MUSIC YO ULOVE TO HA TE

A guid1
By STEVE KURTZ
(Disclaimer: The views expressed in
this article are not necessarily those of
the author, nor, in fact, any one person
in the world. On the other hand,
however, the author guarantees that
there is at least one sentence with
which each person in the world can
agree.)
Do your friends ever discuss the
current music scene and you find your-
self not quite sure what to say when
they mention certain groups? You can
*lways say "Yeah, I like them. Their
music is fun and/or interesting to listen
and/or dance to. And their lyrics are
meaningful/beautiful." (The last sen-
tence is. optional.) This leaves no im-
pression on anyone unless anyone
thinks this group is bad/terrible. Let's
face it, to be trendy you've got to dislike
someone's music and know how to ex-
press it. No matter what band or in-
dividual is mentioned, there is some
sizable faction of important and in-
*uential music critics who hate their
sound, not to mention a certain number
of your friends. Now if you were to go
through all the magazines and books
necessary to discover this essential in-
formation, it would take countless
hours and cost hundreds of dollars. So
to save you all the time and expense, I
have assembled, after copious resear-
ch, a brief guide which contains all that
one needs to know and hate about most
of today's music. Here is a list of artists
followed by what is officially wrong
with them:
THE ROLLING STONES: Mick
Jagger is a sad self-parody. They
haven't done anything fresh or con-
siderable since Brian Jones died.
THE GRATEFUL DEAD: Music for
antique collectors; they went out with
Woodstock, but no one has the heart to
tell it tohead relic Jerry Garcia.
FRANK ZAPPA: From lambent
lampoon to lamentable lambast. What
0was once clever, keen satire and witty
music is now a puerile, jejune, facile,
obscene, odious, obnoxious, silly,
posturing, pseudo-complex lack of
style.
BOB MARLEY: Homogenized
reggae.
CHEAP TRICK: Who can take a
group seriously whose leader looks like
a cheap imitation of Huntz Hall?
They'te silly when they should be
clever and stupid when they should be
silly.
THE TUBES: As in down
the ... Second class Velvet Un-
derground.
JETHRO TULL: Wonderful songs if
you're a horse or a tree. Ian Anderson,
troubadour-flautist-menace, has over-
played his hand and been forced to
rehash since his fourth album. His
voice is 93 per cent nostril inflected.
YES: Arty band that has drowned in
its excesses.
ELP: See "Yes."
KANSAS: During its classier
moments, this band is a pale imitation
of Yes and ELP.
QUEEN: Marred by Freddy Mer-
cury's bloated songwriting, smarmy
singing, and ridiculous costumes.
HEA1T: Proves for once and all that
women really can't rock.
TED NUGENT: Mindless\ music to
get a lobotomy by. ,
ELO: No one's fooled. ELO is ac-
tually Jeff Lynne, who hasn't written a
new song since Eldorado. He took the
Paul McCartney School for Famous
Pablum. Songwriters correspondence
course.
BILLY JOEL: Paul McCartney's
clone. Would like to raise sophistication
of his music and lyrics, but he can't get

it up.
DAVID BOWIE: He'll try any damn
style he can get his hands on, but he can
play from now till kingdom come and
never top Ziggy Stardust.
CHICAGO: CTA started with a good
idea. Ever since then, it's been the law
of diminishing returns. Their second
album was 1/2 as good as their first,
their third was 1/3, their fourth was %,
and so on, ad infinitum.
AMERICA: If you can't trust a group
named after a city (Chicago) or a state
(Kansas), why bother listening to a
0 country. And when the Captain and
Tenille do a better version of one of
your songs than you do, it's time to
hang it up.
BOB DYLAN: It's a good thing he
found the Lord because his music in the
70's hasn't got a prayer.
EARTH WIND & FIRE: Should drop
Earth since their music is only so much
hot air. Funkless soul, soulless funk,
blueless rhythm, so on. Make 'em up

