Page 4-Sunday, February 25, 1979-The Michian DilyThe Michigan Daily The Michigan Daily Sunday, Fe The beatings goon,. but SAl House helps victims handle ci tions to the House even over the phone, because a batterer may just be asking a woman friend to call for him. If possible, an Assault Crisis Center worker or a SAFE House staff member will arrange to meet a woman somewhere and bring her to the House. But if it is an emergency, and there is no other way, directions will be given over the phone. But before they can feel secure, the women must trust the staff at SAFE House, and that is not, always so easy. When women come to SAFE House they are more emotionally than physically scarred. Although there are exceptions, most women don't require hospitalization for-their injured bodies. But they do need understanding for their injured psyches. "They have just made one of the most difficult decisions of their lives," Granville explains, "and we are asking them to trust a group of total strangers. When the person they are supposed to trust the most has violated that trust by abusing them, how can we expect them to immediately trust us? It is only natural that they should be wary of trusting anyone." The women may also, have some difficulty in ac- climating themselves td the living situation at the House, which is basically cooperative. Everyone eats together, and they all share in the house chores. Except for one man who does repair and By Ken Parsigian House lRules Volation of tAese ruleseis rounds for e ntion of terporary rea ncae at SAFE EHOUSE 2QaAA L orAy 3 a-rnOin n bedrooms. Keep o/Idoors locked (ony s#oQo are f cr. 5 Adul/s m iusn b. Before discharge each w oman must strip her bed Ei gau± 7Eoc Aoml m ust keep +beir bedroom and bot room CIcan . 2. Bedtime fn Ofl. CO children IT WAS MY FIRST day as an Outreach volunteer to the Domestic Violence Project, and I was nervous. Unmoved by my obvious uneasiness, however, the blond, brown-eyed six-year-old boy who stood before me put me to an immediate test: "Do you hit people?" he asked with his pure, unyielding eyes fixed on mine. I squeezed his puffy little hand, and stooped to one knee as I earnestly replied, "No, Billy, I wouldn't hit anyone." "Why not?" he queried incredulously. "My dad- dy hits people, so I thought all big men must hit people." On the ride back to SAFE House I explained that his daddy.was the exception rather than the rule, and he thanked me as he nuzzled close to my side. I should have thanked him; he had quickly dispelled any doubts I had about what I could offer the women and children at SAFE House. * * * SAFE House, as its name implies, is a place where battered women and their children can go to be safe. The acronym stands for Shelter Available For Emergency, but to the women seeking refuge from an abusive partner, "safe" says it all. A visitor would get no clue about SAFE House as he or she drove up the rocky, winding driveway that leads to the large but simple home. Children play on the spacious front yard, and a few cars are parked near the garage; externally, it appears the average suburban home. Even as the visitor knocks on the double-locked front door, he or she could never an- ticipate the reaction within. But inside, the normal working day is momentarily halted. No one is frightened by an unexpected knock at the door, but everyone is just a little tense. The location of the shelter is kept secret from everyone save those who work and live there, for the protection of the women. It is highly unlikely that a batterer will ap- pear at the door, but every unexpected knock raises that possibility. "At first I was very scared," said one battered woman who wished to remain anonymous. "I was certain he'd (her husband) come after me, and if he found me again I was sure he'd kill me. After a few days the fear disappeared, but not the concern. Whenever there was a strange noise at night, or a knock at the door, the thought that it might be him rushed into my head." Such fears are shared by many women at the shelter, and allaying those fears is the staff's primary concern. Kim Hoa Granville, who is the director of SAFE House, explains: "You've got to remember that most of the women who come here are in crisis. They come to us either from dangerous or threatening situations, and our primary concern is to provide safe emergency housing, and to make them feel secure." The location of the shelter is kept secret as a security measure, but it does create some dif- ficulties. Staff members are reluctant to give direc- Ken Parsigian is a former Daily managing editor, and SAFE house worker. Wnen tney are not busy with appointments, the women at SAFE House lead generally tranquil lives. After the breakfast dishes are washed and the children are hustled off to school, there is time to relax. And in true, stereotypic homemaker fashion, the women gather in the dining room to sip coffee and chat about day-to-day life. Except for the disproportionate number of babies, it seems a typical American home. After lunch, the television set is the star, as many. women still keep up on their favorite soaps. I have- never understood the appeal of soap operas, especially to women at the shelter whose personal stories are filled with more heartbreak and tragedy than anything a director can invent. But it has become a ritual for many of them, and it passes the time without requiring much attention. The cooperative living situation also facilitates peer counseling, which is strongly encouraged. The women support each other, and help each other to resolve their own problems. In the evenings, after the children have been put to bed, and only the overnight staff person is on duty, the women often gather in the living room to commiserate. The women who join in are as mismatched as the donated furniture in the room: White, black, Chicano, and Oriental; employed, jobless; married, single; with families, childless. But as different as they are, they share a common fear and dependence with which no staff member can truly empathize. They open up to each other in a way that they often can't to an advocate. Kathy Fiorello, a former client who is now a VISTA volunteer at the shelter, recalls those evening discussion sessions: "It was easier for us to talk to each other because we had all had similar experiences. And when we'd get together at night and start to compare stories, it was as if we were all married to the same man." One night, when I had