Michigan

The Michigan Daily-Sunday, April 1, 1979-Page9
Rose Bowl champs! White's touchdown

nullified in landmark Supreme Court decision

WASHINGTON (AP) - The
Michigan Wolverines, victim-
ized by referee Gilbert March-
man in the 1979 Rose Bowl,
were today awarded the victory
in the contest by the U.S.
Supreme Court, which called
Marchman's touchdown ruling
on Charles White's touchdown
play "a bad call."
The landmark decision gave
Michigan coach Bo Schem.
' See ME FEEL ME, page 18
Coming in
tomorrow 's

Bodnar-Smith clone will solve
Wolverines guard problems

Daily Sports

* 0 0

" Former Detroit Tiger pitcher Mark
Fidrych discusses his decision to give
up baseball and join the womens' pro
golf tour.
* Michigan athletic director Don
Canham reveals plans to hold a lottery
for womens' gymnastic tickets for next
season.
s Red Wing goaltender Rogie Vachon
replies to rumors which insist he lost
his sight during the summer of 1978.
« Ex-Michigan quarterback Rick
Leach announces his intention of ap-
pearing on an upcoming episode of
Chuck Baris' Gong Show.
« The Daily Sports staff apologizes
for offending numerous Catholics and
Tracy Austin fans, as well as retracts
any libelous statements made pdrely in
jest on today's April Fools sports page.

By ONE GETONE FREE
The Michigan cagers have repor-
tedly solved their starting guard
problems with the help of medical
technology.
The Wolverines, troubled
throughout the season with the ab-
sence of an all-around guard, have
allegedly cloned two of their
players, hoping to combine the best
qualities of each.
"Our biggest problem this year
was the lack of a do-it-all guard,"
drawled Michigan Coach Johnny
Orr, speaking in the waiting room at
U-M Hospital, where the cloning
took place. "You know, before this
yer we always had great all-around
guards.. . Joe Johnson, great
playuh ... Rickey Green, great
playuh ... Davey Baxter, oh my,
great playuh. This yer tho', we had a
few problems, you know ... we kep'
serchin', but we never could find the
right guard."
Thus with the help of some new
medical discoveries, the Michigan
mentor hauled four of his players in-
to the hospital room last Friday, in-
tending originally to try to make a
clone from all four players.
"But dat vas just too impossible,"
declared Dr. Friederstein, who was
running the Michigan basketball
operation. "Ve found dat ve could

only clone two of das players at vun
time."
Orr refused to reveal the names of
the four players involved, but sour-
ces close to Orr were less tight-
lipped. "The four players are Marty
Bodnar, Johnny Johnson, Mark
Lozier, and Keith Smith," yelled
Mrs. Orr from her mid-court Blue
seats across town in Crisler Arena.

The operation was a real
marathon, lasting 44 hours before
the right combination was finally
arrived at.
The Wolverines first tried to com-
bine the talents of Johnson and
Smith. The result was a slick-
shooting bad mo' fo' with excellent
ball-handling ability and incredible
quickness. However, the clone had
academic trouble and couldn't make
up its mind whether or not to tran-
sfer.
The next unsuccessful attempt
was a Bodnar-Lozier combination.
The coaches liked this product, as it
was a hard-working gutty player
with an accurate outside shot.
a owever, the clone worked up such
a sweat that it kept slipping in its
own perspiration puddles.
When Lozier was paired up with
Johnson, the clone became disen-
chantedwith its playing time and
spent most of its time sulking.
The Wolverines finally landed on
the right combination with the
cloning of Bodnar and Smith. "We
were really pleased," Orr said.
"Now we've got a player who can do
it all: It's a superb ball-handler, an
excellent penetrator and a deadly'
outside shooter. Plus, the clone is
See CLONES, page 17

Magic Man Wounded
Michigan State superstar Earvin Magic Johnson grimaces in anguish as he i
stabbed by escaped convict James Earl Ray, posing as Spartan guard Terry
Donnelly. Ray reportedly gained admission to Jenison fieldhouse by telling .
guard he was a scout from USC. Ray stole Donnelly's jersey and knifed the 68
sophomore in the back while feigning a victorious embrace. Johnson is listed Ia
satisfactory condition at Lansing General Hospital.

Science triumphs

i


YOMAMA TURNS DOWN OSU, PURDUE
Blue cagers sign top center prospect

By FFOEG MOCRAL
Johnny Orr slammed the phone down
on the receiver, letting out a happy
whoop. He slapped assistant coach Bill
Frieder's outstretched hand and
flashed a sunlamp grin.
"Well boys, we finally did it," Orr
told the battery of reporters clustered
in his office yesterday. "We just signed
the big man that's gonna turn our
program around next year."
Orr had reason to be happy. He had
just finalized the signing of the galaxy's
most sought-after recruit, Chewbacca
Yomama, the star performer for the
Quantum Five, champions of Parsec
Four in the brutal Asteroid division.
THE SIGNING marked the happy
end of Orr's year-long pursuit of
Yomama, during which the Michigan
coach had to outbid Jud Heathcote of
Michigan State and Lee Rose of Purdue
for the services of the twelve-foot cen-
ter-guard-forward-anthropoid.
"Chewbacca's a sure-fire pro and a
fine, er, person," said Orr. "The thing,
led its division in scoring, despite
fouling out of every game. We're
tickled to death to get it in our
program."
Orr continued with a chukcle, "We
finally smoked the Sparties on one,
didn't we?"
Orr's happiness appears well-
founded, as Yomama's astounding in-
terplanetary scoring should only in-
crease, due to the gravity difference
between the Big Ten and Quantum
Five.
LIVING AND academic

arrangements have already been made
for the all-galaxy star. Yomama will
live in the Michigan Union Ballroom,
while majoring in anthropology,
astronomy and flute performance.
When asked why Michigan was his
final choice, Yomama snorted
belligerently, and beckoned for some
more potato chips and dip. "Hum
wumpa krok-tron gral," Yomama said
happily.
Needless to say, Heathcote and Rose
were bummed to the max. Rose
declined to comment, while Heathcote
fumed, "Fudge, he would have been
Earvin Johnson and Greg Kelser all
See SERPENT, page 19