to. tren

yourself, they all fit.
BOSTON: If just engineers could
write music, this is what it would sound
like. Scoreboard so far - albums, two,
original songs, 1.
DEVO: If Boston is a one-song band,
Devo is a one-idea band, and heaven
knows the idea has nothing to do with
music.
BOB SEGER: A's own. He wrote his
own epitaph. He's a little bit older and a
lot less bolder than he used to be. He
used to shake 'em down but now he
stops to think about his dignity. He
stopped making good music when he
started making good money.
AEROSMITH: Lightweight heavy
metal.
LED ZEPPELIN: Good name for a
group with such earthbound (nay,
buried) music. Musically ambitious
without the talent or depth to back it up.
What was once fresh and vital music is
now stale and predictable. The words
change, the sound remains the same.
WAR: Music written by a committee.
THE VILLAGE PEOPLE:
Everything about this group's output
sounds so phony that it wouldn't be sur-
prising to find out they're all straight.
BARBRA STREISAND AND DONNA
SUMMER: Enough is enough.
ANDY GIBB, SHAUN CASSIDY,
LEIF GARRETT, etc.: Many may try,
but no one will ever replace stars like
David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman.
Oh, there were giants in those days.
BEE GEES: Who would spend money
for a BG's album when one can get the
superior David Seville and the Chip-
munks in the cut out bin?
VAN MORRISON: Who cares if he's
a religious fanatic or not now, he
always was overrated. The last word in
static music.
THE ,DOOBIE BROTHERS: A hoax.
No oe actually performs this
processed music. It's engraved directly
into the vinyl. Cuts out the middle man
and saves money, don't you know?
THE WHO: Pete Townshend hasn't
written any good songs since '75 and
John Entwistle never has. Maybe it's a
good thing these guys are getting into
movies. Come to think of it, maybe it's
a good thing Keith Moon got out before
it was too late. The group should take a
hint and die now that it's gotten old.
THE BEACH BOYS: Still riding the
wave they caught in the early 60's.
Trouble is, tide's out.
FOREIGNER, STYX, JOURNEY,
RUSH, GENESIS: Oh, come on, now.
PINK FLOYD: They sold out. Only
worthy stuff is pre-D.S.O.T.M. Latest
album fine if you prefer listening to
phone calls, strange whispering, air-
port terminals, and so on, over music.
PAUL MCCARTNEY: Treacle.
Forgotten how to rock.
JOHN LENNON: Too busy writing
letters. Forgotten how to record.
GEORGE HARRISON: Doesn't sing
songs, he gives sermons. Searching
music, i.e., for a melody.
RINGO STARR: If he could only play
drums, write music, and sing, he
wouldn't be half bad.
LINDA RONSTADT: She's made a
wonderful career of taking good songs
and doine execrable versions of them.
But popularizing through personal
wretchedness 4is a lucrative sport for
cover singers.
PAUL SIMON: Unlike other Paul,
McCartney, couldn't ever rock.
WARREN ZEVON AND RANDY
NEWMAN Sniveling little creeps
lashing out at a society they're too im-

dy
t to participate in.
IES TAYLOR: No
'he next best thin
rone of his voice alo
rent at fifty yards
ll his nasal wine.
IC CLAPTON:1
.y have fallen. Fror
TER FRAMPTON:

yet.
THE CARS: Badly
replacement parts. Mus
and clean that their disc
with a sanitary wrappera
STEELY DAN: No suc
Dan is a guise under whi
get together and see who
most claptrap in fiver
they send the tapes to
company, Esoteric In
located in a small com
and is made up of former
fathers are governors. T
lyrics to the music an
material. All proceeds g
Fagan, just two luck
whose names were picke
NEIL DIAMOND
MANILOW, JOHN DEN
JOHN: Still breathing.
EAGLES: They like to
dangerous desperad
mysterious California
their music is tame enou
your grandmother.
DAN FOGELBERG:
drivelarranged nicelyi
choruses.
STEVIE WONDER:I
and black isn't enough a
people who write ab
angiosperms are present
homes.
FLEETWOOD MAC:
should go back to the fore
she's meant to be - a
Christine McVie shoul
boring us with her inner
more interesting inner
Lindsey Buckingham sho
to sing higher than both o
TOM PETTY AND '
BREAKERS: Heard on

