v. ...

Ohio Stat
excreteloi
By MARK WHITNEY
PASADENA, Calif. - Viking III, the
third in a series of scientific
probes for life landed safely yesterday
on its earget-site and was reported by
engineers here at the Jet Propulsion
Laboratory to be in good working con-
dition.
Unlike its heralded predecessors,
which made history by exploring Mars,
Viking III landed in the area of Co-
lumbus, Ohio to begin a series of ex-
periments to determine if there is in-
telligent life at Ohio State.
The head of the project, Dr. Itchin
Butts, declined to tell reporters if any
clues had been found, but immediately
refuted rumors that the creature known
as the "Woody-Chuck" qualified as
intelligent life.
According to Dr. Butts, "The Woody-
Chuck - or as we refer to it, "Ha-
yesius Stupidus' - is a large animal
with a loud bark and a tiny, tiny brain.
We have observed that its minute cen-
ter of reasoning simply cannot pro-
vide rational thinking. This accounts
for its impulsive babbling, that few
pay any attention to, and its instinct
to lash out at creatures with a single,
large eye that seek to watch it."
DR. BUTTS CONTINUED, "The
Woody - others have classified it
'Mouthus Eupremus" incidentally -
has been observed to cultivate herds
Mark Whitney is a Daily Sports
staffer.

life forms discovered

to eat,

comote, playfootbal
of armored animals, armadillos possi- On the Woody's natural enemies,
bly, to lead battles against other herds. Butts responded, "We have observed
It seems to be part of an annual mi- that creatures from the area of East
gration to escape the cold winters of Lansing, Michigan have a bitter feud
its northen habitat (everyone knows with the Woody. It seems to stem from
the Woody' is used to hot water) and its some recent upheaval, possibly last
herd fights everything from gophers summer, in which the Woody-coused
and badgers, to fierce, marauding wol- these animals - known as 'Maddas
verines. The Woody is bent in making Hellus' - the downfall of their lead-
the trip to a warmer climate and will er.
stop at nothing to get there. "The Woodv and these creatures

-that' s all


"Victory apparently leads to an in-
crease in the Woody's stature among
its fellow creatures who, upon its re-
turn, do homage to it. This seems to
satisfy its ego, but usually leads to
the Wody being even more intent and
fearsome the following year."
However, Dr. Butts noted, the Woody
is not indestructable. "Last year, for
instance, the Woody's herd was for-
tunately beaten off by a itotally out-
gunned, but spirited band of bruins
just near here (Pasadena)," Butts
mentioned.
WHEN ASKED ABOUT the intelli-
gence of the Woody's herd, Dr. Butts
cried, "Are you kidding?! How could
a bunch of animals that blindly follow
something like the Woody be intelli-
cent?!! The Woody doesn't even fight!
He sits off to the side barking and
howling and tearings things up! It's the
herd that has to go in there and beat
their heads against other heads. As
far as we're concerned, the idea of any
intelligent life being connected as all
with the Woody is absurd."

traded barking and rude noises for a
time, but most observers'simpl ignored
these exchanges. After all, we know
from earlier probes that there is no
intelligent life in East Lansing, either."
DR. BUTTS SUMMED up the find-
ings so far. "We are not too terribly
discouraged by what we have found so
far. In other studies of this kind, we
have found that it is almost always the
unintelligent life forms that are first
apparent because of their loudness and
attention - getting actions.- The intelli-
gent species at first remain hidden,
leery of observers, but eventually be-
come fed up with creatures like the
Woody and put them in their place.
"If this happens, as we hope, we
would then be able to seriously con-
tinue our studies on the possibility of
intelligent life in college football."
Butts finally concluded, "We must
be patient and continue our search.
After all, we certainly can't allow all
of Ohio to be judged by one speci-
men.

I haven't had this much fun since my hernia operation!'

Eighty-Seven Years of Editorial Freedom
420 Maynard St., Ann Arbor, Ml 48109

Dr,. Straiigeha ye~s


Thursday, November 18, 1976

News Phone: 764-0552

Health

Service

Handbook

Edited and managed by students at the University of Michigan
MEANWHILE, SACK ORf4'ONALP REAGAN' RANN.,, ,


!

By SYLVIA HACKER
and NANCY PALCHIK
Question: I'm worried about
the side effects of the pill and
IUD and am thinking of getting
a diaphragm. Can you give me
some information on it includ-
ing -its effectiveness?
Answer: One should not nec-
essarily write off the pill and
IUD based on reports in the
news media alone. These meth-
ods arenot recommended for
certain people, it's true, but are
excellent for others. This deci-
sion should be based on an ex-
amination by a physician and
a consultation with himi'her on
your body's tolerance and po-
tential reaction. However, we
do think the diaphragm is an
excellent method and have al-
ways felt that more should be
taught about it. As of May,
1976, Planned Parenthood World

