SUNDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1962 T HE MICHIGAN DAILY PAGE SEVEN Senate Committee Probes Activities of Santa Slaus I V (EDITOR'S NOTE: The Daily's city editor and his alter ego have an un- canny knack for finding St. Nick in political trouble. This year isno exception. By MICHAEL HARRAH and ROBIN PAGE Special To The Daily COPPER HARBOR - It is Christmas Eve, even in this, the remotest of all settlements in the Great State of Michigan. And it is here that seven mem- bers of the Senate have collected themselves, in the dead of night, in an attempt to either expose or uphold that elusive figment of Christmas-Santa Claus. With the help of the Air Force, they captured him, as he crossed Lake Superior toward the Ameri- can border, and he now stands trial before the Senate Committee c.Legislative Oversight, facing charges of violating the Sherman, Clayton, McCarran, and Smith Acts. Faces Inquiry They are arrayed now about a long table. The plump little man in the red suit sits facing them. Straight ahead of him is the chairman, Sen. Bartholomew Jus- tice of Kentucky, a medium fellow with a pleasing smile and a force- ful manner, who speaks with a slow drawl but thinks with a quick wit. Next there is Sen. Alexander Courage of Mississippi, a vener- able old gentleman whose reac- tions have dulled but whose per- ceptions have not. . s Then there is Sen. Constance Charity of Vermont, a matronly little lady with a kind heart be- neath her cold exterior. At the end, we find Sen. Omar Wisdom of Colorado, a ponderous old gentleman whose oratory, though long and flowery, has never ceas- ed to entrance the Senate. The minority members, who, at the insistence of the White House, have instigated these proceedings, include Sen. Randolpho Bandido of New Mexico, a tall, swarthy character, with a reputation for political chicanery, Sen. J. Wil- liam Ruthless of Arkansas, a pow- erful but inept legislator who has often misadvised the administra- tion on policy matters, and Sen. Edward M. Midas of Massachu- setts, who, at 30, is the youngest member of the Senate (a fact no doubt dependent upon his also being a brother of the President). Justice Triumphs "I really must protest, gentle- men," Santa implored, as two col- onels forcibly seated him and withdrew. "My schedule is heavier than ever this year. Whatever this is, can't it wait until dawn?" Young Sen. Midas sneered, "What is your game, old, man?" he inquired. "This 'Spirit of Christmas' nonsense... Sen. Justice cut him off. "I shall conduct these proceedings at least, Senator," he told Midas. "Accord me that respect whether you feel it or not." The young New Englander subsided, fuming. "Mr. Claus," began the Kentuck- ian. "May I call you that?" "Whatever you wish," murmured the red-suited fellow. Illegal Operations "Very well, then. Mr. Claus, cer- tain members of the Senate have requested this investigation of your activities on the grounds that you may be engaging in such illegal activities as to put you in viola- tion of various federal acts and legislation. To put it more simply, sir, you have been informally ac- cused of-well-." "Smuggling." blurted Sen. Ruth- less. "And there's no doubt about Sei. Charity gasped, and Sen. Justice rapped his gavel. "That will do sir," he chastised the Sen- New Mexico means," he explained ator from Arkansas. smoothly. "is that we have no "We are not here to do you ill, proof that, should there really be Mr. Claus," he continued. "Rather a real Santa Claus, this man is we should like to ascertain the he." ; true status of your situation. Your /. "I do not mean that," Bandidoz cooperation should clear this up sputtered. "You know damn well right quickly." I-x-- -~",,- Santa nodded, without raising Shut up!" Sen. Ruthless hissed. his head. d w u iA flicker of a smile touched the Sen. Bandido opened the in- lips of Sen. Justice: his Kentucky quiry. "It is my understanding mndwas hard at work. "How are Sthat annually at this time you,; you at going up chimnies, Ruth- . cross illegally into the United +? less," he asked slyly. States, carrying an undisclosed The Arkansan was taken aback. and undeclared amount of mer- "What ever do you mean?" chandise not legally belonging in "Just what I said. Can you rise< the United States. Is this true?" up a chimney?"