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September 24, 1977 - Image 4

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Publication:
Michigan Daily, 1977-09-24

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eptember 24, 1977-The Michigan Doily

AES ONLY: Inside

Project UFO-BOY

By BRUCE CHEW
In one of the small rooms they don't show you
3n the CIA tour, there sits a small, olive drab
iling cabinet that contains the top secret plans
or Project UFO-BOY, the agency's defense
strategy for the event of a Martian landing.
I<t>
-~ -,

The alternatives may be summarized in
three basic groups:
" The first possibility, and the one most
widely anticipated by the American populace,
is that the Martian Grand Armada will seize
control of Earth by conquest. To be honest, the
CIA doesn't put much stake in this theory; to
start with, who would want the planet Earth?
There's too much crime, too little food, the air's
polluted, the water's no good. (In fact, one fac-
tion within the agency argued that if the Mar-
tians want it, let them have it.) Clearly, anyone
with good judgment would pick Jupiter. But the
agency limited its plan to our own defense.
The Martians could attack with military for-
ce, but this would be a waste of time and
money. It would be much easier simply to land
in California and gain control of the economy
by charging exorbitant fees to appear on talk
shows and writing the best-selling "Sex and the
Single Drizlx." The CIA is prepared for such an
eventuality. If all else fails, the agency plans to
have the Martians deported as illegal aliens.
* The second possible reason cited for a
Martian landing is scientific research. CIA sta-
tistical data shows a 60 Der cent likelihood of
the Martian "Terran Landing Module" settling
to Earth in a parking lot or on a freeway, and a
20 per cent likelihood of landing on the roof of a
McDonald's. They'll lumber out of their craft,
say something like "That's one small step for
Driz .. .", and takea few geological samples.
Then, after whacking around a few golf balls,
they'll return to Mars.
A hero's welcome will await them at home,

but after a while Joe Martian is likely to look
around and say (or beam telepathically), "Six
pounds of asphalt, two Coors cans and a Chevy
hubcap? For this we spent 12 billion zyrklons?"
'
The CIA believes such public opposition will
forestall further Martian expeditions.
There is a final possibility detailed in the
report. It is a concept which would strike fear

into the CIA's heart, if it had one - a chilling
idea which stymies the agency's most seasoned
tacticians. Suppose the Martians come as
tourists: thousands of small green aliens
dressed in Hawaiian luau shirts and festooned
with three-dimensional cameras; hundreds of
them jamming Disneyland, mistaking Goofey
for their cousin from the Northern Canals;
crowding the windows of the World Trade Cen-
ter's observation deck ("They look just like
kleegs down there, don't they?"); buying salt
and pepper shakers shaped like skunks and
small Statues of Liberty made in Korea.
A multi-million dollar business would ap-
pear, manufacturing bumper stickers able to
withstand the heat of atmospheric re-entry.
Lucille Ball's house would be mobbed - Mars
has been picking up I Love Lucy for years.
Wherever you go, Martians would ask you to
take their picture in front of such attractions at
Holiday Inn signs, whose beauty and aesthetics
would appeal to the Martian eye, or its equivi-
lent.
Americans would stop traveling because
trailer parks would be filled with flying sau-
cers. They'd stop watching TV because all the
channels would be carrying only I Love Lucy
reruns. People would quit their jobs and move
to the country to avoid the mobs of Martians
hanging out in the city, frequenting dis-
cotheques and all-night restaurants. Families
would grow their own food,-shunning the super-
markets packed with Martians squeezing Char-
min' and comparing Jiff to Skippy.
In short, things would revert to the way they

were a hundred years ago, before we needed
spies. And that possibility terrifies the CIA.
* * *
I won't go into the heart-breaking tale of bit-
ter disillusionment and tragedy that led the
"
I *
agency official to turn his back on his heinous
organization and divulge to me the secrets of
Project UFO-BOY. Suffice it to say that I did
return his daughter as promised.
"
Bruce Chew is an LSA senior and is con,
sidered dangerous.

/

A top-ranking CIA official, driven by con-
ience, put a copy of the plans in my hands.
ey cover a wide range of options, including
ving the Martians poisoned cigars, of which
e agency seems to have a surplus.

Eight
Vol. LXXXVIII, No 15

itr igttn

1 aug

y-Eight Years of Editorial Freedom
420 Maynard St., Ann Arbor, MI 48109

Why do Ijind that stupid
sculpture so fascinating?
By CHUCK ANESI_________________

News Phone: 764-0552

Edited and managed by students at the University of Michigan
r

Romny Y
T HERE WAS A TIME when George
Romney was THE star of the Re-
publican party in Michigan, and cer-
tainly a bright star in the national Re-
publican constellation.
For several months in 1967, he was
considered an excellent bet for the par-
ty's presidential nomination.
Then Romney was pushed out of the
race by a storm of ridicule concerning
his off-hand assertion that he had been
"brain-washed" by American military
officials on the Vietnam war. The ridi-
cule was grossly unfair; Romney was
smart enough to see that the whole
country was being brainwashed, and
pointed it out.
But let's hold on. Yes, Romney was
the victim of one of the most tragic
smears in recent American history.
Despite a stint as HUD secretary
under Nixon, the affair cut short a dis-
tinguished political career. But we pan'
Only react with astonishment to the
rumors that Romney is an inside
favorite for the 1978 GOP Senate nom-
ination.
The Michigan Republican dynasty
of Romney, Bob Griffin, and William
Milliken is in trouble for '78. Milliken

4

u 'e kidding
himself is probably at his political
zenith. He could almost certainly
retain the governorship or win the Sen-
ate nomination. He is even being con-
sidered as a presidential possibility.
But Griffin is going home to Traverse
City, and Milliken may be unwilling to
leave Lansing.
And George Romney, friends, is
seventy years' old. As president of
American Motors, he was a boy won-
der. As a moderate Republican gover-
nor, he was successful. But Romney's
politics have become a dubious blend
of evangelism and Rockefeller liberal-
ism that seems anachronistic in 1977.
Hasn't the Milliken wing, politically
powerful for fifteen turbulent years,
got someone else?

