Off the Record

The Michigan Daily-Wednesday, October 13, 1982-Page 9
Restless spectator
Brooks frustrated by stay on sidelines

By BOB WOJNO WSKI
Real Men of the Big Ten...
... where have they gone?
MUCH TO THE chagrin of many and the surprise of no one, the gridiron
giants of the Big Ten got their collective backsides bruised by non-
conference bullies this season, posting a putridly paltry 8-14 mark. The "Big
None, Little Ten" posted this ridiculous record while playing the likes of
Northern Illinois, Baylor, Syracuse and that fearsome Ohio Triumvirate of
Miami, Toledo and Ohio U.
Scholars and football coaches across the land are, at this very moment, at-
tempting to ascertain logical explanations for this sudden demise, but the,
answer is stupendously simple. There plain and simply are not enough Real
,Men associated with Big Ten football anymore.
With the quiche-eating fad sweeping the nation; more and more of our Big
Ten heroes seem to be picking up their consumption of the delectable little
pastry, and the results are becoming increasingly evident on the playing
field. Like the book says, all men can be placed in one of two categories:
Real Men or Quiche-Eaters. And when you separate the principle characters
of the conference into these two categories, well, alas; the gory details. .

The Quiche-Eaters
Mike White-He comes from*
California where the state food is
quiche and Jerry Brown is governor.'
Muddy Waters-Are you serious?
The man oozes quiche from every
pore in his body.
Leon Burtnett-Real Men don't
blow eight-point leads in the last two*
minutes of a game.
Earl Bruce-He's the only man in
Columbus who knows what quiche?
is, but he eats it anyhow.
Lee Corso-This isn't funny, but
Corso can quaff quiche with the best
of them.t
Hayden Fry-You guessed it. He,
eats quiche on the cob.
Smokey Joe Salem-Only quiche-
eaters play indoors and only ex-
coaches lose to Northwestern.

RealjMen
Do't at
to All That-
Is TrulyI
r JAL
Masculine
Brue firstein
Illustrated by Lee Lovenz
Maa-a -U..

By RON POLLACK ,
A rather large, ominous figure sat slumped in his seat inside the Michigan
Stadium press box during this Saturday's Michigan-Michigan State game. At 6-6,
230 pounds he was a sharp contrast to the reporters who were predominantly short,
pot-bellied, or balding.
Also' unlike the objective scribes in attendance, the man was cheering on his
team.
"DAMN, OH MAN," he said when a Michigan State kick returner surged toward
a large hole in the Michigan coverage. He then shielded his eyes as if such an ac-
tion would do his Wolverines some good.
Such was the way Michigan sophomore defensive tackle Kevin Brooks spent his
afternoon.
Knocked out of his starting spot due to a knee injury incurred in the Indiana
game two Saturdays ago, Brooks spent the day chomping at the bit, eager to join
his teammates on the field.
"I FELT A big letdown knowing I couldn't contribute to our victory," said
Brooks. "It's real weird, especially against Michigan State. It's funny seeing your
teammates out there. It's hard to explain, you just wish you were out there. You
get in the starting lineup and then go on the injured reserve. It's frustrating.
"It's very boring up here in the press box," he con-
tinued. "I'd rather be down there playing. I like the band,
though. This is the first time I've seen it since I've been
playing here."
Having made it crystal clear that he didn't like spending
his Saturday afternoon in the press box, Brooks then ex-
plained the few benefits that went with his absence from
the playing field.
"I'VE NOTICED a lot of things from up here," said Brooks. "For example, I've
noticed how people react during a play. On Michigan State's last drive in the half
where they scored three, we hung in there. It was a thrill for me to see them stop
them. I also noticed how to take on blockers better and other little things in
technique."
As a defensive tackle, Brooks was obviously interested in the Wolverines line
play when the Spartans had the ball. And naturally, the play of his replacement,
junior Dave Meredith, came under his watchful eye. In spite of the fact that
Meredith now has his job, Brooks expressed no ill will toward the 6-4, 239-pounder.
He cheered him on instead.
"Dave Meredith is capable of handling the job, so I'm confident with him out
there," said Brooks. "I'm glad for him. Who knows, maybe he'll do a better job
than I did."
Should that happen, Brooks realizes he will have a tough time regaining the star-
ting job that was once his. "I'll just have to play hard when I get back," said
Brooks, who predicts he will be out another week or two. "The best 11 men will be
out there. Meredith and I are good friends on and off the field. It's not a com-
petitive thing with us. We'll just look at it as who can do a better job."