< Yes? No? Don't Be Silly "Well, I- Santa began, grop- "Why, of course not," said Sen.1 ing. Ruthless indignantly. "Even the "A simple yes-or-no answer will best chimney-sweep needs special] be quite sufficient, old man," Sen. yequipment to putter around that Bandido snapped.I way." R "I've always done it this way," - But Sen. Ruthless was uneasy. Santa murmured. "For years and \ Sen. Justice had caught him un- 5 waware. years." "e, etat ra s Tat doesn't answer my ques----"ew knw ht h rel "Tat en' ans ed "y ques-Santa Claus can rise up a chimney, tin"Sn adiopesd D don't we?" asked Sen. Charity you declare these goods in the4 .dn'weed accepted manner or do you not?" sweetly. "Well, no, but-.". ~ "Oh rubbish," shouted Sen. Mi- "Wel, no, bu t d the' Newdas. "That's just another silly "Ah, ha!" gloated the New nursery story. Alice also fell down DepressionMa rabbit hole. I suppose you be-, Depressionm bottht udl osics lieve that too?" "And do you admit to flooding and as him about at bund stics e Wisdom rumbled softly, the American market," Sen. Midas *Sen. g'st Cased chimed in, "with this merchan- "I goan last years stocking "Didn't you-once?" dise, depressing the price of Amer Test case ican goods, so that American firms Sen. Wisdom interrupted him. into a maudlin and sloppy tear my khis co mittee ob ect to cann compete with you?" -"Sant," he said. "May I call you session. Wenare hear to investi- ness?" Sen. Justice inquired. "But, young man, I always-." that?" gate a menace to American secur- "I h hme? e.Bn "There's no 'always' to It, Mr. "You, sir, may call me that," the ity, not to deal in sentimentality dido crowed. "How insane you can Claus. Do you or do you not en- old man responded. and fairy tales." be, Justice! Go ahead and have gage In unfair competitive prac- "Santa," rumbled the Senior Sen. Bandido, a bachelor and your fun with the old man." He tices by distributing your mer- Senator from Colorado, "what to an only child, continued, "Yes, it strode over to the hearth and chandise for free, in violation of you is more precious than any- is quite nonsense, this Santa Claus stoked the fire, murmuring to countless fair trade acts? Answer thing else on earth?" business. Santa Claus is nothing himself, "Certainly misjudged Jus- me: yes or no!" Santa's face wreathed in smiles but a figment of Madison Avenue. tice. On our side all along. This Well, if you put it that way, and he drew himself up. "The We see him everywhere at Christ- should show that fakin' old man." Santa said, in a tired voice, "I happiness of a child on Christmas mas. In stores, on the sidewalks, Sen. Midas caught Bandido's guess I'll have to answer yes." morning," he said. "I have no in display windows, everywhere. spirit. "Yes, by all means. Let's Ruthless Questioning other remuneration than that." He's nothing but a bunch of BURN the Santa Claus myth once Sen. Ruthless took up the probe. "And would you say," Sen. Char- drunks who were lucky enough to and for all." He laughed evilly. "And do you admit monopolizing ity inquired softly, "that a child's get a job ringing a bell for a week But Sen. Ruthless was appre- your labor market in the produc- happiness overcomes all the dog- or two." hensive. "Now, I don't think we tion of your goods? Have your ma about markets and prices and Sen. Courage glared at the New should do anything hasty-," he workers any alternative employ- laws?" Mexican. "You do youahself proud, began. ment than your shop?" Madison Avenue suh." he snapped. "How little you Lots of Laughs "Well no, but-." "Oh, Mr. Chairman," Sen. Midas stand foah! How very little indeed. Sen. Bandido laughed at him. "Ah, ha!" Senators Midas and cut in. "I respectfully request that suh!" "Where's your sense of humor, Ruthless chorused, turning trium- the lady from Vermont not be But Sen. Ruthless attempted to Ruthless?" he jeered. "This should phantly to Sen. Justice. allowed to degenerate this inquiry recoup. "What my colleague from be excellent!" Bandido said, "It is clear that, regardless of what kind of im- munity this man feels he has, he is an undesireable alien. I have ' in my possession a John Doe war- - rant.. Wisdom, Courage No ' Now just a minute," rumbled There Is N Sen. Wisdom. And Sen. Courage , . 4iher.I.N :.