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Silly
S111 S
things
A S ANY YEAR is prone to have,
1982 had its fair share of silliness.
Of course, silliness can't apply to just
one branch of the great tree of life, so
the best of the absurd in 1982 covered a
wide range of areas.
For example, there was the introduc-
tion of Diet Coke. All the hoopla over
this premeditated marketing strategy I
fail to understand . .. After all, Diet
Coke is just Tab masquerading in a can
that reverses the classic Coke "white
on red" motif. The TV ads were
especially nauseous, too, with faded
celebrities like Carol Channing and Flip
Wilson waving their arms to adoring
fans and sipping D.C. at the gala
premiere ball.
Next came the inclusion of video and
stereo ads at local movie theaters. Used
to be that one went to the movies to
escape commercials, but now you can
get 'em in the comfort of your seat
while you munch on popcorn and fume.
My favorite: the ad with wimp-rockers
Prism looking cross-eyed and galavan-
ting inside a tape deck. Whoopee.
The enormous success and critical
drooling over E.T. stands as a prime bit
of wonderment for 1982. It's a great
movie, no doubt, but does Steve
Spielberg deserve a medal from the
U.N. for it? I'd say Roger Corman
should get one before him. At least you
wouldn't catch him merchandising the
hell out of Galaxy of Terror. (But if he
could...)
Christine DeLorean's diary, which
was published exclusively by People


... . .. . .. . .. . .. . . ... . . .. .. . .. . .. . . . ..... . ....:...:.....

E.T.: Merchandising madness
magazine, comes next. I mean, whose
business- is it knowing how she , felt
during "the crisis" save herself?
Another dose of blatant marketing.
While we're at it, let's give People
magazine a general spot of honor, too.
On the human front, this was a year
littered with purposeful folks. Pia
Zadora proved she couldn't act her way
out of a paper sack in "Butterfly," and
wowed 'em at Cannes nonetheless.
What a gal. Richard Simmons con-
tinued with his obnoxious bent and
released an album of disco-tinged
aerobic dance music, along with Jane
Fonda, who did the same but coupled it
with a book. too. What a bargain!

James Watt wormed his way into
everybody's hearts with his buzzsaw
approach to environmental issues, and
while in the same general neck of the
woods, Ronnie Reagan kept the
American people happy with his wit
and charm.
One of the "highlights" of this past
year was the utterly calculated football
strike. If it had gone on another week,
we might not have seen a season.
However, somebody up there inter-
vened just in the nick of time and we,
the lucky public, were (not) disappoin-
ted. Silly, silly.
A raise in tuition here at the Univer-
sity topped the list. With a conservative

government currently at the helm and
education more and more difficult to
come by these days, what we struggling
students all need is a boost in our
billing. It teaches us responsibility, and
sets our sights on idealized futures, like
managing Burger King or garbage
collecting. Before long, with tuition
raises the way they are and students
having to quit school because of them,
those will be two jobs highly in demand.
Well, there you have it. Nine or ten of
1982's most amazing slices of silliness.
And 1983-what will it bring, you may
ask? Only time will tell.
-Larry Dean

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9

Local show
stoppers
T HIS TERM saw a whole slew of exciting music
acts come to town, from every frequency of the
aural spectrum. They came bowing and blowing,
strumming and shouting. Though it's of course im-
possible to definitively compare complex things like
concerts, here's a selection of the best of the best:
* The Art Ensemble of Chicago (November 19):
Joseph Jarman and co. blows the truest, most
creative "great black music" anywhere. A real
treat.
" English Beat (November 7): Second Chance
almost burst at the seams during the Ranking
Roger/Dave Wakeling extravaganza of infectiously
danceable madness.
* Itzhak Perlman (October 5): The violin master
demonstrated why many call him the greatest vir-
tuoso since Heifitz.
* Joe Jackson (October 1): "Mr. Cool" jacked up
his Jumpin' Jive for an evening of hoppin' bopping.
* Peter Gabriel (November 20): From "Shock
the Monkey" on, a simply electrifying performance
from a resurgent Gabriel.
* Black Uhuru (September 4): Sly and Robbie
helped "Chill Out" a very hot reggae show.
* Marshall Crenshaw (December 5): Local boy
demonstrates that his day is coming with
"Someday, Someway" dynamism.
* Luther Allison (October 31 and November 7):
One of many blistering blues guitarists in Ann Ar-
bor this term, Allison showed power and personality
in his Halloween and Rick's appearances.
* Leipzig Gewandhaus Orchestra (November
14): Featured a classic program with Gustav
Mahler's "Titan" Symphony No. 1 and Beethoven's
Violin Concerto. Part of incredible University
Musical Society schedule which continues next
year. -Ben Ticho