Population was reported as say-
ing: "After one year, only 2
per cent ofthe more than 2000
diaphragm users studied had
suffered an accidental preg-
nancy." This conclusion came
from a large clinical study of
the diaphragm by New York's
Margaret.Sanger Research Bu-
reau involving 2168 users. Ac-
cidental pregnancy rates were
lowest among women younger
than 18-1.9 per 100 users, and
among women aged 35 and old-
er -- no pregnancies.
The low pregnancy rate ob-
served indicates that the dia-
phragm should no longer be
gonsidered the old fashioned
birtn control method it - was
once thought to be. The main
reasons considered responsible
for the low, pregnancy rates re-
ported in this study are: de-

j. + * k

!1.

tailed teaching' by skilled in-
structors of how the method
should be used and supervision
of the client to insure her using
it right. Someday we would also
like to see male partners includ-
ed in the observation and nearn-
i~ng of the use of the diaphragm.
T H E I M P O R T A N T
POINT to be remembered about
the diaphragm is that its pri-
mary function is to hold sper-
micidal jelly in place against
the cervix. While it does pro-
vide some mechanical protec-
tion by itself, without the sper-
micide, it is not effective.
During intercourse, the move-,
ment of the body causes the
diaphragm to move and many
spunky sperm can swim over
the rim. With the spermicidal
jelly under, however, any sperm
which go beyond the barrier will
be killed. If you are anticipat-
ing sexual intercourse, you can
put the diaphragm in place
about 2 hours before and then
you must leave it in for 6 to
8 hours after. A new applicator
full of spermicide should be
inserted into the vagina with
each succeeding act of inter-
course without removing the
diaphragm (unless, of course,
the 6-8 hours have elapsed). If
you carry it with you and hap-
pen to get into a spontaneous
sexual encounter, you can take
a moment off to put it in (don't
look at it as an interruption but
rather as a prolongation of pas-

sion), or better still, have your,
sex partner put it in for you.
This can be very sexy once the
male realizes that the dia-
phragm can't get lost in some
mysterious bodily region and
that he can't make horrible
mistakes in the insertion. If the
diaphragm fits right, it will
generally pop into place. You
can teach him how to check
its position, and as a matter
of fact, if males learned about
this method as well as other fe-
male contraceptive methods,
they could become both helpful
and sensual participants in birth
control use.
Question: My boy friend, age
24, has one undescended tes-
ticle. Since this condition was
never correctednwhen he was
a child, he is now considering
surgery. If the undescended
testicle is not removed, is there
any chance that it would be-
come cancerous? Also, is it
possible to get some kind 9f ar-
tificial testicle implanted in the
scrotum for appearance sake?
Answer: This *question has
been handled delightfully in a
column by Dr. Arnold Werner
of Michigan State University.
His answer follows:
The testes develop, in the ab-
dominal cavity and then de-
scend into the scrotal sac be-
fore birth. A surprising num-
ber of adult men have unde-
scended testicles. At times this
is because they have not re-
ceived regular medical atten-

tion in childhood and at other
times because the undescended
testicle was just never noticed.
if the testicle is not brought
down before adolescence it is
permanently damaged and loses
its capacity to produce sperm.
In addition, there is a higher
incidence of cancer in such un-
descended testicles. The pre-
ferred time of operation is in
childhood when a testicle can be
brought into place rather easily
and normal function restored.
In ad-lthood, it is often sim-
ner to remove the testicle since
it serves no useful purpose.
One testicle is enough for hor-
rople production as well as for
snerm production. Sometimes
for cosmetic reasons, the adult
testicle will be .brought down
into the scrotal- sac. At other
times, an artificial testicle will
he planted in the scrotum.
A JOKE MAKING the rounds
invohies a man who had a small
onion imlanted in his scrotal
- to replace a missing tes-
ti(-e. The appearance was fine,
hbt he had a burning sensation
when he urinated, his eyes tear-
ed when he ejaculated and he
got an erection every time he
passed a McDonald's.
Letters should be typed
and limited to .400 words.
The Daily reserves the
right to edit letters for
length and grammar.


rODAY'S STAFF:
Jews: Tim Schick, Margaret Yao, Jeff
Ristine, Anne Marie Lipinski, Pau-
line Toole, Bill Yaroch, Lisa Fisher,
Janet.Klein

Editorial Page:
Stevens

Rob Meac ium, Tom

Arts Page: Lois Josimovich
Photo Technician: Pauline Lubens

I"66 ALL IN HEREI '

