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Ninety-Two Years
of
Editorial Bullshit.

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NONE
The weather was called off
today because it wasn't
very good.


Vol. ???, No. ?

Copywrong None of this is Real

Ann Arbor, Me-e-e-e-she-e-e-gan-Thursday, April 1

Ten Pennies for your Thoughts

Lots o'smaller but better pages


Bo may go
to Texasm
r$
*for tacos of f;
and red A
hot ribs
By JACKIE SHERRILL ".
The Daily learned late last night that
Texas A&M has not yet quit in its quest -
to lure Michigan football coach Bo
Schembechler to Aggieland. u.e.
_Reportedly, the Aggies have upped4x
the ante and are willing to send the
University their geography department
And School of Natural Resources (world
renowned for its desert management x .
and cacti irrigation programs) in ex-
change for Schembechler. -
Schembechler would reportedly
receive three Taco Bell franchises and w
one Billy Ray's Red-hot Ribs joint in th CIA File Photo by Daily photographer Brian Masck
pact. N'abb'ed
"Hell," drawled Bo in his best This photo, taken by undercover federal agents, shows University President Harold Shapiro purchasing a marked
southern twang, "I sure do love them bag of M&M candies from an agent posing as a saleswoman. The exchange was the culmination of more than four
ribs. You can't get them little buggers months of investigative work by federal agents who suspected Shapiro of secretly buying the candies with money from
up h See BURRITO, Page7.2 the University's General Fund.
alvadoran vacations promoted

Facultyhit

b y

arbitrary

mass layoffs

By EYEM TYERD
University President Harold Shapiro,
said yesterday that he is "tired of all
this bureaucracy" outlined in Regental
Bylaws and proceeded to dismiss "a
bunch" of faculty members effective
immediately.
"We're talking about people I never
met in the first place," Shapiro said,
adding, "all they do is get on my nerves
complaining all the time about parking
space."
ACCORDING TO Shapiro, his new
plan will cut remaining faculty salaries,
by 90 percent and contracts will contain
an "if you don't like it, leave" clause.
To offset their income reductions
faculty members will circulate a hat at
the beginning of each class and studen-
ts will contribute what they feel the
class is worth from their tiny financial
aid checks.
"I don't want to start sounding like
(Vice President for Academic Affairs)
Billy Frye, but we have to start doing
something a little more radical to con-
tinue reducing the general fund,"
Shapiro explained.
THE ANNOUNCEMENT came on the
heels of a Budget Priorities Committee
decision to review the 16 other schools
and colleges for subsequent reduction
and elimination (see their obituaries on
Page 64).
"I don't want to start sounding like
President Shapiro," said Vice
President for Academic Affairs Billy
Frye, "but the plan is OK with me."
Frye, who is not a faculty member,
said the plan is consistent with the

SAN SALVADOR, El Salvador (AP)-The rightist
military junta leaders of several Central American
countries met yesterday in this strife-torn capital to
kick off a new public relations campaign called
"Vacation in Central America."
The portly junta leaders complained that recent
U.S. press coverage of the bloody conflicts in El
Salvador, the abrupt military coup in Guatemala
and the leftist insurgent overthrow in Nicaragua
have given Central America a bad reputation as a
vacation hideaway.
AMERICAN REPORTERS have given repression a
bad name," said Gen. Erain Rios Montt, who recen-

tly suspended Guatemala's constitution. "Do you
honestly think we impose these restrictions for our
personal political security? No, we do these things for
the good of the tourist trade."
The dictatorial rulers, meeting at a round-table
conference, voted to institute a campaign,
nicknamed "U.S. into El Salvador," especially
designated to attract Americans.
"Americans read about us everyday," said Armun-
to Ascabol, strongman of the Salvadoran secret
police hit squad. "Why not come and have a looksee
at the familiar sights? You've heard about the night-

time village raids? Well, nothing can equal a guided
through a rebel camp."
THE TOTALITARIAN kingpins promised several
reforms designed to placate liberal-minded American
tourists, such as temporary civil liberties for visitors
staying one week or more, surface clean-ups of
migrant worker camps, and special golf hats for tour
groups reading "Let me be. I'm a Yankee sight-
seer"-a safe passage signal to be recognized by all
insurgent guerrillas.
Plans were finalized at the conference for construc-
tion of a new high-rise Holiday inn to be located in
downtown San Salvador, near the site of a recent
See BLOODBATH, Page 1/2