stayed late, I listened from the office while the women talked in the living room. The experience made me realize how bogged down we often get in the women's physical needs. Much of an advocate's kime with a client is spent scouring the classifieds for apartments, and driving back and forth between social service agencies. Such topics are secondary in these informal, nightly group sessions. Most women are convinced their cases are "unique" when they arrive at SAFE House, but when they find they are not alone they are usually anxious to share experiences and learn frqyn each other. The cooperative living situation and the peer support are only two aspects of the self-help at- mosphere that prevails at SAFE Douse. Even the efforts of advocates are oriented toward helping the women help themselves. If there is one firm rule for advocates it is to never make decisions for the women. Our job is not to push them into a divorce or separation, but to make all their options clear to them. We help them explore the possible paths they may choose, and support them in whatever decisions they make about their futures. As ad- vocate Gail Vernick puts it, "If it is the right time, and if a woman feels strong, then she will take positive steps to improve her situation. But if she isn't ready, then she shouldn't be pushed." V OLUNTEER COORDINATOR and Univer- sity senior Jane Conrad points out, "The first thing we have to give these women is a sense of self-worth. They are used to having decisions made for them, primarily by their abusive partner, and we have to encourage them to take controlof their own lives. If we make decisions for them, then they may just be exchanging one master for another." But the women don't always make this an easy credo-to follow. They are generally scared and fused when they come to the shelter. They arE customed to being dependent on someone else, they often encourage an advocate to take step; them. "How am I supposed to know what I want to a woman once screamed at me after a frustra half hour of trying to outline her needs and g "You're my advocate, you've been though this other women. Can't you just tell me what I'm posed to do?" Frankly, I was tempted, as is every advocat one time or another. It would have been simpy me to tell her what I thought she should do, bt the long run she would never be satisfied wi decision she didn't make for herself. I would onl perpetuating her dependency upon others, an my case; upon men. That is exactly what I told Photos by Andy Freeberg but my words had no magic effect. She felt rejec and said I hadn't really tried to help her. "No cares about me," she said, as she left the r crying. I almost broke down. I felt I had left this help woman no place to turn. But as I pondered ti words "helpless woman," I realized how perpetuating such a thought is. She was helpless, but simply unaccustomed to deci things for herself. Fortunately, she returned a s while later, and we outlined her goals based on decisions with my suggestions and support. A! she had not come back, I would have had to be tent to know that it was not, as advocate Ver said, "the right time." "The last thing I wanted to be bothered with what I was going to do after I left SAFE House, woman said later. "I didn't want to think about problems. I resented it at first when the pe there tried to make me confront my problems, t really appreciate it when I look back. They ni told me what to do, but they were always willin help me decide, and to help me carry out decisions once I made them." But SAFE House prc shelter and a forum for v Once a client has decided advocates are ready 1 bureaucratic maze of sac women who come to SAF con- money, so their first nee e ac- is not because wife-beat and the poor, but rather bec s for have resources don't need "If I were a battered w do," says, "I could just tak( ating check into a hotel. I wo oals. most of the women wh with limited resources." sup- Because their abusive them isolated, many SAF te at have any friends nearby I e for even if they do have frier ut in these people are often po th a to house the battered won y be "He locked me in the I d in he'd find me and kill me, her,, called my sister to help him too. Then I called the was nothing they could about SAFE House." The shelter is a solutio but only a temporary one. SAFE House for 30 day housing, if she decides cted, another major concern. B one Washtenaw County whenc oom difficult, and it is almost budget. Many women get less this is a reason to return hose continued abuse. self- In the 11 months SAFE not has had 135 clients, but ac ding half of them do go back hort quick to point out, hoN her necessarily consider a wo nd if failure. "There are a lot c con- might not be ready to lea nick don't consider that a fail that at least now they k was House exists, and it is 'the another time if they need i my It is difficult, nonethele: ople woman who returns to an but I wonder what a particular'v ever at a given moment. Even t g to shelter for a month, it is e my involved in these women See SAFE, 9 Quiet hours 9:'Of. P-- 70a./m. groundswork, the women keep the house running by themselves. There is a sign in the dining room assigning and detailing the jobs-cooking, cleaning, etc. The women also share babysitting duties. A typical day for a woman at the shelter is. fast-paced. She might have an appointment at the Department of Social Services in the morning, a meeting with someone at Legal Aid at noon, and several apar- tments to inspect in the afternoon. Since it isn't always possible (and is never-convenient) to bring the kids along, they are often left at the house with a woman who isn't busy that day. Some women do not adjust well to this way of life. According to Granville, "people in crisis can be quite volatile in their reactions to certain situations. We do meet some resistance to the cooperatie situation. Some women qu'estion the fact that we d not have janitorial services, and maid services. and cook services. But for these women, who have been very well isolated, to know that there are other women in the same situation and for them to learn to live with this group is very important. It is a test of their strength and their level of tolerance for tin- comfortable situations. It helps them learn to resolve conflict in a healthy and positive manner.' . o. kitchen +fiftes are'7O~:3Am 6:0O-% '0. ftM. eo/S. breaktasf ,~r c!Ildrerl I 1 A/oters are anAsaihL for II 1- 4 4 *aJE cmrimas.