*te * put in: "Ah don't recawl havin o mah turn yet, suh." "Tell me, Mr. Claus," Sen. Wis-...ce...ke " dom began. "How long have you PW been carrying on these activities?"' For the first time Santa raised his head. "A long, long time," he said. r. "Befoh ouah great nation wasB liberated, would you say, suh?" in- To Spend Christmas Vacation quired Sen. Courage.40 "Long before that," Santa re- (for your bike, that is) plied. Profit Margin "And what personal gain do you receive from your activities," ask- -et that Old W reck ed Sen. Charity, speaking for the first time. "None, none at all," the old man Back on the Streets or. Next Year. replied wearily. "At least nothing *r tangible."o "But you would say that you do benef itin some way?" Sen. Midas Spressed, catching upon the old a~ man's qualification. Santa smiled wanly. "Yes, I do benefit. Yes indeed I do." BEAVER'S BIKE "Admits he benefits from con- shotatSen.Jutie . - 605 Church Street NO 5-6607 "Seems ear-ut," Sen. Ban- dido began. "I move-." Sen. Justice smiled "Yes, excellent indeed." merrily.I Sen. Wisdom stepped over to the fireplace. "Santa, if you would be so good to rise up the chim- ney, I believe that would clear up this whole matter." The little old man looked from one senator to the next. He seemed rooted to his spot. "Come on, old man," sneered Sen. Midas. "Let's see you live up to your name." Up Chimney But Santa just stood there. He seemed afraid to budge, looking at first one inquisitor and then another. Sen. Bandido ran out of pa- tience. He stepped forward and jerked the old man over to the hearth. "Climb in, old man," he hissed, "or I shall push you in." Santa blinked a few times, and then he looked around. His eyes came to rest on Sen. Wisdom. "You, sir, have honor," he said. "I thank you for your wisdom." And he shook hands with the senator from Colorado. He Rose "And you, my dear, have charity and a kind heart," he said, ad- dressing himself. to the lady from Vermont. He nodded respectfully also to Senators Courage and Justice and then turned laboriously toward the hearth. With a sigh that seemed like resignation to the senators as they watched him, he stepped "How did you know? How did you slowly into the crackling fire. As know? He looked so normal." the flames licked at his boots, he Sen. Justice smiled. "Normal," stood up straight in the chimney. he mused. "Yes I suppose he did." Sen. Charity drew in her breath Then he laughed reminiscently. sharply. Then he was gone. "I remember when a lot of inex- _ nlinlp thin gs gapmt i nnitp nnr- Sen. Midas dropped on his hands and knees before the grate. "What kind of a trick was that?" he shouted over his shoulder at Sen. Justice. To His Sleigh Sen. Ruthless collapsed in a chair. "I should have known," he mumbled. "I should have known." Sen. Bandido stood transfixed, gazing at the place where the old man had been. Then on the roof, a frenzied tapping was heard, fol- lowed by a swish-and silence. Sen. Charity smiled inwardly and let out her breath. Sen. Wisdom strolled over to the window. The moon was full and the sky was clear. He gazed out on the horizon. To All Good Night Sen. Midas stared incredulously about him, then with a shriek he stormed out the door, leaving snow and wind blowing in his wake. Sen. Bandido silently trailed after his colleague from Massachusetts. "Ah believe," Sen. Courage said at last, "we have taught at least two of ouh numbah that all that exists cannot be explained." Sen. Ruthless pulled himself to- gether and said to Sen. Wisdom. PaaU 'e gllts seemed C ULe nor- mal and real to me-the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy." Sen. Charity moved at last. "Yes," she smiled. "I'd almost for- gotten that." "But," babbled Sen. Ruthless, you admit there is no Santa Claus, don't you?" "Do we?" retorted Sen. Justice. And Sen. Courage added, "In the laht of tonaht's events, Ah don't believe we can concede that, now can we, suh?" Sen. Wisdom turned slowly from the window, where he'd been watching a speck grow fainter on the horizon. "Concede?" he in- quired softly, drawing in on a pipe he had tucked in his teeth. "I don't think there is anything to concede at all," he said. Like a Wreath And with that he blew out the smoke. Sen.i Justice watched it, as it encircled Sen. Wisdom's head like a wreath. Then he looked at the senator from Colorado and said, "I see the old man left his pipe." "Did he?" started Sen. Wisdom. And then he mellowed. "I guess he did." Men! Your Christmas Bonus .. Awaits You Here At more in merchandise you will re- " ceive a SILYER DOLLAR, with a purchase of $20 you will receive 2 silver dollars, etc. For exam- pie: A $50 purchase of suit or topcoat you will receive a bonus of 5 Silver Dollars. 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