Brezhnev
... doesn't care
ultimate objectives of the Five-year
plan, and therefore,."cool."
Arthur Miller, a prominent political
scientist, said he doesn't mind the pay
cut because he's: "not in it for the
money. "
When contacted at his villa on the
outskirts of Moscow, Soviet Premier
Leonid Brezhnev said he "doesn't care
what happens to learning institutions
under the capitalist system."
See CREATURES, Page 7

)

A
Artist's conception

TAs stunned by robotics shift

1

Smaller 'U hospital
edges toward reality

By MANOV STEELE
As part of its efforts to cut the budget
and "redirect" the University, ad-
ministrators proudly announced
yesterday that they will phase out the
entire staff of University teaching
assistants and replace them with
University-built robots.
"It's an incredible idea. I don't know
why we didn't think of it before," said a
grinning Billy Frye, vice president for
academic affairs. "It is a fine and
prudent way for the University to re-
examine its budgetary priorities in a
responsible manner, by which the
state's bleak financial outlook can be
taken into account at the same time
that University production potential, in
its new high technology efforts, can be
realized in a beneficial and profitable
manner, with the Regents' approval of
course."
FRYE SAID that the University's
teaching assistants would be receiving
pink 'slips just as soon as the new,
brightly-painted robots start rolling off
the production lines at the University's
new Industrial Technology Institute.
Frye was quick to point out that the
advent of robots in the classroom does
not mean that teaching assistants will
lose their jobs. "A lot of these TAs who
will be discontinued can probably be
reallocated to work on the ITI assembly
lines," he said. "That way, they can
pay for their educations and still con-
tribute to the University's redirection."
Graduate student leaders, however,
were quick to condemn the ad-
ministration's decision.
"WELL, OF COURSE, we're like
really bummed," said a member of the
Graduate Employees Organization. "It

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By BEASTLY BURDENS
Planners of the new University hos-
pital announced yesterday that the
presently planned $285 million com-
plex would be replaced by a $50 wood
frame structure capable of treating
eight small people in the same day.
The scaled-down version became
necessary when the state was unable
to sell over $140 million in state bonds
to the unemployed and over-taxed
citizens of the state, according to
planning director Roger Crafton.
"We're all very excited about our
low-budget, wood frame 'design,"

Crafton said. "We feel it will become
a model for budget-conscious medical
centers the world over," he added.
University Chief Financial Officer
James Brinkerhoff estimated that the
cost of the structure would be "around
50 bucks" and can be subsidized ex-
clusively by campus vending machine
revenues. "We really, really need a
hospital to replace the old one, and
this is the only way we could figure to
do it," he said.
"Most universities would have
given up when they couldn't raise the
money, but not this one," Crafton said.
See SPOTRUN, Page 90

VorI AA

Regent Thomas Roach ponders problem

came just when we thought everything
was cool now that we won the legal
rights for our union, but this just com-
pletely bummed everyone out. We've
just been sitting around here listening
to old Beatles albums and trying to
figure out what our next move will be."
Jon Feiger, president of the Michigan
Student Assembly, called the decision
"outrageous, just another

manifestation of the administration's
master plan to enslave all students and
create an oppressive military junta
ruled by the Pentagon." He said he will
meet with administrators tomorrow
and threaten to "hold a Diag rally or
something" if they do not rescind their
planned conversion to robots.
George Gamota, director of the

University's Institute for Science and
Technology, dismissed the students'
fears. "The robots will be more
available to the undergraduates than
TAs are now. Besides, they are
beautiful and sensitive creatures and
will be a wonderful addition to our
University community," he said
"Robots are our friends."
See SAW, Page 5


TODAY-
Just another Today article
JEFF SMITH of Boise, Idaho, had no idea
what he was getting into. First his dog ran
out of his yard and almost got hit by a car,
and then-can you believe this-two
elephants from the zoo escaped and rumbled into

5

Thurston Hinckley and his pet viper Spot saw the an-
telopes and the old lady, watched the canaries on the
elephants, was astonished by the state trooper from
Montana, checked out Smith and his dog, and then
decided to get into the act. He told his viper, Spot, to
slither on home and cook him dinner. Isn't that in-
credibly humorous-a viper named Spot cooking
some guy dinner. Well, when the viper left, Hinkley

been little change in the late comic's condition since
his death four weeks ago. Although Belushi was
removed from the critically dead list Monday, the
Saturday Night Live veteran is still "seriously dead,"
the coroner reported.
The Daily Almanac

. 1928-After completing five years of research, a
University professor published his work, "The
Sociological Impact of Moving the Margin Release
Key from the Right to the Left Side of a Typewriter."
On the inside .. .

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