Letters to
geo editorial
To The Daily:
YOU ARE ENTITLED to
agree or disagree as you see
fit with any issue, and you are
entitled to express your opinion
in fair and democratic terms,
just as members of GEO ex-
pressed their opinion by vote.
I stress the terms fair and
democratic; thus I must object
to the following phrase in your
commentary: "The cowardly
profile cast on GEO by the faith-
less members who submitted
the dissenting votes will force
bargainers to grit their teeth
and bow to the university." In
your choice of adjectives cow-
ardly and faithless I see noth-
ing short of mudslinging. By
allowing the above-quoted sen-
tence to be printed in such
form, you have deviated from
true professional journalism.
I realize that this concerns
an editorial opinion rather than
a news story; even so, I ob-
ject to such massive name-call-
ing that was seen by the major-
ity of the university community..
A rejection of the strike need
not imply that GEO members
are cowardly and faithless. Gen-
eral concensus among my stu-
dents and fellow union mem-
bers with "whom I talked was
anti-strike. Reasons for reject-
ing the strike ran the gamut
from opposition on the part of
undergraduate students in our
sections to personal reasons for
not supporting all of the de-
mands put forth in the proposed
contract. You are not obligated
to agree with the rejection of
the strike; you are however ob-
ligated to consider the defense
of your adversaries before hav-
ing them face the firing squad
of your unfavorable comments.
I suggest that in the future
you choose words with more
care, if you wish to avoid of-"
fending a large number of peo-
ple and alienating sensitive and
intelligent readers whom you
might otherwise persuade. Such

the Daily
sponse of GSA's to the strike
referendum. They seem to posit
most of the responsibility for
the defeated referendum on the
rank and file GSA, but I'm not
sure I agree.
It may indeed be true that
GSA's are no longer willing to
fight for the rights of women
and minorities, or for the quali-
ty of undergraduate education.
H-owever, I'm not sure the re-
sounding defeat of the strike'
referendum was an' affirmation
of apathy on the part of GSA's,
or a vote of no confidence in
the GEO leadership.
As a new graduate student on
the U-M campus I have no
sense of the GEO traditions.
Yet as a new GSA I can atest
to the poor organizationlatef-
forts of GEO. When was there
a single conserted effort on
the part of GEO to rally GSA's?
Issues were simply not made
clear, nor were they ever ef-
fectively disseminated to the
rank and file. There is no doubt
that GSA's could have, if they
were so inclined, sought out
GEO leadership and askedi. But
expecting the rank and file to
throng to. the GEO office (is
there a GEO office?) and plunk
down their money, sign the ros-
ter and join forces is totally
unrealistic. It is incumbant on
the GEO leadership to provide
some momentum. This did not
occur. The, leadership might
have questioned what kind of
"heat" lay behind a meeting
where only 300 GSA's bothered
to forgo an evening of study,
TV and/or beer,
Ades and Parsigian are ab-
solutely correct in referring to
GEO activists as deluded. A
successful strike requires a high
level of organization. In this
case there was no organiza-
tion. GEO castrated itself by
assuming support that wasn't
there. If there is any hope that
the union can or will survive the
slick university administration
it rests with effective, commit-
ted, energetic, savy and thor-

THE PURPOSE OF THIS column is to give out
information concerning obesity and weight
control. We will offer practical ways, means,
methods, and schemes for losing weight until
you reach your desired goal, and for maintaining
your weight. While offering information from cur-
rent clinical practice and scientific research on
the most effective methods of weight, control, we
invite readers' questions on the subject which
will be answered in this column.
The column's two authors are a psychology
grad student - one of whose specialties is weight
control - and an overgrad student whose weight
problems developed here at the University. To-
gether we hope to offer a helpful reference-type
handbook for good nutrition and weight control
with, a little humor on the side.-
The humor will include "Tales from the Fat
Farm," actual experiences from running a
weight reduction camp this past summer. Yes,
losing weight can be fun. You, too, can laugh
your way to a size nine! More seriously, no more
than 10 per cent of obese American are abese
due to some medical problem (eg. glandular
malfunction). If you are among the other 90 per
cent, we may be able to help you. Our sugges-
tions can best be appreciated if you know about
the value system from which they emerge. These
values include a belief in a balanced diet before,
during and after a weight loss ffort, a belief in
burning up more calories as well as eating fewer
calories and an emphasis on the develooment of
greater self-control to facilitate weight less.
Another value that comes into play when the

can I lose the pounds where they need to be
taken off?
Answer: Distribution of fat cells is hereditary.
If a particular area of your body does not re-
spond to dieting, then this whole hereditary thing
may be the reason you cannot control just
where on your body weight will be lost. Certain
exercises can help firm up muscles in different
areas, but this is about the only control over
your contours that you have.
Question: Is it true that the' metabolism rules
your weight gain/loss?
Answer: No. 'All else being equal, a person
with a higher metabolic rate may, lose weight
more quickly than one with a lower m tabolic
rate. Afactor that is as important, if not more-
so, is a person's level of activity. The more ac-
tive one is, the more one can eat and not gain
weight, or, if one is dieting, the more rapidly
one will lose weight.
Question: t am a crunchy munchie junkie.
What are some low caleorie/high protein (or
whatever) munchies I can eat when my crun-
chy jones hits?
Answer: Texture is an important quality of
foods as, of course, is taste. Think what it would
be like if different foods had the same tastes
that they now have, but all had the texture of
jello. Some of our favorite crunchy foods, like
nuts, potato chips, granola, etc. are rather high
in salories. There are some less calorie-laden
alternatives which are crisp and crunchy. These
include celery, raw carrots, crisp lettuce, un-
buttered popcorn (yes, popcorn UNBUTTERED)

gte' Forum
by FLASH and THE TOASTED MARSHMALLOW