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HANDY, HELPFUL HINTS:
Artistic Wrapping Takes Skill'

Pagans Initiate Custom
Of Christmas Presents

Gifts for Beaux Bring on Woes
By JEAN TENANDER

By EDWARD HERSTEIN
Christmas, that jolly time of
thanksgiving--oops, gift giving,
that is.
Surely there is nothing more
beautiful in this world than the
sight of a sparklingly trimmed
tree (preferably spruce or pine,
though cactus has become popular
in some circles lately), surround-
ed by lots of gaily wrapped, neatly
bowed, expensive-looking pack-
ages. And sure as there's an "X"
in Christmas, you wouldn't want
your gift to be the sloppiest, mess-
iest, cheapest one of the bunch,
would you?
Of course not.
Well, there's nothing we can
do about it if it's the thought that
counts in your gift, not the expense
(or lack of it); but if you've been
looking for those lovely, helpful
tips on how to wrap that little
piece of your heart into a neat
bundle, and you haven't been
watching Ben Casey lately, then
this article is for you.
First, there are a few little items
you'll need to start things off.
Scissors, tape, wrapping paper,
ribbon, bows, name tags, pens to
address the name tags, string, and
that old standby, the gift itself,
should do nicely to begin with.
Isolate Yourself
Now then, having secured all of
the essentials, lock yourself into a
convenient cubicle suitable for do-
ing gift wrapping in so as to avoid
such interference as might other-
wise be caused by the doorbell
ringing, the dog or one of the
sweet, 1itt1e children coming
screaming and barking in, an ex-
plosion in the kitchen, or any oth-
er disturbance. We suggest your
fallout shelter or the interior of

By BURT MICHAELS

I

the washing machine as possibili-
ties.
Now you are ready to begin: take
your first package (better start
with the one you are planning to
send to the people who didn't send
you anything last year and who
you really shouldn't be sending
anything to, anyway) and careful-
ly size it up. Then cut out a piece
of wrapping paper which you fig-
ure should fit it snugly. To do
this well requires a talent which is
generally acquired only after years
of experience; so don't despair if
the first five or six times you try
it, it comes out a little short.
Having selected the appropriate
paper and cut it out to the proper
size, the next step is simply to put
the paper around the package.
This step, overlooked so often, is
actually one of the most important
for a nice-looking gift, so be sure
to do it.
Tag Placement
With the papering of the gift
completed, there only remains the
tying of the ribbon and the place-
ment of the name tag. Essentially,
the ribbon tying is nothing more

than lacing a shoestring around
the package, though shoe strings
are not heartily recommended for
ribbons. Of course, it is always a
good idea to double-knot the rib-
bon so that it will not become
untied, which also makes open-
ing your gift a real challenge; thus
easing the troubled conscience of
the recipient, who didn't put a rib-
bon on his gift to you.
The name tag is probably the
most important single part of your
gift, so be sure to display it prop-
erly. It is not a bad idea to put
three or four name tags on the
package, actually: for the person
to whom you give your gift would
certainly not want to forget where
the package came from, and you
can bet he won't if you do it this
way. Arc welding should be used
to secure the tags, and it is help-
ful if the name of the recipient is
on the tag as well as your own.
Well, in the words of that great
founder of the Christmas spirit,
Madison Avenue, if you'll follow
these directions carefully, this year
you will truly find yourself "fit to
be tied."

Since the Magi-and, in fact,
before - Christmas has involved
an exchange of gifts, ranging
from fertility symbols to switches,
from husbands to teddy bears.
In pagan days, what is now
the Christmas season was a time
for Bacchanalian revelry. Romans
exchanged branches of leaves as
fertility symbols.
As paganism grew stoic, the
winter festival caused judges to
Day Sets Plan
To Stamp out
Late Mailing
If you're planning to wait un-
til vacation begins before you get
around to mailing out your annual
ton of Christmas cards, the post
office department would like a
word with you.
Postmaster General J. Edward
Day, in an effort to avoid the
inevitable deluge of last-minute
Christmas ,mailings which bends
mail carriers' backs (and some-
times gives vacation jobs to col-
lege students), is borrowing some
"soft-sell" techniques from Madi-
son Avenue.
Abandoning the more pedestrian
mail-early please of the past, the
post office department is putting
out a special Christmas stamp, and
has coined a promotion jingle to
go with it.
Day explains that his depart-
ment had formerly avoided put-
ting out a Christmas stamp be-
cause non-Christians might be of-
fended. However, after discussing
the idea of putting out such a
stamp, and the design to be used,
with non-Christian religious lead-
ers, they decided to go ahead with
it. It's the first Christmas stamp
in United States history.
The accompanying jingle, which
has been recorded for use by radio

Klaus Notes Implications
Of Co ntemporaryCards

By RICHARD KRAUT '
"Rationality is sometimes the
inevitable result of the analysis of
conflicting ChriL 'as socio-eco-
nomic contexts," Prof. Sam Klaus
of the Brooklyn Divinity School
said recently in a lecture on "The
Meaning of Modern Christmas

