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VOL. LXXXIX, No. 145 Ann Arbor, Michigan-Sunday, April 1, 1979 Non-Cents One Page
Regents storm MSAmeeting

Regent
reveals
'U' pres
candidates
By ARTHUR FIEDLER
Regent Robert Nederlander (D-
Administration Building), infuriated by
prolonged silence about the University's
search for a permanent president,
yesterday released the list of can-
didates being considered for the
University's highest office.
Nederlander said the final seven can-
didates are: Woody Hayes, ex-football
coach at Ohio State University; ex-
South African Prime Minister John
Vorster; Gerald Ford's wife; Hunter
Thompson, doctor of gonzo journalism;
capitol hill aide Joanie Caucus; ex-Vice
President Nelson Rockefeller; and.
Robbin Fleming, head of Corporation
for Public Broadcasting in Washington,
D.C.
"HAYES AND Vorster would have to
be considered the front runners,"
Nederlander said. "They could bring
that certain something we need to the
University."
No student, regent, faculty member,
or alumnus associated with the process
would confirm or deny Nederlander's
list of candidates, but Regent Deane
Baker (R-Tehran) did say "we have
ways of dealing with traitors like
Nederlander." Baker declined to
elaborate.
A random phone survey of University
students showed candidates Thompson
and Caucus neck and neck as favorites,
with Woody Hayes running a distant
second. The dark horse in the race, ac-
cording to the survey results, was CPB
head Fleming.
"Fleming," said one student, "Yeah,
I think I've heard of him. But what on
earth would a game show host know
about running a University?"

Say students should
pick next president

By ARI GENT
The University Regents, gathering
over thirty businessmen and lawyers
for vocal support, yesterday forced
Michigan Student Assembly (MSA)
members to adjourn their meeting on
the third floor of the Union. The group,
shouting slogans and carrying signs,
were demanding that MSA accept the
Board's offer to make the final selec-
tion of the next University president.
"This was a real victory for us," said
Deane Baker (R-Ann Arbor). "We feel
it is the students' obligation to make
this choice, and we're not going to let
them carry an any business until they
acknowledge their responsibility."
DURING ONE OF the brief moments
of silence during the meeting, MSA
Vice-President Kate Rubin chided the
Regents for their action.
"You are blatantly violating a trust
between us by disrupting our meeting,"
Rubin said. "You can bet your life,
though, that we won't choose the next
president. That's your job."

As Rubin tried to continue, however,
she was interrupted by the group's
cheers of "We want MSA to par-ti-ci
pate today," led, by Regent Thomas
Roach (D-Grosse Pointe).
THE REGENTS voted by a
unanimous margin last October to
allow MSA to make the final decision as
to who would be the University's next
chief. "As we realize the right of the
students on this campus to run they
University, we wish to grant final
authority to select the next president to
MSA, the representative body of
students," stated the resolution in-
troduced by Robert Nederlander (D--
Birmingham).
The MSA resolution, formulated after
the Regents' October meeting and reaf-
firmed last night, states in part: "MSA
wishes to comply with its general
and hereby insists that the Regents
should have total control over the
presidential selection process:"

Daily Photo by ANDY FREEBERG
REGENT DEANE BAKER explains to a confused Michigan Student Assembly why the Regents and their supporters
have taken over the MSA meeting. Assembly member on the left cannot believe this is happening, and moments after
this picture was taken, threw Baker to the floor and pummeledhim.
117, A 4" T TY rrr7 QF7-IC iTT)A 01"TTJIIFV7\T''.-

English department

FAC UL 1Y SIrZES3 UP AR7UIM1T:
e turns to Ps and Qs
By I. CANTRITE slant, and move on to loops

and curls,"

By HALF WITT
Expressing a desire to bare all, the
Faculty Senate Assembly voted 40-2
yesterday to disclose all faculty under-
wear sizes, and urged administrators to
follow suit. The vote, which was preced-
ed by four hours of chafing debate, has
been called both "binding" and
"liberating" by Assembly members.
Political Science Assistant Professor
Givme Tenure commented, "I'm glad
to see this vote. I and others really want
to know who wears the underpants in
the University family."