"Now, what the hell is that?"
I said to Mike, as we drove by
what appeared to be a junk heap
on the lawn of Alumni Hall, the
University's art museum.
"That," he said, "is the mu-
seum's new sculpture."
THERE'S MY first editorial, I
thought: "Maniacal degenerate
artist foists scrapheap on Uni-
versity softhead perverts." It
was really too late to write any-
thingrthat nightbut before I went
to bed I had most of the piece on
mental file.
Of course it had been too dark
to get a good look at the thing
when we'd driven by on Monday
night, .and by the time I finally
got around to going to the Mu-
seum, intending to bait the poor
fools who had been responsible
for purchasing the "art," it was
Saturday. The miscreants were
on hand, but they were in a
meeting. So I sat down on the
museum's steps to wait.
I glared at the thing malicious-
ly, thinking of hacksaws and
acetylene torches. "Waste of
taconite," I thought.
AND THEN, to my utter dis-
may, I realized that I couldn't
take my eyes off it. In fact, it
seemed limitlessly fascinating.
And finally I had to admit it: I
liked it.,
That's really unusual, because
- let's face it - most 20th cen-
tury sculpture really does belong
in the scrapyard. But the steel in
this "Daedalus" thing - worked
by Charles Ginneyer, a New York
artist who specializes in such
stuff - really deserves to be on
the lawn of the art museum in-
stead of in an automobile bump-
er.
Well, what's the attraction? It
looks best from the museum
steps, in long afternoon light, on a
clear day, when its perpetually
ascending lines can dissolve into
the atmosphere. The atmo-
sphere, of course, is part of the
sculpture, too. The air and space
it holds is enormous.'These effec-
ts combine with the rust brown

TODAY'S STAFF:
NEWS: Richard Berke, Lois Josimo-
vich, Stu McConnell, Mike Norton
EDITORIAL: Jim Robb, Jim Tobin
SPORTS: Paul Campbell,
Ernie Dunbar
Photo Technician: John Knox

I

j-D THE MILWAUKEE JOURNAL
FI1ST fIELD NEWSPAPER SYNDICATE, 1977

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MAGI1VCi4NIQUE COULD
05E 5SOME POL16ISII'.

Letters to

The Daily

patina of the unprotected steel -
brown, the color of old, venerable
and historic things, giving the
work a sort of timeless serenity.
DAEDALUS expresses flight
\and ascension. But there's more
to it than that, and the way to un-
derstand it is to examine the Dai-
dalus legend.
Daedalus, of course, was the
Greek architect and sculptor who
built the labyrinth for King Minos
of Crete. Falling into Minos's dis-
favor, he fashioned wings for
himself and his son, and escaped
to Sicily.
So there is the flight symbol-
ism of Daedalus, so aptly ex-
pressed in Ginnever's sculpture.
But Daedalus did more than

make wings. He made the bronze
statue that repelled the
Argonauts. And most important,
he made a host of other statues -
statues that acted like Bronze
Age robots, and did all men's
work for them.
So, Daedalus is a symbol both
of flight and technology, a sort of
fusing of the two. If you look
closely at Ginnever's sculpture,
you can see that it doesn't ex-
press the flight of a bird. It ex-
presses the flight of a machine.
THERE IS A desperate beauty
in technology. You can see it
when you drive by the refineries
in Sarnia, Ontario at night, and
see the house-high flames leaping
from the tops of the distillation
towers, throwing their red glow

on the St. Mary's River, Or as
well in the fields of towers, trans-
formers, and maze of wires out-
side the hydroelectric plants at
Niagara. Few artists are worthy
to express the genius of our mod-
ern apprentices to Daedalus. But
Ginnever is an exception.
So, to persons who admire the
spirit of Daedalus, Ginnever's
statue is inspiring. To those who
fear the desperate beauty of our
technology, it is not. And this is
why so many students dislike it.
It will be uncomfortable to many,
to all those who are not at peace
with the statues of Daedalus.
0
Chuck Anesi is a frequent
contributor to the editorial
page.

hammer
To The Daily:
As a former senior editor of the Daily,
I have often defended the newspaper's repu-
tation against attacks of editorial incom-
petence. It used to be a task I could address
myself to based on a firm conviction that the
newspaper is among the best put out by
college students. But both my case for the
Daily's editorial excellent and my own

Citing examples, I assert that use of the
word "relentless" with reference to the run-
ning game is insultingly obvious. And why do
football teams always "roll up" yardage?
Similarly, why were Michigan's defenders
characterized as "swarming?" Isn't there a
set of fresher exprespions? I could go on and
on, but you get the point. The story contains
superflous banalities.
THE PITHIEST DISPATCH of stupid

the same paragraph.
"Even a sport's editor, for instance, might
notice something wrong with a lead that said,
"The precision jackhammer attack on the
Miami Dolphins stomped the balls off the
Washington Redskins today by stomping and:
hammering with one precise jack-thrust after
another up the middle, mixed with pinpoint
precision passes into the flat and numerous
hammer-jack stomps around both ends."
T thAik Thmm~cn nvrtatdthe case

'7W A/lK'

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