Tuesday, April 13, 1982.
The Michigan Daily
Faust now Howard
Somewhere in the heavens, in a coffee
"All right, Michael-let's get down to
business. I didn't fly all the way up here for
nothing. I want him."
"Not so fast there, Lucifer. We'll sit, we'll
talk-what's the rush? Why don't you order a
my mother. Call me Satan, or Mephistopheles,
or Beelzebub-anything but Lucifer."
"Okay, Lucifer. Now whom did you want?"
"You know whom I want, you damn sissy.
That Witt jerk-you know, the two-bit colum-
nist who thinks he's such a hotshot."
"All YES, DEAR Howard. He does write his
last column today, doesn't he?"
"You bet your fairy wings he does. Two years
of mindless nattering, 55 offensive columns
chock full of filth, fustian, and foulness. He's
mine-all mine! I've come to drag him down
into the dark netherworld of the classifieds, so
"Now you just hold your satyrs, Lucifer. I'm
afraid we were planning to keep Howard up
here with us, on the celestial Page One. He's
tried to do a lot of good with his columns."
"What are you, nuts? I think your harp
strings need a little tuning, if you get my drift.
Need'I remind you of his very first column,
'Cheerleaders: The American Wet Dream'?
Talk about crass ! The kid's been doomed since
he first dropped his slimy fingers on the home
"Well, I'll grant you that first one may not.
have been the most tasteful-"
"AND HOW ABOUT the second? 'An Anal
Fixation: It's Not All It's Cracked Up To Be.'
Come on, Mikey baby. Hand him over."
"Okay, okay-so he had a rough start. But
his heart's always been in the right place. He's
always tried to entertain his readers, to put a
smile on their faces, to help them look at thingsl
from a new perspective. And he's so humble."
"Cut the manna, halo-head. You're supposed
to be omniscient-you know as well as I do that
he just liked getting his picture. in the paper
every week. He would practically have an
orgasm when somebody recognized him in a
restaurant. I swear, the crumb's got an ego so
big you could drive a heavenly chariot through
"And the letters-he sure loved all those
angry letters. Especially when his name was in
"Okay, smart asp-how about that column
he wrote about registering for the draft? I'd
say that was some pretty fair soul-searching."
"AND THE ONE titled 'Why Are Blacks So
Unhappy Here?' Sure, he didn't have all the
answers, but he raised some mighty serious
"Pseudo-liberal drivel." -
"How about when he took
Braves of Michigamua, that
society? Why, he was like
"More like Cain slaying Abel."
"His two columns about the neo-Nazis-I'd
say he took a very sensible stance, urging
everyone to ignore them."
"Too bad 3,000 demonstrators ignored him."
"Look, cherub-cheeks-I've had enough of
this can-you-top-this crap. It's time I brought
out the big guns."
"Oh, no! You don't mean-"
"That's right-remember 'Why Are You
Reading the Daily?'? How're you gonna defend
that neat bit of treachery?"
"I . . . I ...
"And 'Spitting On the College Republicans.'
Not very uplifting, was it?"
"STOP, STOP IT. Nobody's perfect."
"How about those cheap shots he took at the
poor Greeks? What is it you angels call
"Yes, yes-enough! You're right-that
really was the last straw. I was a Chi Phi, you
"So he's mine? I can take him down for a lit-
on the Mighty
"Well, as much as I hate to let you do it,
I-Oh, hello there, little seraph."
"Telephone for you, Mr. Michael. It's frog
You Know Who."
"Thanks. Hello? ... Oh, yes Sir! How ark
You? ... Oh, I'm getting by... You want nm
to what? ... Are You kidding? ... Excuse
me, Sir-I know You don't kid. Well, thanks f4,'
calling! Lucifer, I'm afraid I've got some bad
nevs for you."
"Don't tell me-it was your father calling.'
"In a manner of speaking. He told me I can't
give you Howard just yet."
"It figures. Just when I'm about to hav6
some fun, He steps in to ruin it. First Job, thei
Faust-now Howard. How long do I have oQ
"About ten years."
"Ten years? What happens in ten years?";
"By then Howard will have a nationally syn-
dicated newspaper column."
"Oh, God help us!"
