
Reagan, who last week admitted he ate
the same thing for breakfast every day,
said students who won't commit them-
selves to a nutritional regimen are not
deserving of federal funds.
"I won't budge on this one," Reagan
said with milk dripping down his chin.
"A student who won't take the time to
have a well-balanced breakfast is not
likely to pay back his loans," he said.
University officials were outraged at
the announcement and President
Shapiro, and avid M&M's fan, said the
new proposal would discriminate.
against students who liked junk food.
"The next thing you know the
President will want to know what
student's favorite color is before he or
she can receive federal aid," Shapiro
said.
But Reagan stood firmly behind the
new regulations adding that "soup is
good food."
Reagan, who used to be one of the
Campbell's soup boys in his acting
days, said students have been taking
advantage of federal grant and loan
programs and this is due to an im-
proper diet.
Reagan's wife, Nancy, denied
charges that the President imposed
these stiffer nutritional regulations
because he was suffering from jellbean-
withdrawal symptoms.
Mrs. Reagan, who reportedly snacks
on bananas late at night while the
President sleeps, has maintained a
rigorous health program since she was
six years old.
Reagan's proposal would also require
students from families with more than
one housepet to submit proof that their
pets are housebroken to be eligible for
federal loans.
"I'm tired of students with
disobedient pets qualifying for loans
and then using the money to put their
pets in kennels. The money should go to
students with greatest financial need -
if they eat breakfast." Reagan said.
Harvey "Wallbanger" Grotrian, the
University's financial aid director, said
the President has gone too far with the
new regulations.
"There will be so much additional
paperwork checking what each student
eats for breakfast, it will be an ad-
ministrative boondoggle," Grotrian
said.
"Besides, I love cupcakes," he ad-
ded.
Students who buy junkfood on cam-
pus will have to show certification that
they are not receiving any financial aid.
If students are caught buying non-
nutritional snacks, their financial aid
could be revoked or completely cut in
some cases depending on the sugar con-
tent of the item.
r
Daily Photo by DEBORAH LEWIS
Vice President for Academic Affairs, Provost, Director of Budgetary
Review and all around honcho Billy Frye nervously chews his tassle while waiting
for his name to be called (and finished) at commencement ceremonies
yesterday.
The end of an era:
Frye finally graduates
By BUD JETT
A new report from the Faculty Tran-
sition Team (FTT) reviewing proposed
cuts in the School of Natural Resources
(SNR) will ask for a 90 percent cut in
SNR's budget, the Daily learned
yesterday.
The report, entitled "An End to the
SNR Problem," calls for complete
elimination of all line items in SNR's
1983-84 budget with the exception of In-
dependent Studies (IS) and the Office of
the Dean (OD).
To appease the student leaders who
have led SNR students to the Diag,
Regents meetings, and the President's
House (PH) in protest of much smaller
cuts, the report offers a student buy-out
plan which is modeled on the plan used
to keep tenured professors in ter-
minated programs happy.
Each student will receive a $10,000
payment from the school's Budget
Reduction Involving Buy-Out (BRIB)
Program in exchange for signing a
Student Contract Regarding Early
Withdrawal (SCREW). The contract
will prevent the students from
protesting the change or CRISPing for
SNR classes in the future.
"I think it's great," said SNR student
leader Babe Blueox. "For $10,000, I'd
support cutting down evgry tree on
campus."
The FTT is reviewing a proposed 33
percent cut suggested in the report of
the Budget Priorities Committee
(BPC) which was based on the work of
the School of Natural Resources Sub-
committee (NRSC) issued last Decem-
ber (DEC).
NRSC asked a 33 percent cut in the
school's budget, and the BPC con-
curred, sending the request on the Of-
fice of the Vice President and Provost,
(VP&P) for consideration by the
Executive Officers (GODS).
That group asked the FTT to review
the review report with the aid of a
Student Liason Committee (SLC) and
an Alumni Advisory Board (AAB). The
report was not expected until mid-
summer, but the FTT, SLC, and AAB
came to their conclusions immediately
afte receiving their instructions.
"It was really easy," said one com-
mittee member who refused to be iden-
tified. We didn't even have to read the
reports. (BPC chairwoman) Mary Ann
Swain came down and briefed us on the
entire process. I know she's been known
to pull some dirty tricks out of her hat in
the past, but she was so sincere about
this one that the decision was made as
soon as we got to the Bahamas to begin
deliberations."
He said the committee was not plan-
ning to release the report until May 1
"because we didn't want to bother the
students with it while they're here
trying to study."
From UP and LP
Vowing to "redirect this institution from
its historic position among the few
remaining bureaucratic bastions of
academia toward a leading par-
ticipatory role in the computer-assisted
information revolution going on in our
society today, University Vice
President Billy Frye graduated yester-
day from Ypsilanti's Control Data In-
stitute with honors.
He said the course, paid for by
University funds, "opened a newper-
spective for myself and others in
authoritative positionsrthroughout the
higher education industry and will be of
considerable assistance in my exec-
ution of the offices of Vice President for
Academic Affairs, Provost, Director
of Budgetary Review, Chief
Computerization Officer and
See GOD, Page 1
TODAY
What exit?
ICKING UP ON the Great Lakes State's semi-
successful "Say Yes to Michigan" campaign, the
New Jersey state legislature has. adopted a "Say
No to New Jersey" slogan to promote its
burgeoning tourist industry. "Sure it sounds kind of
strange to be using a negative image for a promotion cam-
paign," said one legislator, "but nothing else has worked,
so we thought we'd give it a try." With the "Say No" cam-
paign, the legislature is hoping to dissuade companies from
continuing to use the state as the nation's trash bin and
toxic mastp enllpenr. The namnaon an is intpndi-d to
Novembers meeting of the men and women in white who
wield the real power at the University? Well, he's back. And
he'll be making his encore performance at the April
meeting of those mighty mites of Michigan. Lobo Tomy an-
nounced at a press conference held yesterday from his pad-
ded cellhigh above downtown Ypsilanti that he has received
so many cards and letters from well wishers commending
him on his dazzling star-studded appearance last year, that
he has decided to perform again. Tomy said the upcoming
performance would be reminiscent of those done by his
late mentor Gypsy Rose Lee, including glittering pasties
and heart-shaped G-string. Tomy, set to be released from
Hijinks House in Ypsilanti next week, said he has been
nracticin0 fnr the feat for novr two months nnui Thnse
academic requirements imposedby the tyrants at the
NCAA, we only have three athletes who will be eligible to
compete next year," said Canham. Applications are
available in the athletic office for all varsity teams, and ap-
plicants are asked not to fill out the forms in crayon-a big
problem in past years. And here's what the coaches are
looking for: Schembechler-"I wany big, strong, fast
people who worship me and like getting yelled at a lot."
Frieder-"I want big, tall, fast people with great leaping
ability and real academic records." Rumors have it that
both MSU and OSU will have to drop their athletic
programs entirely because none of their students meet the
new academic eligibility requirements.Q
chemistry labs were an insult to-his intelligence, invented
bubble gum to annoy his teaching assistant. The TA spent
the rest of the term. trying to get the gum off his desk.
" 1924 - The Rock was covered with its first coat of paint
by the Tappa Tappa Kegga fraternity the night before the
Greek Olympics. The fraternity hoped that coating the
monument with finger paint would bring them good luck.
* 1951- The Daily offended no one.
* 1964 - UAC sponsored the first annual tobacco spitting
contest on the Diag. For some reason, it was a tradition that
just never caught on. p
On the inside.
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