y -SUNDAY, DEC


The Scrape of the Lock

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--A MOCK2 EPIC

"12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS"-Today this delightful old poem is the subject of much controversy.
Obviously, poetic license has been taken without the consent of the author Anonymous.
Traditional Song Creates Controversy

ming," while another has the gift
for the same day as "nine ladies
dancing."
It would appear that someone
has taken the liberty of poetic
license with the poem, which has'
an anonymous author.
One thing on which all can
agree, however, is that the gifts
are peculiar. Maybe the author
wished to remain unknown on
purpose.
For the benefit of those not
familiar with this delightful poem,
whose verses grow on you as the
gifts add up each day between
Christmas and "Twelfth Night"
(when the Three Wise Men ap-
peared to the Christ Child), the

final summarizing verse in one
popular version reads:
The twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me
Twelve drummers drumming,
Eleven pipers piping,
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five gold rings,
Four Colly birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
What an assortment to have
under your Christmas tree! Who
was this unknown suitor? A zoo
keeper? A theatrical producer?

By ALEXANDRA DOPE
Ghost Writer
CANTO III
MRS. CLAUS NOW, whom thirst of fame ever nears,
Burns to encounter two advent'rous Deers,
At Go Fish singly to decide their doom;
And swells her breast with conquests yet to come.
Straight three creatures strive to climb to heaven,
And each receives a hand of sacred seven.
Soon as she spreads her hand, the fat man Nick
Draws nigh, sits on each card, and bends them-sick:
First Santa perches on a bright red King,
For men of selves do so much like to sing.
BEHOLD, CLAUS in His Majesty revered,
With hoary whiskers and a knife-cut beard;
And particolored troops, a shining train
Draws forth to puff smoke on the regal plain,
THE SKILFUL Wife reviews her force with care:
Give me your Kings! she said, and made a pair.
NOW MOVE to war her mink-enveloped Queens,
Who rule Kings (be they professors or deans);
She calls for them and Dancer gives up one,
And Vixen curses for the game seems won.
THUS FAR both Reindeer to Mrs. Santa yield;
Now to male Vixen fate inclines the field.
Wife asks for Eights, but she gets no replies
And when she fishes, her luck slowly dies.
THE VIXEN pours forth curses of "hot d----,"
His talking makes him sound like a PiLam;
He sweeps up Ace, Three, Four-each one a book,
And turns to give Mrs. Claus the slyest look.
T THIS, the blood her wifely cheek does dodge,
A vivid paleness spreads o'er her visage;
She sees, and trembles at approaching ill,
Just in the jaws of ruin and with no pill.
Game goes on, Dancer touches not the deck,
And Wife and Vixen make books neck 'n' neck
And neck 'n' neck and neck 'n' neck and neck.
But she cheats-calls cards not belonging to her:
'Til Vixen draws gun from cloven-hoof's holster.
He springs to Vengeance with an eager pace,
And fires like crazy all around the place:
The gun exulting fills with thuds the air;
The walls, woodwork, and one lone door despair.
OH THOUGHTLESS Reindeer! ever blind to chance,
Shot one big hole in Santa's bright red pants.
More awful, Christmas joy was shot to h---,
And you will curse forev'r what then befell.
FOR LO! the very door which he shot through
Housed toys that took Santa all year to do;
Straight through the lock his bullet hot had blazed
Wheni he jumped up and fired as in a daze;
Alas, alack, aday! it 'twas too late:
Lock jambed-no presents on this Christmas date!
WATCH FOR THE NEXT
CHRISTMAS ISSUE
December 13

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