Dave McClain-Who is this man? Does anybody know what he looks like?
Does anybody care? He's a closet quiche-eater.
Tony Eason-The guy looks like Opie of Andy Griffith fame and probably
eats as much of Aunt Bea's quiche as the next man,
Babe Laufenberg-With a name like that he probably lives on the stuff.
Steve Smith-He keeps throwing his quiche to Craig Dunaway,who keep
dropping it.
Scott Campbell-Real men don't quarterback winless teams.
John Leister-Ditto.
Mike Tomzcak-He'll be eating his quiche from the bench from now on.
Mike Hohensee-He tossed his quiche during last Saturday's loss to Nor-
thwestern.
Sandy Schwab-Be serious.
Reggie Roby-C'mon, the man always out-quiches his kicking coverage.
Ali Haji-Sheikh-His quiche is being held hostage.
Matt Vanden Boom-He steals Smith's quiche and gives it to. . .
Chucky Davis-Who inhales the stuff.
Wayne Duke-Have you ever seen the man? He's eaten enough quiche to
supply the city of Paris for an entire month.
Don Canham-He buys it wholesale and sells it for a 50 percent profit.
Pretty slim pickings, huh? Well, roll up those sleeves and get ready for ...
Thne Rea l Men
Anthony Carter-Quiche is fattening. The man's too skinny to eat quiche.
Duane Gunn-The man outruns quiche.
Carl Banks-Quiche curdles when Carl looks at it.
John Lott-No quiche-eater would play with a broken arm.
Dennis Green-The man's so big, even if he did eat the stuff I wouldn't
condemn him for it.
Bo Schembechler-If he knew what it was he'd probably slam it off an of-
ficial's head.
Anne Doyle-Real men close locker rooms single-handedly.
So you see, the situation is not a good one. They're eating quiche at the
training tables, in the huddles, in the coaches' meetings and on the bus. But
who am I to lament the sorry state of affairs? After all, they say Real Men
don't write columns about quiche-eaters.
Pistons surprise Lakers

Daily Photo by BRIAN MASCK
Michigan's Kevin Brooks closes in on Notre Dame quarterback Blair Kiel
during the Wolverine's 23-17 loss to the Irish earlier this season. Brooks, who
suffered a knee injury two weeks ago against Indiana, had four bone chips
removed from under his knee-cap last week and is hopeful of returning to the
Michigan defensive line within two weeks.


UPI Top ,Twenty

1. Washington (25) .......... 5-0
2. Alabama (10) ............ 5-0
3. Pittsburgh (7) .............4-0
4. Georgia ................. 5-0
5. SMU .................... 5-0
6. Nebraska ................ 4-1
7. Arkansas ................. 5-0
8. North Carolina ........... 4-1
9. Notre Dame ............ 4-0
10. Penn State...............4-1
11. UCLA................. 4-0-1
12. West Virginia ............ 4-1
13. Illinois ................5-1
14. LSU ........ ........... 3-0-1
15. Florida St................ 4-1
16. Texas .................... 3-1
17. Clemson .................3-1-1
18. Oklahoma ..'........... 3-2
19. Florida ................... 3-2
20. Miami (Fla.) ............. 4-2

604
581
567
491
405
382
358
318
310
291
197
170
86
53
45
43
29
24
21
20

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TREKIES
6 Ft. S.S. Enterprise
Computer Poster
Send $3 to Heuristics
Group, Box 43177, Det., Mi. 48243

I


By JESSE BARKIN
Special to the Daily
PONTIAC- Magic Johnson and his
World champion Los Angeles Lakers
came into Motown last night expecting
to go through the motions and notch
another pre-season victory, but the
betroit Pistons did not treat the Lakers
like royalty and won a tough, yet sloppy
exhibition contest, 106-98, in front of
14,175 at the Silverdome.
Laker coach Pat Riley did not seem
worried when Isiah Thomas gave the

Pistons a 96-85 lead with 6:38 remaining
on a stutter-stepping dribble-drive
jumper in the lane and converted a free
throw for a three-point play.
Just bring in the horses, he thought,
as he returned Kareem Abdul-Jabbar,
Johnson, and Jamaal Wilkes into the
lineup, with Norm Nixon following a
minute later. But the Pistons reminded
them that they too had players in the
game, as Thomas, John Long, and
Kelly Tripucka put the game away with
some late-game hustle.

The U-M Institute
of Gerontology
presents
LEE RAINWATER
Author and
Harvard University Sociologist
"FAMILY WELL-BEING
IN THE WELFARE STATE"
THURSDAY, 3:30 p.m.
West Conference Room,
Rackham Building

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