OPINION

P

age 4-A

Friday, September 5, 1980

The Michigan Daily

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Edited and managed by students at The University of Michigan
420 Maynard St.
Ann Arbor, M148109
Editorials represent a majority opinion of The Daily's Editorial Board
T 1 r 1 ..~ 1 C1l 1

Jelly beans and Borateem:
A vision of President Rea

A

NO Mackey scandal here
W HEN MICHIGAN State Univer- The improvements to Shapiro's fo
sity President Cecil Mackey ball box-which included carpetir
came under fire two weeks ago for wallcovering, and new chairs-c
spending $17,500 to renovate his box in just under $10,000 and were fund
Spartan Stadium, an MSU spokesman from interest earned on monetary gi
defended the expenditure by asking given to the University.
"Why don't they go down to look at The The expense is almost inconsequ
Jniversity of Michigan. It's peanuts tial, especially in light of the potent
here compared to other places." gifts which can be wooed from visit
SIn fact, had anyone actually taken and alumni who will be invited to rel
the spokesman's advice and looked at in the box.
our own Michigan Stadium, he or she
would have seen President Harold Almost $100,000 is also being spent
$hapiro's football box undergoing repair and replace the 70-year-
similar renovation. heating system in the presiden
The difference between the two house on South University Ave.
projects, however, is that there is This expense, too, is justified. T
reason to doubt the legitimacy of the old heating system is inadequate
MSU renovations: Mackey's well- heat the home-which is a state l
publicized and divisive feud with the dmark and is often used for offic
MSU alumni -association and his con- University functions.
troversial $90,000 renovation to the In a time of severe University budj
president's house give rise to serious constraints, expenditures should
questions about MSU's administration. carefully scrutinized. The
There is no good reason to assail im- renovations, however, are prudent a
provements being made here. necessary.
A bad. football* tradition

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6 a

UST ONE WEEK from tomorrow,
our gridders knock heads with the
Northwestern Wildcats, leading off a
long season' of head-knockings. And
chances are all too good that there will
be examples of old-fashioned student
assault-passing up-in the stands.
It's all too easy to point at the beery
lunkhead who usually starts up the
chain that passes women over
bleachers or seats. The urge is strong
to finger him as the sole culprit.
But like the violence on the field, the,
passing up of women is rooted in a
group attitude. Between the goal posts
the tackle made is the careful result of
a team effort. Beyond the goal posts,
those whose hands help to force
woman over the heads of others, as
well as those who ignore the passing up
going on around them, both share in no
small part of the guilt.
It takes special nerve to grab a
woman against her will and carry her
away from her seat. It takes an

astounding show of ignorance to
believe that anyone enjoys. such treat-
ment.
It is a problem that has been around
for years, landing at least one victim in
the hospital when she was dropped last
year. If the University's recently-an-
nounced "public relations" program to
end the practice can not be termed
prompt, it is surely one that is warmly
welcome. The Office of Student Ser-
vices' plan to circulate posters and
packets of information, if it reaches all
students, will play an important role in
the ending of the harrassment.
It is unfortunate, however, that the
athletic department has not worked
very hard to end the practice. The
Regents had the opportunity to
pressure the department, but chose not
to; the error is only being compounded
now, with the department doing
precious little besides prodding
stadium security guards to remember
that passing women up is no joke.

2i
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The end of the Polishjoke
N CONTRAST with the exceedingly shipyard were showered with gover-
childish brawling that has been nment leaflets that falsely claimed the
ranspiring on the domestic political strike was over, the workers' demands
cene, a massive and very brave act of satisfied. Not only was the propaganda
lefiance has been going on abroad. largely ignored by the workers, but the
In a development that might happily following day the very printing plant
pell the end of one unfortunate workers who had produced the false
American tragedy-the Polish leaflets joined the strike.
oke-laborers across that European The curious thing about the revolt, as
jation showed- themselves to be commentators have noted, is that
nything but the crude figures theoretically such an event is an im-
tereotypically advanced in tasteless possibility in a socialist country. If the
thnic ribaldry. Labor strikes spread workers own the means of production
is if by contagion from Gdansk, on the and they make demands of managem-
hores of the Baltic Sea, to the ent, they must be making those
outhern reaches of Poland. demands of themselves. As that was
The spirit of the labor revolt was clearly not the case, the "glories" of
perhaps best exemplified by one in- Soviet-influenced communism took a
-ident that occurred some 10 days into sorely needed, well-publicized slap in
he strike: The strikers in the Gdansk the face.
S.V . s. The protest seems to* be winding
k., down now, and most of the Poles have
gone back to work. Not only have
wages been raised and benefits in-
creased, but the all-but-puppet gover-
. .nment has promised to ease restric-
tions on civil liberties. Unfortunately,
Sthere seems to be little hope of guaran-
teeing that substantive social changes
V.' ' . ,.are enacted .
.r eate.One agreeable recent development
r ' b in the Poland situation is the move by
... . U the AFL-CIO-the vast American