MANY PROFESSORS believe that
underwear disclosure will help
alleviate alleged incongruities within
the University and between departmen-
ts. Last year it was revealed that
professors in the German department
were wearing significantly smaller un-
derwear sizes than professors in other
LSA departments.
One of the two dissenting Assembly
members in yesterday's vote (who
wished to remain anonymous) said "I
believe there are too many variables to
insure an accurate disclosure. First of
all, does this vote mean that underwear
worn outside of the University must be
revealed?"
She also mentioned that some

medical school professors wear only
Fruit of the Loom underwear, but are
permitted to wear Hanes or Sears
during their off-hours. Such
arrangements are often created to keep
good professors here and discourage
them from going into private practice.
It has been rumored that University
administrators have much better un-
derwear than faculty members; one
English professor alleges that- she has
actually seen a vice-president with
powder blue jockey shorts. Assembly
members hope that the disclosure vote
will eliminate such inconsistencies.
Assembly chairman George Bernard
Liverwurst, who reportedly wears
See BUNS, Page 53

Dr. Richard Fader, founder of the
English Composition Board, announced
yesterday that his department, which
was created to insure that graduating
students could write well, is shifting its
emphasis from composition to penman-
ship.
"The exam books we received from
the incoming freshman class this sum-
mer were practically illegible," lamen-
ted Fader. "The English was swell, but
when we can't tell an 'n' from and 'm',
there's a deep problem."
Fader, speaking at a meeting of
Gothic printers, outlined a system for
evaluating the script of incoming
students and placing those with par-
ticular difficulties in special sections of
English 125. "We'll start with uniform

he said. "By the end of 'the term we
hope to have moved them into true
calligraphy."
Students with exceptionally good
penmanship will be advanced to
English 225, Fader explained. "In that
course we give the students No. 2 pen-
cils and regular, college-ruled paper,"
he added.
There may even be a chance to major
in penmanship, the -department head
said. "The University's LSA depar-
tment is dedicated to legibility, style,
and artistry," he told the yawning prin-
ters.
Pre-medical students would be
exempt from the, testing procedure, he
said.
See CHICKEN SCRATCHES, Page 4H

Mayor 's race may
end in dead heat,


Diggs would rather switch than fight

By SID E. HAUL
Final returns for last week's Mayoral
election showed Democrat James
Kenworthy still holding axone vote lead
over incumbent Republican Louis
Belcher, but the validity of the entire
election was thrown into doubt when it
was learned yesterday that 20 per-
sons-all of whom are deceased-voted
illegally in the election.
The 20, all of whom are refusing to
reveal who they voted for, may force
Judge Gene Schnopps to void the elec-
tion and call for a new one, according to
unidentified sources.
"MY PEOPLE didn't have anything
to do with those illegal votes," declared
Kenworthy. He said his strategists had
advised him to write off the cadaver-
vote because of their tendency to stay
home from the polls on election day..
Sunday
Actually, this is all there is to
today's Miss-Again Daily, so there's
really no use for this silly little box.
In case you haven't figured it out
yet, this is our April Fool's edition.
All stories contained herein are
solely for the amusement of our
readers, and offense to any person,
mentioned or unmentioned is unin-
tentional.