Blue slated for 1980
game at Slipper Rock

By MEA BEER WILLYA
In a measure of what athletic director
Don Canham called his "good neigh-
bor" policy, the Michigan Wolverines
have announced that they will play a
1980 football game in Slippery Rock
Stadium.
Canham said that the Michigan-
Michigan State contest, originally
scheduled to be played in Michigan
Stadium on Oct. 14, 1980, has been
moved to the site of Slippery Rock
State College in Western Pennsyvlania.
In so doing, the Wolverines returned
the favor extended to Slippery Rock,
which will tangle with Shippensburg
State this fall here in Michigan
Stadium.
; In an exclusive interview, Canham
explained just how he parlayed this
idea into a money-making venture.
"We plan to sell tickets to this game
along with our regular season ticket
package," Canham said. "We're con-
fident that the students and alumni will
really get caught up in the novelty of
the idea, and will be gung-ho for
making the trip."
Slippery Rock Stadium seats only
10,000 however: Canham feels that this
will not be a problem.

"If we get our usual demand for
100,000 tickets, we plan to ration the
tickets so that each fan will get to see
one-tenth of the game."
In order to do this, Canham has
received special permission from the,
NCAA to befid the rules a bit and break
the game up into 10 periods of six
minutes each. "This way we can empty
and refill the stadium during stoppages
of play," he beamed.
Large TV screens will be set up out.
side the stadium so that the 90,000 spec-
tators waiting for their turn to get in
can still view the game. In order to ar-
commodate the crowds, the school has
found that it will be necessary to level
the entire campus, aside from the
stadium.
"We feel that the move is worth-
while," said Slippery Rock athletic
director Robert Raymond. "The added
revenue from the publicity given to
Slippery Rock from this event will more
than enable us to rebuild the campus af-
'ter the game."
The expensive outdoor screen will
make ticket prices skyrocket;, but
Canham refused to confirm or deny the
rumor circulating, which puts ticket
prices at $20 per seat for the contest.

1

Photo by R2D2
MICHIGAN CAGE RECRUIT Chewbacca Yomama shows his awesome stuff
during a recent Parsec Four contest. Yomama, who led the Quartum Five to
an undefeated season in the Asteroid Division, stands 12 foot even and led the
league in dunks. Parsec Four rules place the basket at 20 feet from the floor.

Chewbacca Yomama

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Harvey recruits Kenyan
phenomenon from jungle
By BYE BIRDIE
Coach Jack Harvey announced Awards
today the signing of the top By BYE LOVE
prospect in Michigan track The Michigan coaches and
history. The signee was Siha various sports officials have
Njembuji of Kenya, who holds the given us students and fans many
world record in every running thrills over the years. They have
event over one mile. also given us many classic choke
"I'm so happy we could land performances in games that are
the biggie (Njembuji)," said in anyway close to being "big"
Harvey. "This automatically but that doesn't matter, it's time
makes us a national contender. we showed a token of our ap-
Villanova and Texas-El Paso preciation for all they've given
watch-out! ! !" us. Here is a list of possible gifts
In an -exclusive DAILY inter- for some of the Michigan
view Njembuji expressed his coaches:
happiness over X-ing on the dot- " Dan Farrell, Michigan hockey
ted line. "I happy," Njembuji coach: A pair of elevator shoes so
struggled out. "I kum to dee U.S. he can see over his players on the
to get an edjucasion. I wunt to bench and finally find out what's
white und read learn." really happening on the ice.
Njembuji continued with his " Bo Schembechler, Michigan
only complaint. "It wul be hadd football coach: A monogrammed
to leave my wife und dis muny roachclip along with an

Pope, tennis phenom
Austin secretly wed
By ELIS'S COMING
The Vatican announced today that Pope John Paul II was secretly
married to tennis phenom Tracy Austin in a private ceremony less than a
month ago.
Authorities admitted surprise that the Pontiff had fallen for the sixteen
year old Austin, but commented, "His holiness ha always said he finds or-
thodontic braces very attractive, especially on nubile youths."
The ceremony took place in the Westport, Connecticut City Hall and was
performed by Ambrose C. Wurm, Justice Of The Peace. "I thought he was
her old man, you know, the way everyone kept calling him 'Father'," ex-
plained a bewildered Wurm. "I guess this is quite an honor."
IT WAS not immediately known whether John Paul would have to leave
the Papacy, but sources close to Vatican authorities said that the Cardinals
would probably overlook the marriage as they are admittedly bored with the
idea of selecting another successor to the throne of St. Peter.
Austin, the new Mrs. Wotijya, joins both Jimmy Connors and Chris
Evert in the parade of tennis stars who have taken the martial plunge in the
past year. "We had a keen vacation afterwards," she smiled to a throng of
reporters who had gathered in her Rome hotel. "We went skiing and
everything. He got me nice clothes, and I got to eat all I wanted."
About her promising court career, Tracy insisted that there was room
for a net in the chapel of St. Peter, "if you move out some of the benches,"
and that "his Holiness has promised me he'll see to it I'll have real good