Dear Doctor,
It was a dream, a terrible
nightmare, that has haunted me
for the past three weeks. It lan-
ded me in this sanitarium. They
say I need therapy-quickly-if I
am ever to get back "outside."
You were recommended. Please
help me. Let me explain my
dream.
There he was, sitting in the
Oval Office: President Reagan.
He was wearing a white Stetson
hat and a black pin-stripe suit,
eating jelly beans by the handful.
Boxes of Borateem and little'
wagon trains were strewn on
shelves and tables all over the
room, and on one end-I am not
kidding you, sir-there was an
Urban Cowboy mechanical bull.
The whole image is all too clear
in my mind; it will not leave.
ANYWAY, PRESIDENT
Reagan was sitting there eating
jelly beans when Nancy walked
in. She said the "guests" had
arrived, and the president waved
them in: the leaders of the Army,
the Navy, the Air Force, the
Marines, and U.S. Chief of Staff
Gen. George Jones.
They sat down around the
president's desk and accepted
handfuls of jelly beans.
"Glad you could make it,
men," President Reagan said.
"Please enjoy my jelly beans,
and have a box of Borateem on
the way out."'The military men
nodded graciously.
"I've never been one to mince
words, men, so I won't start now.
As you know, the government I
have been elected to run is in a
shambles. It is much too large,
and the liberals have made things
unmanageable, what with en-
vironmental regulations, win-
dfall profits taxes, abortion han-
douts, equal rights laws and
quotas, and the like. I tell you
men, things have gotten totally
out of hand."
The officers nodded again, and

a stereo system began playing
Gene Autry music.
"WE'RE SLIMMING down,
men, consolidating, and it is you
who will carry out the major
responsibilities in my ad-
ministration." President Reagan
stood up and walked over to the
secretary of the Navy. "Tom," he
said, "you will become secretary
of the new Navy and Education
Department. You will continue to
lead the Navy as you have so well
in the past, but you will also
supervise what is left of the old
Department of Education, which
I have all but dismantled. The
states will handle our schools
from now on, so there won't be
much to do except answer the
phone and read the mail."
The admiral smiled, making
little attempt to conceal his
satisfaction with the promotion,
and President Reagan patted him
on the head.
He turned to the Air Force
commander.
"As for you," General, you will
be in charge of the Department of
Transportation sand Air.Force.
Frankly, Lou, I haven't the
vaguest notion what the transpor-
tation department did in the first
place, except run Amtrak, which
I scrapped. They tell me you've
been howling for more personnel
for the Force, so you can get most
of the old transportation people
sweeping hangars, manning
carriers, flying B-52s,
whatever."
He walked over to his jar of
jelly beans, and poured them all
down his throat, without
bothering to chew. Then he
walked over to the Marine leader
and took his hand.
"BOB, HOW would you like to
become the new secretary of
Labor and the Marines?" The
general's eyes nearly popped out
of his head, which he was nodding
vigorously. "Good. No more
'We're Looking for a Few Good

Men' ads, no more tables in dor-
mitory corridors, no more
recruiting seminars at summer
camps. With less aid going to the
cities and stricter welfare
requirements, you'll have more
men than you need. And with
your budget for next year, which
has been increased tenfold, we'll
put 'em all to work, won't be
Bob?" They were still shaking
hands, and the general kissed
that of the president.
Reagan turned to the secretary
of the Army.
"The Army will become the
Department of Health and The
Army, Eddie, and you'll be at the
reins. As they were, those two
departments completely
overlapped. Their motives were
identical: to protect the citizens
of this great country, and that's
what they will get-protection
like they have never had before.
And isn't that what it's all
about?" The president winked at
the general, who winked back.
Laughter filled the room.
All the while, Chief of Staff
Jones had been stone quiet,
waiting for his turn. President
Reagan walked over to him and
sat on his lap.
'GEORGE, GEORGE,
George," the President repeated
softly, and scratched the
General's chin. "For you, I have
the most important of respon-
sibilities: secretary of the Depar-
tment of Energy and Tactical
Weapons.
"With the need for a stronger
nuclear deterrent," he continued,
"and a nuclear-based energy.
policy designed to free us from
our dependence on foreign oil,
your role will be a vital one for
the future of America. You can
combine facilities, technology,
personnel; produce warheads
right where you power American
cities and suburbs; dig silos right
where you bury radioactive
waste. With you leading the cattle
drive, America can become
energy self-sufficient and secure
during my administration. And
with my massive nuclear
weapons program, America will
gain respect worldwide once
again."
General Jones began weeping
with happiness and shook the
president's hand.
From here, the dream gets a

little sketchy, sir, but what hap-
pened next caused me to leap out
of bed, run downstairs, and drive
to the airport-in my. under-
wear-where the policecaptured
me running through the terminal
shouting "We must all leave the
country! We must all leave the
country!"
As I recall, President Reagan
stared at the chief of staff, who
was still overcome. The president
lobbed him a jelly bean and
looked to the other men. The
Gene Autrey music in the
background faded away, and the
theme song from "Death Valley
Days" began.
"YES, MEN," the president
said, rising from his desk, "we'll
have security at home, and
respect abroad." The officers
shouted "Hear, hear!" and
followed President Reagan to his
mechanical bull. "Secrity at
home, respect abroad! Security
at home, respect abroad!" All
took up the chant as the president
mounted the steel and leather
contraption and switched it 6.
The bull began jumping violently,
and President Reagan waved his
Stetson hat in the air as he
skillfully kept his balance. The
"William Tell Overture" began
blaring as Nancy walked in with
George Bush. Behind them,
Barry Goldwater, Jesse Helms,
John Connally, and William
Buckley entered the :Oval Office,
and all took up the cantile:
"Security at home, respect
abroad! Security at home,
respect abroad!"
This terrible image was the last
I remember, sir, before I raced to
-the airport. Some men in white
suits captured me, put me in' a
strait jacket, andfilled me with
sedatives. I tried to convince
them that our country is doomed,
but they wouldn't listen, and they
brought me to this sanitarium
When that dream came back to
me, I lost control-pounding on
the walls, banging my head on
the floor. They came in and put
me back in the strait jacket, and
put a big rubber hat over my
head so I wouldn't shatter my
brain.
Sincerely,
Patient No. 371498
Daily staff writer Steve
Hook, a confessed masochist;
is trying to , follow the
presidential campaign without
losing his'sanity.


Weasel

by Robert Len ce*

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