Sports
highlights
UST IN CASE you missed it, here are the bests
and worsts of Michigan athletics from the
beginning of the school year through this past
weekend.
Worst
" Notre Dame 23, Michigan 17. On national TV,
the Wolverine football team plays woefully and is
lucky to only lose by six points.
" Western Michigan 10, Michigan 5. On December
3, the Michigan hockey team loses in a high-scoring
battle. But the lack of defense is not what makes
this game stand out. Stealing the thunder is a thick
fog which rolls into Yost Arena because of un-
seasonably warm weather. Six time outs have to be
called so that both teams can clear their benches
and skate around the ice in an effort to clear the fog.
" Ohio State 24, Michigan 14. The Wolverine grid-
ders turn the ball over six times and lose to their ar-
ch rivals.
" Michigan 88, Windsor 48. The men's basketball
team opens the year with an exhibition game, and,
in spite of playing raggedly, it crushes the visiting
Lancers. It wasn't the world's most exciting game,
to say the least.
" Fight night at Crisler. Only a sparse crowd of
2,900 bother to show up at Crisler Arena to watch an
uninteresting boxing card.
Best
" UCLA 31, Michigan 27. The Wolverine gridders
lose when, on fourth-and-goal from the Bruins'
eight-yard line in the waning seconds, quarterback
Steve Smith's pass to Anthony Carter falls imcom-


c
s
apt

No
muscle
Silk Electric
Diana Ross
RCA
By Susan Makuch
THERE'S NO mistaking that face.
Diana Ross (as seen through the
artistic eyes of Andy Warhol) stares at
you from the cover of her latest album,
Silk Electric.
Just like Warhol, who fancies making
movies and running magazines, Ross
feels it's her duty to expand her
horizons. Silk Electric is her second ef-
fort since she shattered the music in-
dustry by moving from her long-time
home label, Motown, to a richer, more
prestigious contract over at RCA. Part
of that package included an offer that
Diana just couldn't refuse - the chance
to write and produce some of her own
material. Well, watch out.
Buzz
rock
Life on the Telephone
Flag of Convenience
PVC
By Joe Hoppe
E X-BUZZCOCKS. Steve Diggle and
John Maher have reunited under
a Flag of Convenience. It's so con-
venient, supposedly, because the band
is not allowed to switch musical
allegiances at random. Flag of Con-
venience isn't a continuation of Buz-
zcock frantic rock.
Life on the Telephone, the band's
debut album, has them flying under the
convenient flag of dancepop rock. Dave
Farrow plays bass and "the
mysterious" D.P. plays the keyboards
to Diggle's guitar/vocals and Maher's
drums.
The music isn't the now kind of pop
filled with Velveeta electronics, thank-
fully, but tends to be nicely accented on
guitars, though the drums are a little
formulated and at times not much more
than a sophisticated programmable
drumbox in quality.
There are four songs on this 12" disc
made to turn at 45 (it's real big and is
normal size for an lp. ) Two of the cuts
are long and short versions of the title,
Life on the Telephone. They aren't on
the same side. It's a fairly catchy tune,
good to have bouncing around in the
caverns of your skull as you walk from
class to class. Diggle's vocals are wispy
ghostlike dronings, not gutwrenching,
but haunting nonetheless. Too many
"Uhhhhhohoho oooooooo" semi-sexual
groanings for my taste, but that's