C Cism
you've heard them all.
THE KNACK: Not sexists, just
it half bad. All stupid. Should go out with a nice girl
g to Sominex. and then see what happens. Their debut
ne can bore in- album is so full of hooks it's a wonder
Should bottle that it doesn't rip through the jacket.
THE CLASH: Heavy rumors abound
Oh, how the that the stuff released in America
i Deity to Pid- wouldn't even be allowed in England.
Be that as it may, they're a very
Not outlawed, narrow band. They're bored with the
U.S.A., and the feeling is mutual.
* in need of PATTI SMITH: Shot her wad on Hor-
ic so stripped, ses. Nowhere to go. Wave bye-bye.
cs should come TALKING HEADS AND B 52'S:
around them. Weird to be weird. Clever to be clever.
ch thing. Steely Bound to be forgotten.
ch session men NICK LOWE ET AL: Putrid pop for
a can make the shallow people.
minutes. Then SUPERTRAMP: One small step for
a little-known music, one giant leap for Muzak.
nc., which is ELVIS COSTELLO: Combines a
mune in Idaho simple view of politics with even sim-
hippies whose pler music. As melodically advanced as
rhe hippies put early Herman's Hermits. Poseur.
id release the BLONDIE: Not a group. Blondie is
o to Becker and Deborah Harry, and don't you forget it.
:y Americans People only face their music to face Lit-
d out of a hat. tle Debbie. Next to Olivia Newton-John,
, BARRY it's the best music to'masturbate by.
[VER, ELTON BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN: The guy
thinks he's a poet. Wins the award for
o think they're most pretentious lyrics set to the most
oes with a pretentious music done in the most
mystique, but pretentious manner.
ugh to play for RAMONES: They play music as well
as your three-year-old brother, but
Meaningless can't pronounce the words as well.
in verses and Have an overall mental capacity of a
piece of coal.
Young, gifted, NEIL YOUNG: His voice is gone.
anymore. Most He's gotten by for a decade on ap-
bout stealthy proximately 3.27589 inventive pieces of
tly locked up in music.
JACKSON BROWNE: Neil Young
Stevie Nicks without brains.
est and be what JONI MITCHELL: Jackson Browne
wood nymph. without balls.
d either stop RICKY LEE JONES: Joni Mitchell
feelings or get without brains.
feelings. And CAROLE KING: Ricky Lee Jones
)uld stop trying without balls.
f them. I'm sorry so many great ones had to
THE HEART be left out. I hope I didn't miss any of
ne rocker and your favorites.

The Michigan Daily-Saturday, February 9, 1980-Page5
PUT'EM AWAY

:"acaaa z<"

JUST FORADAY.I
Hey, orth CaNPu
The Michigan Daily can be delivered directly
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Keep up with what's happening

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Now Playing at Butterfield Theatres

The Ann Arbor Film Coopersive presents at MLB: $1.50
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9
FLESH GORDON
(Michael Benveniste and Howard Ziehm, 1974) 7 & 10:20-MLB 3
Flesh Gordon and Dale Ardo fly to the Planet Porno to defeat the notorious
Emperor Wang and his sex ray. Special effects abound in this cult classic adult
parody of Flash Gordon. "This is the smoothest animation I've seen anywhere."
-Bill Warren, CINEFANTASTIQUE. With JASON WILLIAMS, JOHN HOYT, nad
SUZANNE FIELDS.
FLASH GORDON - PURPLE DEATH FROM OUTER SPACE
(Ford Beebe, Ray Taylor, 1940) 8:40-MLB 3
Is this or is this not the great American epic in all its camp glory? See Sky
City! See Kala the Shark King! See Thum the Lion Man! See Vulcan! See Flash
overcome forgetfulness! See It All! With BUSTER CRABBE, JEAN ROGERS,
FRANK SHANNON and CHARLES MIDDLETON as Ming.
FACE TO FACE
(Ingmar Bergman, 1976), 7 & 9:30-MLB 4
LIV ULLMANN plays a psychiatrist who must deal with her own deterioration
as well as that of her family, marriage, and career. A deep, intense work from
the Swedish master. "Bergman is at his peak, this is one of his finest films.
Miss Ullman's portrait assures her status as one of the great actresses of our
day."-Judith Crist. GUNNAR BJORASTRAND, ERLAND JOSEPHON. In Swedish
with subtitles.
THE DEER HUNTER has been postponed. GET OUT YOUR HANDKERCHIEFS will
show both next Tueday and next Wednesday at Aud. A. Also showing next
Wednesday is Humphrey Bogart in CASABLANCA at the Michigan Theatre.

WEDNESDAY IS
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MICHIGRAS
THE EVENT BEGINS... SAT., FEB.9
UAC-Michigros would like to thank the following establish-
ments for their contributions to MICHIGRAS '80:

TONIGHT AT MIDNITE
THE AREA'S FAVORITE
CULT CLASSIC
Ruth Gordon
Bud Cort
Harold
Maude.
His Hangups Are Hilarious!
State -
NI'HT ATMIDNITE 662

TONIGHT AT MIDNITE
6b264
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