A quiet trek to Grand Haven:
Dewey's believe it or not

Editor's Note: This article is based
looselyon te adtre of severa
Darly 'porters abc spetl at swe
end in Grand Haven, on the shoires
or bae eNfib an. Most of the i"i-
=wtat mare absout el
By our. "Karma Squad"
'ESTORMED mto town ior a
night of fun and g1am1 and
dtbauchery - six Gonzo journal--
ists, assorted friends and acquain-
tances, all crammed into a two-
-year old Dodge Charger. We had
asked for the most powerful car
we could get, and the clerk behind
the car rental desk had winked at
us when she gave us the keys to
the Bronze Chariot. We had
known why when we looked un-
der the hood: exactly 67 miles
of two-inch tubing, compressed
into a space no larger than a bird
cage.
The result was terrifying, a tna-
chine with the manners of Attila
the Hun and the outright intimi-
dation of Dick the Bruiser poising
his knee directly above your
groin.
And suddenly there we were--
as every single street sign pro-
claimed-in Grand Haven, Mich.:
HOME OF THE WORLD'S LAR-
GEST M U S IC A L FOUNTAIN.
What the Hell?
Intrigued, baffled, bewildered
and stoned, we decided we would
be sadly remiss in our responsi-
bilities if we did not explore this
unusual spectacle.
We parked our Hot Wheels,
stepped out and were immediately
surrounded by hordes of tiny, tee-
ny - bopping kids who followed
us as' we walked to see THE
WORLD'S LARGEST MUSICAL
FOUNTAIN.
"Look," said one. "They have
long hair."
"I wonder if they're Hippees?"
asked another.
"They don't look like they ever

take a bath so they must. b' hip-
tets' answert'd another.
This tas tw , te could stand so
,- did a 1111 dtgree turn and
n"eached down into our Hand-
slitChed, red, white and blae
Italin boots with sixinch heels
and tpulled out identical hatd
cr ith'dt, push-buttoned ivory-han-
died Samoan swithblades
We pushed the button and out
snapped a ten inch, stainless steel,
razor sharp blade with the Lords
Prayer inscribed on it.
"Do you beli-ve in Jesus?" I
asked."
"Have you suffered for Jesus?"
asked Gene.
"Have you bled for Jesus?"
asked Chris. -
As we started striding towards
them we all cried in unison,
"Prepare to pay your dues".
SINNERS'" we screamed after
them as they ran away over peo-
ple, cars and eventually into the
Grand River, where they were
last seen giving a speedboat a
good race up the channel. Con-
sidering them effectively dealt
with, we proceeded to see THE
WORLD'S LARGEST MUSICAL
FOUNTAIN.
But where was it? From our
vantage point on the lawn, we
could see the Grand River, with
yachts chugging around in cir-
cles. On the other side was a rnas-
sive sand dune (Dewey Hill to the
locals), and on our right, a grand-
stand filled with sunburned tour-
ists from Grand Haven's asphalt-
covered excuse for a state park.
Isn't there supposed to be a mar-
ble basin with granite nymphs
and a bulgy King Nepture, or
something?
Then, It started. A multicolored
plume of water sprang up on the
side of Dewey Hill and a voice
boomed across the water.
"HELLO, I am the world's lar-
gest musical fountain," it said in
a tone reminiscent of HAL the

Edited and managed by students at the
University of Michigan
Editorials printed in The Michigan Doily express the individual
opinions of the author. This must be noted an all reprints.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 972 News Phone: 764-0552
NIGHT EDITOR: ROBERT BARKIN
EDITORIAL PAGE EDITOR: ROSE SUE BERSTEIN
PHOTO TECHNICIAN: DENNY GAINER

Letters: Flowers from John and Yoko
- R
Ta The laily:
'BANK YOU for your waindir-
ful gesture its 'he Michigeet
Daily (May 201. Lose. Peace.
Jahn L nnsnn
May 27
These flows w ere siant by Johnt
anad Yoko to Daily Co-Editor Ross' ,. , iFa..
Sue Her, s'han last seekenad. .77.

comtputer from 2001 and Firesig
Theater's Dr. Memory, "I have
bet oper'ting isar since 1982,
and I have fo' different pro-
a ms. To iht, in keeping with
ie day a adavyl I will present
a program entitle 'My Favorite
Hymns ."
Then, simultaneously, an or-
gan began "Nearer My God to
Thee " and the fountain came to
life. We immediately conjured vi-
sions of one hundred trpped-out
firemen with variable-pressure
hoses and an equal number of as-
sorted crazies with colored flood-
lights were being conducted by
Lawrence Welk in some sort of
drunken ballet
Plumes of water shot straight
up, at angles, in fans, in undulat-
ing sprays. Lurid red would domi-
nate, to be fought back by pristine
white, fading into gold, blue and
green. The Lord was winning, and
bestowing his gifts on the faith-
ful.
Some of us laughed, Some doz-
ed, and some floated away. This
was bizzare. But you could get
into it. First: screen out the
crowd of gasping gapers who
oooed and ahhed and clapped
after each number. Then ignore
the fat cats in the yachts. For-
get this crummy, bleached-out,
sand-covered, nasty town. Cut out
the blaring Muzak, and there you
were: Forests full of fantastic
creatures. Outer space battles,
with grotesque creatures and
comic disasters. Medieval tour-
neys and dragons and Things
from the sky. Warfare among the
neon signs on Sunset Strip. Ec-'
stasies of lust and riots of joy.
And, and ...
This just had to be Honk
America's most terrifying spec-.
tacle. Water gushes, lights flash
. . . and that music-booming out
across the harbor-1959 tapes of
the "Greatest Hits" of the How-
ard Johnson's symphony orches-
tra. Bland renditions of some of
the, religious hit parade's more
obscure entries.
ACCORDING to local legend,
this spouting, spurting colossus
was the brainchild of Grand Hav-
en's mayor/dentist William Cres-
son. On a family trip to Ger-
many, so we were told, the mayor
chanced to see what is now the
second largest musical fountain
in the world. With a keen eye for
spectacle and that uniquely
American zest for infusing com-
petition into nearly everything,
the mayor decided that Grand
Haven must have such a fountain
--not just another fountain but
the largest fountain.
"Creason's Folly" as the foun-
tain became known among the
town's more incurable cynics just
couldn't be up there gushing
away each night. if it weren't for
the contributions of the little peo-
ple. "Built totally by contribu-
tions" -- that's what the pamph-
lets say. But the people of the
town don't believe it. Nasty ru-
mors about "maintenance" money
being syphoned off the city bud-
get to keep the monster going are
persistent. The mayor, however
does not have to deal with these
problems for about five years back
he was challenged for the office
for the first time in his career and
lost to a graying insurance sales-
SO WHAT? We got hare too
late to fight such insanity, so why
not enjoy it? Careful. though.
That fat woman over there. Th
one with flesh oozing out of her
bermudas. I think she's going to
have an orgasm if she watches
much longer No. Don't look. It's
awful. I just wanted to warn you.
Yeah, this beefy Marine ser-
geant type is starting to drool and
sort of moan the hymns to him-
self. Don't look. You'll get sick.
Watch the fountain. The foun-
tain's the thing. Watch the foun-
tain.

The Editorial Page of The
Michigan Daily is open to any-
one who wishes to submit
articles. Generally speaking, all
articles should be less than
1,000 words.

-Daily-Denny Gainer