A new recount revealed that twenty
deceased persons had been improperly
registered as Ann Arbor voters, whil%
they were in fact buried in the town-
ships. An emergency session of circuit
court was called, and Judge Schnopps
ordered the dead dragged into court.
The Judge then asked each of the
dead persons how they voted, in an ef-
fort to determine whether the twenty
may have swung the one-vote election
to Kenworthy.
DECEASED PERSONS traditionally
vote Democratic.
When the dead persons remained
silent, the Judge found them all in con-
tempt and ordered them bound over for-
arraignment. But the State Court of
Appeals, meeting in emergency session
in the early hours of the morning, over-
turned the contempt order and ruled
that "The right to a secret ballot must
be upheld, even for the dead."
In a press conferencescheduled for 9
a.m., Judge Schnopps is expected to
declare the election void, and to call for
a new election next week. Both Belcher
and Kenworthy have already resumed
campaigning, with Belcher seen can-
vassing the cemeteries before
daybreak. ,
In a late development, the twenty
deceased persons were all released and
Judge Schnopps ordered the contempt
charges against them dropped. The
dead were grateful.

By A. POLITICAL
Congressman Charles Diggs yester-
day announced that he was switching to'
the Republican Party, and that he
would seek the 1980 presidential
nomination as a Republican.
Diggs said his 29-count conviction on
fraud charges last year made him

"more viable" as a Republican
presidential aspirant, and he cited the
Republican party's penchant for elec-
ting crooks as working in his favor.-
Diggs' presidential bid takes him out
of the running for his Detroit
congressional seat, and immediately
local politicos began campaigning to be

his successor.
Convicted State Rep. Monty Geralds,
disbarred Detroit Judge James Del
Rio, and convicted perjurer Gov. John
Swainson are seen as the front-runners
for the Diggs seat. Also taking out
petitions to run were: John Gacey,
Michael Bilandic, L. Brooks Patterson,
and Phil Power.
POWER HAS ALREADY budgeted
close to $9.8 billion for the primary.
Meanwhile, national political circles
were thrown into a turmoil by the Diggs
announcement. George Wallace,
fearing the entry of Diggs will cut into

his black support, announced that he
will run on a ticket with Coretta Scott
King. John Connaly, fearing Diggs will
make inroads into his support among
felons, announced that Richard Nixon
will make campaign appearances in his
behalf.
But in an unrelated development
bound to have repercussions
throughout national politics, the Johan-
nesberg Sunday Times reported last
week that Diggs is really white, and
that he is operating as a spy for the
South African government.
Diggs denied charges he is white.

Cookies crumble as
dorm locks doors


By MARY A. LAWYER
The board of governors at Martha
Cook residence hall has placed the all-
female population of the dorm under 24
hour house arrest in response to a
petition which requested that there be
no curfew.
"This should show the uppity little
tarts," remarked a spokesperson who
refused to be named. "Now they don't
have to be in at any special time,
because they're already in." As of
yesterday the women are not allowed to
leave the locked and chained doors of
their building except in the case of a
death in the family or a Big Mac attack.
An "alarming" increase in the in-
cidence of late-night giggling over
"sexual matters" prompted the gover-

ning body to act, the spokesperson con-
tinued. "The girls can get phone calls
from other classmates telling them
what is happening during the school
day, but these calls " will be closely
monitored. Final exams will be 'ad-
ministered by a team of volunteers
from the League of Women Voters,"
she added.
None of the sequestered "Cookies"
could be reached for comment, but
several well-dressed law students from
the Lawyer's Pub across the street
said, "They asked for it. Everyone
knows they are in that building so we
can have lots of prospective dates. Wh-
en they quit going out with other guys
on campus, then we'll have our daddies
See VIRGIN VAULT, Page 16


MONEY NO ISSUE SAY STRIKERS:
Candy machines call ft quits

By CANDY BARR
Citing abuse by students as their
reason, over 150 campus vending

fee, soda, milk, ice cream, and cigaret-
te machines voted overwhelmingly
yesterday to walk out. To show
7 ,. ~ , s. - a,

strikers, according to local machinec
president Em Tee. "We're not out fort
money-we've got plenty of that," thec
machine 'sid

an easy issue to swallow. We will have
to wait and see how the community
digests their actions."
n~n~ran AlanCmthww

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