Page Ten

THE MICHIGAN DAILY

Friday, May 26, 1972

GENIS SAVES PAPER:

Athletic Department named

The Daily, continuing in the
fine muck-racking journalistic
tradition, has discovered a de-
finite plot on the part of the
Michigan Athletic Department
to ruthlessly manage the news.
In details painstakingly un-
earthed over a two-year period,
the Department was found to
have penetrated the inner most
sanctum of this campus, t h e
Sports Staff.
Realizing the full import of
the Daily disclosures to com-
mence today, Athletic Depart-
ment Director Donald Canham
threatened suit so that no words
of the plan will reach the public.

Daily sources were quoted as
saying that any attempt to
coerce the Daily towards any
position would be met with stern
action. "News management:"
the statement read, "is repug-
nant to the operation of a re-
sponsible journal in a free so-
ciety,
The Athletic Department plot-
ted to carry out this repugnant
deed through the silly persua-
sive abilities of tricky Bill Cu-
sumano, the Department's top
agent who uses the cover of
Assistant Sports Information
Director to cary out his mis-
sions. That title, of course. nev-

er fooled anyone here at 'he
Daily as Cusumano obviously
never put in 40 hours of real
work for the Athletic Dept. But
the Daily never suspected thI t
his efforts to become friendly
with people here at the Daily
was anything more than an at'
tempt to find .new drinking part-
ners.
The Daily began to suspect
something when Cusumano start-
ed coming in regularly to play
APBA baseball with members
of the staff. Now and then he
would discretely mention his
press releases. No one could be
doing this voluntarily. Sport
Noveck, Sports Editor, smelled a
rat and decided to assign HIS
top agent, 'Sweet Saudi" Gens,
to the case.
Gnis, anmattractivebruriet.
knowing a male chavinist when
she saw one, decided to use her
superb physical attributes to
entrap Cusumano. She know that
during a. moment of tender ex-
changes she could catch "Sicily
Bill' of guard and discover his
true mision. During a romantic
moment at a Michigan hockey
game, as Pierre LaPierre tried to
decapitate the opposing team's

goalie, Bill unwittingly reveal-
ed his real reason for being at
the Daily.
'Sandi. my yum-yum," he
said, "back at my apartmeit I
have the only cope of the Ath-
letic Department Papers", the
top secret original of which rests
in Don Canham's hands. If you
will only accompany me back
there, (Bill was wiling to put
up with any hardship to accom_-'
lish his task), I will allow you
to see them if you promise ot
to print them in that radical
rag, The Daily," hoping all te
while she would.
Once back at Cusumano's den,
Genis craftily photographed the
"Papers' while Cusumano w a
opening his 57th, 58th, and 59h
cans of beer. As he chugged
them all down, Genis quickly
put them into the back of her
purse and quietly snuck out th
door,
The next day, she reportedly
immediately to Sport Noveck.
"Yes, indeed", he said. "These
certainly are the infamous "Ath-
letic Dept. Papers", but wi'
can't print this now. The pubhlic
has been saturated with t he
"Pentagon Papers", the -"ITT

in plot
papers," the "Robben Fleming
Papers". Besides, Spring Break
is coming up, and nobody is in-
terested in controversy during
Spring Break. We'll just have
to save this story for the ap-
propriate time. But I want you
to keep on this case. If Cu-
sumano proposes, accept. Make
the wedding in Connecticut. If
we can get Cusumano to carry
the "Papers" across state lints
we can bring the FBI into this.
If nothing else, it'll create a
little excitement when 'e get
tired of watching the edit staff
make fools of themselves."
It soon became appaent,
meanwhile, that The Daily wormd
not be duped into printing the
driveling press releases coming
from the Sports Information De-
partment without a strong power
play by the Athletic Dept. Cu-
sumano was instructed to es-
calate to Phase III.
'Sandi," he said. "Will you
(choke) marry me?"
'Why, yes," she answered.
"Anything to get away f1,-oi
my roommates. Let's make it
May 27th, at 2 p.m., in New
Britain, Conn."
(To be continued)

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THIS LUXURIOUS pad was purchased with Athletic Department
money. It was to serve as the abode of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Cu-
sumano. The former was implicated in the Athletic Department
Papers as a scurrilous accomplice in news management.

g') IMIL

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i

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