"Face A," as the first side is so aptly
labelled, finds Diana's image once again
glaring at us. If the tunes get boring, at
least we can amuse ourselves by wat-
ching Diana going around in circles in
the middle of the record.
The opening number on Face A is the
first single from Silk Electric,
"Muscles." This little ditty, written by
none other than Diana's good friend
Michael Jackson, is terribly redundant
and shallow. The repetitive lyrics are
utterly ridiculous. At one point Diana
hums, "I don't care if he's young or old
(CHORUS: Just make him beautiful), I
just want someone I can hold on to.. . I
want muscles, all over his body."
What is even funnier than these wor-
ds is Diana panting in between the ver-
ses. I get the distinct impression that
"Muscles" is an attempt to cash in on
Olivia's "Physical" rage - but I hate to
inform Diana that a copy is never as
good as the original.
Face A also -contains two of Diana's
own compositions, both of equal in-
feriority. In "Fool for Your Love," we
get Diana's "proof" that she is a ver-
satile performer. She tries to rock har-
der than Pat Benatar, but ends up with
nothing but a myriad of loud screams
and synthesizers. (Side note to Diana:
that doesn't constitute rock 'n' roll.)
The ultimate in her atrocious writing
style appears at the conclusion of Face
A. Entitled "Turn Me Over," the song
probably what makes the song. The
words aren't too bad, about as
meaningful as most stuff around these
days. Nice waterfall trickling slowed-
down Buzzcocks guitar, too. A lot more
fun to dance to than synthopop
yuckstuff. The shorter version is better
(attention span and all).
The other two songs are good, but
don't really have the hook of "Life on
the telephooooooone uhhho, uhhhho."
"The Other Man's Sin" is finger poin-
ting and self righteous of course ("The
Other man's Sin/ will tear you apart to
believe . . . ") Interesting repetitive
singsong guitar here; a little deeper
and more desperate vocals.
"Picking Up on Audio Sound" has a
redundant title and starts with slow
semi-antchants. Lyrics are intelligible,
if not truly meaningful ("This is not
love/ this is not hate/ some kind of
living room where living's too
late . .. some kind of imagery to audio
sound.") Keyboards keep up smoke-
alarm-urgent background, the rest is
blended fairly well. Vocals seem
peachy and too wispy drawn out (a bad
caricature of "Life on the Telephone.")
But the truly wonderful thing about
Life on the Telephone is that it sounds
good slowed down. The first time I
listened to it I had it on 331/3 (after all, it
is a 12"). The album is far superior at
that speed, and besides, the music lasts
longer. Vocals are slightly distorted, but
come across as an electronically
treated Bowie/Johansen fake baritone;
real mouthnoise from the deeps. The
textures of the instruments are accen-
ted with a much better clarity-there's
so much going on we don't notice at
higher speeds. And dancing a slow 'lude
writhe to this record would be much
more fun than trying to function at
some normal speed.
Flag of Convenience isn't the Buz-
zcocks, but they still make good-music.
If they stand true to their name, we
might have something totally different
for the next album, another convenient
and hopefully interesting musical style. a

(complete with full writing, producing,
and arranging credits) consists of just
that - 154 seconds of Diana sensually
whispering "turn me over." Get it? It's
the last song on the first side! Please.
Face B doesn't start off much better
than the flip side. "Who" has Diana
asking us "Who left my lover in the
rain?" this perky pseudo-disco song
could grow on you, if it didn't have such
idiotic lyrics. (But, considering there's
only three more lines other than the
aforementioned, I guess that's asking
too much.)
Finally, Diana struts her indepen-
dence in another tune she penned all by
her lonesome, called "I Am Me." Not
only is the song weak musically (it in-
cessantly repeats the same annoying
beat), but it, too, contains more than its
share of trite verses ("happy or sad,
good or bad, I am me"). ('mon,

Diana.
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Michigan tops Illinois, again.
plete. This game was chock full of scoring and ex-
citement.
" Michigan 16, Illinois 10. The final result and role
is reversed for Bo Schembechler's grid squad. This
time, Illinois has the ball on the Michigan two-yard
line in the final minute of play. On a fourth-down
play, the pass-happy Illini run the ball and come no
where near the goal line.
" Michigan 52, Purdue 21. The only exciting
aspect of this rout is that a Rose Bowl berth is
secured for the football team.
" Michigan 2, Western Michigan 1. The Wolverine
icers, short on defense for most of the season,
shockingly win a low-scoring game.
" The Michigan men's cross country team
finishes in sixth place at the NCAA Championships.
The women's squad comes in eighth.
" For the second consecutive year, Michigan
senior Heston Scheffey wins the tobacco-spitting
championship at the 31st Annual Midwestern
Foresters Conclave at Ames, Iowa. Mark "Animal"
Neggers also helps the Michigan effort by trium-
phing in the one-man bucksawing championship. If
this isn't reason for campus pride, what is?
--Ron Pollack

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