This is Witt'sfinal-column for the Daily.
nice piece of angelfood cake and a cup of cof-
"They got Sanka in this joint? I tel you, this
place really makes me nervou Why's
everything gotta be so goddamn clean and
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that last remark,
"And quit calling me Lucifer. You sound like
. J3Itta n ail
Edited and managed by students at The University of Michigan
Vol. XCII, No. 153
420 Maynard St.
Ann Arbor, MI 48109
Editorials represent a majority opinion of the Daily's Editorial Board
An alternate crisis
HILE WORLD attention currently
is focused on the once obscure
Falkland Islands in the South Atlantic,
a potentially, more explosive crisis
looms thousands of miles away in the
This less publicized crisis started in
Europe, when Israel accused the
Palestinian Liberation Organization of
assassinating an Israeli diplomat in
Paris last week. PLO leader Yasir
Arafat denied the charges, but Israel
insisted the murder was a violation of
the peace agreement between the two
groups, and has amassed troops near
the Lebanese border to oppose the
Fortunately, both sides have heeded
U.S.-calls for restraint. For now, all on
the Lebanese-Israeli border is quiet
and peaceful, and the PLO has pledged
to obey the cease-fire.
. Nevertheless, the seeds for a
prolonged, bloody conflict remain. in
the desert sand, waiting for stormy
conditions to germinate. As the recent
violence on the West Bank and the
threat ofa war in Lebanon indicate,
there can be no permanent peace and
security in the region until the groups
involved resolve the Palestinian
At the heart of the problem'lies in-
flexible leaders that refuse to com-
promise. The two sides won't even sit
at the same table to talk and instead
have chosen violence as a crude
messenger of political aims, while in-
nocent civilians are caught in the
Another war in Lebanon will not
solve any problems for Israel and con-
sequently, Israeli leaders must be
lauded for the restraint they have
shown so far. But how long can a peace
last ,when the underlying tensions
The United States needs to launch a
new peace drive in the Middle East to
try to mitigate these tensions and
establish lasting security for the
Though America is busy mediating
the Falkland crisis, the problems of the
Middle East can not be put on the back
burner. More than three years after
the Camp David agreementawas
signed, .the/ United States must again
wage peace before the troubled region
erupts into yet another war.
LETTERS TO THE DAILY:
CRISP fees unfair to LSA s
CA OL &I~E - CARE
ThAr AR t8
ST IPMIr\E WUER"WR
WANT,. 4 .
To the Daily:
This week students at CRISP
will be given letters explaining
that beginning in fall 1982 most
student drop/adds after the third
week will incur a $10 charge per
session. The few exceptions
allowed "will be for changes
which result from University ac-
tion.". The justification for this
fee is that high administrative
costs result from these late
Because the College of
Literature, Science, and the Arts
is the largest school on campus,
LSA students will bear the brunt
of this new fee. For the fall 1981
term there were 1,824 changes in
student schedules between the
fourth and ninth weeks of the
term in LSA (excluding late adds
of minicourses and other Univer-
sity-caused changes). Associate
Registrar Douglas Woolley and
Assistant to the Vice President
for Academic Affairs Ernest
Zimmerman maintain that most
of the changes were a result of
student laziness and
procrastination - that these
changes could have occurred
during the first three weeks of the
term if students were willing to
stand in CRISP lines. I believe
this particular opinion has been
The LSA Faculty Counselor
Handbook delineates allowed
drops from the fourth to ninth
week due to the following: in-
correct course placement, an
unexpectedly heavy load that
prevents acceptable performan-
ce, content of a course that dif-
fers significantly from its
description, changes in student
educational goals, demonstrable
personal conflict with an instruc-
tor, severe personal or health
problems, and other severe
problems adversely affecting
Do severe personal health
problems, incorrect course
placements, or changes in
educational goals result from
laziness and procrastination? I
maintain they do not.
It appears that, at least as far
as LSA students are concerned,
the University intends to increase
its revenues by taking advantage
of student misfortune. A number
of LSA administrators are un-
convinced that this new fee will
reduce the number of transac-
tions at CRISP by any ap-
preciable amount. How then does
the University expect the fee to
work? And why has there been so
little public dialogue about the
imposition of this fee?
Until the University provides
some answers to the following
questions the new fee should be
fought by all faculty and studen-
ts. The University has failed to
act openly at all regarding this
new fee; in fact, it appears to be a
solution imposed without real
analysis of the problems in-
volved. Reexamination of the fee
is necessary before the Univer-
sity goes ahead, and a student-
faculty committee should be
formed to make the final
Y/OUR 9IC1T To
5IFLL AX 13RLAIS ON
'OKg ?LANTF5' ANP
Letters and columns represent the opin-
ions of the individual author(s) and do not
necessarily reflect the attitudes or beliefs of
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