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Cards in the Contemporary So-
ciety."
Prof. Klaus, a noted expert on
sometimes inevitable results, de-
livered the 72nd annual "Knock
on Wood" Lecture.
The professor of theology, some-
times called Nick by his friends,
tried to show that modern Christ-
mas cards reflect conditions in
contemporary society in four ways.
The first, Prof. Klaus said, is
humor. "This is probably the most
obvious attempt of the modern
Christmas cards. They all try to
be funny in one way or another."
However, Prof. Klaus did not
think that contemporary cards are
being very successful. "I have been
studying modern Christmas cards
for 18 years," he said, "but have
not laughed once.
Prof. Klaus thought this was a
dangerous trend. "Where is the
good American slap on the back
of yesteryear?" he asked. A man
in the rear raised his hand to
answer, but Prof. Klaus ignored
him.
"The last aspect of modern
Christmas cards I will deal with,"
Prof. Klaus said, "is perhaps the
most serious. I am alarmed and
disappointed by the downright
pessimism and cynicism displayed
by the new cards.
"This reflects the decline of
faith in western civilization," he
said. "First God was dead, then
man was dead; now Santa Claus
is dead. Where do we go from
here?
"I call for a revival in the
humanist tradition," Prof. Klaus
said at the end of his lecture.
Throwing his lectern at the aud-
ience, he stormed off the stage,
shouting, "I have a rendezvous
with spring."

grant pardons. The judges, nat-
urally, were rewarded with tokens
of appreciation. Traces of this
custom are evident today in the
gratuities policemen enjoy at
Christmastime. Some cynics call
this bribery, not knowing it is an
ancient Christmas tradition.
Enter St. Nick
St. Nicholas entered the gift-
giving spree in the fourth cen-
tury. A rich bishop from Myra,
which is also known as Kale or
Demri, and found on the Mediter-
ranean coast of Turkey, which is
also known as Lycia, St. Nicholas
gave gifts to the poor anonymous-
ly, He was caught at it, however,
and immortalized.
Legend has it that St. Nicholas
became patron saint of boys by
reviving two young sprites whom
a wicked butcher had chopped up
and salted for pork. Therefore, in
Switzerland, St. Nicholas gives
gifts to boys only.
Lest Swiss girls be forgotten,
history provided a patron saint
of girls in the form of St. Lucy,
a Sicilian lass martyred in 304.
She travels through Switzerland
with St. Nicholas, bestowing pres-
ents on girls only. It's all quite
fair, and lessens the burden on
the main characters.
Mrs. Santa Claus?
Like most women, St. Lucy has
many faces. In Czechoslovakia
she plays nanny-goat, disembowel-
ing bad children and leaving good
ones off with a gift of fruit.
Female gift-givers often assume
little pecadillos. In Russia, one
Babuska (possibly patroness of
head scarves) spreads presents
each Christmas in penance for
having maliciously misdirected the
Magi.
Another weirdie comes from
Sicily, where Christmas gifts are
distributed by ancestral corpses.
More Blessed To Give
Getting gifts has its drawbacks.
Alsacian tykes have to sing hymns
for presents. If they perform ad-
mirably, they get a gingerbread,
which is all right if one likes that
sort of thing. But if they don't
they get beaten with a bag of
ashes.
German children were wont to
get a bundle on Christmas which
included some sweets; something
useful, like clothes or books; and
an ominous switch.
Sweden, delight of Western pro-
gressives, offers little gifts in over-
sized packages, much like the pro-
gressives themselves. Sometimes
Swedish belles find suitors in these
giant mounds of wrapping. Some-
times unwanted suitors find them-
selves out in the snow.
American Gifts
In America, gift exchange has
reverted to something like primi-
tive trade in ancient Samoa. There
one lost friends, prestige, and
sometimes life for not outdoing
others. Christmas cards, modified
gifts related to the elaborate let-
ters English schoolboys sent home
at Yuletide, also figure in the
competition.
The history of gift-giving might
best be summed up like this:
It wasn't "Canoe",
'Twas much more shoe;
They called it myrrh.
(Now unheard of)
It wasn't cash-
Had much more dash-
They called it gold.
(Now illegal)
It wasn't "Air Wick",
'Twas much more chic;
They called it frankincense.
(Now in spray bottles)

By DANIEL SHAFER
Once again the Christmas shop-
per will be faced with a barrage
of dolls of the action variety when
he leaves the safety of his home to
brave the dangers of Yuletide gift-
grabbing.
Assuming that, as in the past,
the main thought in most shop-
pers' minds will be buying a gift
that fits the personality of the re-
cipient, the following list of wind-
up dolls might be helpful.
Though we have seen very few
of these in Ann Arbor's stores-
none of them, to be completely
truthful - a sharp, mercenary
manufacturer might cash in by
offering some of them in their
1963 toy lines.
For the politically-minded per-
son, might I suggest the possibil-
ity of a President Kennedy doll-
wind it up and it takes off for Hy-
annisport. Or perhaps a Barry
Goldwater doll-wind it up and it
takes a step backward. Another
possibility is the Richard Nixon,
doll-wind it up and it cries real
tears. Its counterpart is found in
the Pat Brown doll-wind it up
and it turns pink.
Nothing Doing
For the more conservatively-in-
clined recipient, a Dwight Eisen-
hower doll might be in order --
wind it up and it sits and does
nothing for eight years. If you
should be unfortunate enough to
have a friend who is rather impar-
tial, but you would still like to find
him a political doll, you might try
the Civil Service doll-wind it up
and it looks busy.
Acknowledging the fact that
most of us here are University
students, a few dolls along campus
lines are appropriate. For exam-
ple, there is the SGC doll-wind it
up and it votes "No." Or the Steve
Stockmeyer doll-wind it up and it
yells "BOO!". Possibly we might
even find a Harlan Hatcher doll-
wind it up and it gives teas. How
about a Michigan football team

doll-wind it up and it fumbles.
Then there is always the USNSA
doll-wind it up and it functions.
There are always a couple of
starry-minded folk in the Yule
gift-list, so for their sake I include
the possibility of the Liz Taylor
doll-wind it up and it steals your
husband. (I recently saw a Ben
Casey doll-wind'it up and it gives
you an angiogrm.)
Famous Folk
A few other national personages
have made significant enough con-
tributions to our society to have.
wind-up dolls for them. Jimmy Hof-
fa has a wind-up doll, for exam-
ple-wind it up and it pleads the
Fifth Amendment. There's also the
Robert Welch doll-wind it up and
it calls all the other dolls "Com-
symps." And of course- our list
would not be complete without
the addition of the Billie Sol Estes
doll-wind it up and it buys a
state.
Historical Dolls
If you find a history major on
your list, try one of our famous-
person dolls. The Alexander the
Great wind-up doll, for example
-wind it up and it runs over little
kids with its chariot, or the Marie
Antoinette doll-wind it up and its
head falls off. The George Wash-
ington doll is a recurring favorite
-wind it up and it throws silver
dollars. The General Grant doll
always gets a big cheer-wind it
up and it hits the bottle.
If per chance you are unable to
find one of the above dolls that
exactly fits the personality of the
intended fortunate one, I suggest
that you buy that person's voodoo
doll and scratch him off your
Zhristmas list.

BUNDLES OF JOY-The Arcade shops have tempting displays,
enabling one to finish one's Christmas shopping in one-woops!--
but maybe one should save one's last dollar for a taxicab.
Suggoests Wind-Up Dolls
To Ape Public Figures

If, despite all efforts to the
contrary, you find that when
Christmas rolls ground you are
on a more c 'rindly basis
with a men ,he opposite
sex, then yc iend, are in
trouble.
There is only ..- clear-cut solu-
tion to this problem, but unfor-
tunately very few of those cursed
by this burden are strong enough
to avail themselves of it. The
solution is simply this: drop him
(or her). Heartless as this may
sound, it is a veritable Elysium
compared to the anguish you will
have gone through until the time
the wrapping paper has been torn
off.
By this time it may seem as
though the situation has been
exaggerated; but listen, my child-
ren, and you will hear of a sure
way to lose your friends, money,
self-respect, and sanity.
Decisions, Decisions
What are you going to buy him
(her) for a Christmas present?
Should you buy him (her) a pres-
ent anyway? You've only known
him (her) for eight months. May-
be it isn't really suave to go
around forcing gifts on strangers.
Nope, gotta buy a present, gotta
buy a present. Well, I really don't
know him (her) all that well.
Once the first stage has ignited
and you have at last decided that
if you buy a sorta modest-like
gift (you know what I mean: not
too big, not too small, just kinda
modest-like), then you're ready
to hit the stores. And they are
ready for you, too. Let me re-
assure you on that point.
Would you yourself ever have
thought of the clever idea of get-
ting your boyfriend William an
elephant gun because his favorite
book is "Kim?" Well, maybe you
would have, as a matter of fact,.
It is a cool idea, though, isn't it.
And what about Joe here? He
bought his girl friend an out-
board motor because she loves his
boat, even though he hasn't been
able to use it since his motor
broke down last year.
More Decisions
Perhaps these are extremes but
the torment is no less great for
being concerned with smaller gifts.
How is any normal boy supposed
to know yhether his girlfrien~d
would rather have a sweater, a
book on the tse-tse fly's reprodu-
tive habits for her biology project,
or a pencil sharpener?
No matter what he buys, she is
sure to be disappointed; besides,
he will feel pretty foolish if he
buys her a present she is already
getting. He also has to be careful
not to buy her something which
might indicate a feeling more
strong than he actually intends-
a ring, for instance.
Still More Decisions
A girl, on the other hand, has
to take care not to give anything
which does not suggest to him
that she thinks he is the most
wonderful, strong, intelligent, im-
pressive person around. This im-
mediately knocks out the copy of
"Why Johnny Can't Read" that
has been lying around on the
shelf, and it also eliminates a
Charles Atlas body-building course.

CHRISTMAS STAMP
. use me early

and television broadcasters, is set
to the tune of "Jingle Bells":
Christmas Stamps, Christmas
stamps, making our debut,
We'll brighten up your Christ-
mas cards and speed them on to
you.
Don't delay, mail today, it's
later than you think!
We'll put them through for all
of you, quicker than a wink.

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