THE MICHIGAN DAILY
Friday, May 16, 1969
. Learn to enjoy life ..
... don't be a winner
By KEITH R. WOOD
Since you have already started to read this column, I will
assume that you are somewhat athletically minded. You no
doubt relish a particular sense, of/ pleasure from participation
in events that are loaded with tension. Even more you desire g
the strong competition involved in .athletic events.
Well, there is a more than very good chance that you will
participate in one of the most tension-packed, dompetitive
activities possible if you are male over eighteen years old. It's
the kind of activity that makes your heart beat faster with a
sense of knowing you must overcome almost insurmountable
odds. What I am speaking of is the pre-induction physical, which
you may call a sporting event If you have a morbid sense of
What differentiates the pre-induction physical from other
athletic events is that your objective is to be a loser, not a win-
ner. It is your goal, by means of quick maneuvering and clever
thinking, to outwit your opponent and convince him that you
are by all means a complete and hopeless loser.
The "game" is divided into four periods: the questionnaire,
the mental, the physical, and the security.
IN THE FIRST period you outline your strategy for the
rest of the "game"' You run into very little opposition in the first
period; your adversary is holding off his largest threats until the
third period. ,In the questionnaire period, you inform your op-
ponent as, to exactly what he is to expect in the third period.'
That naturally will makg you more vulnerable then, and you
will have to be well-prepared to resist the enemy's strong offense.
In the first period you are the offense. You make your
initiaf advances by stating everything that has ever been wrong
with you, from thel German measles'to homosexuality or what-
ever the case mhay be. You must build up your offense as strong
as' possible because the scores you make here will have to be
enqughi to overcome your opponent's third-period offensive
drive. Therefore, you must build your offense with your defense
in mind. You have to be able to defend your offense against any
Sthird-period penalties. So when you fill out your questionnaire,
be absolutely sure not to overlook anything and be able to def'end
what you say.
The second period is rather a static one. The opponent
brings forth a small offense against which you should offer little
resistance. His offense is extremely weak, and you can easily
overecome it. The Offense consists of several questions about
elementary math and grammar and a mediocre ability to build
boxes, You could very easily answer incorrectly to these questions
because you -will more than likely know the correct answers.
However, you may be severely penalized for this procedure. If
you' arq caught, you immediately forfeit the game.
YOU SHOULD then merely take this brief offensive in
strie and reserve your strength \for the all-important third
At the beginning of the physical period your adversary starts
with ak tedious offense to wear down your resistance. You go
through a boring routine of blood tests, X-rays, urine tests, eye
and ear examinations, and a brief test of your ability to cough
with your opponent applying severe pressure against ,you. For
this last test you must completely expose your offense and you
will be tested from both the front and rear fronts.
This procedure leads you to be quite tired and somewhat
depressed. The opponent has begun his strong offensive by
making you feel ridiculous. It is important that you keep up
your morale. Don't be too defensive when your fronts are being
tested. Show your strength and be as offensive as' possible.
You will then be placed one-on-one against an opponent
that knows all the tricks of the game. It is now that you will be
forced to make your Initial offense stand. He will ask you ques-
tions concerning all the points you scored during the question-
naire period hoping to find some flaw in them. He will not allow
any points you tried to score concerning past defects if' they
do not hold' for the present. For those that do hold, he will
endeavor to make them as unimportant as possible. Your only
defense against this is adequate evidence from other authorities
concerning the validity of your defects. As a note, it is wise to
prepare these in advance of the game.
, IF HE CANNOT overcome this evidence you have won and
you are a loser. You are not fit to serve.
But he may feel that he has bested you and you must pay
the penalty. Your last chance is to appeal to the "referee," name-
ly, the military doctor- who is somewhat biased. If you fail to
convince him, you're really against the wall. You stand a- better
chance of winning against the "referee" because he has more
knowledge' of the rules of the game. He is then more able to tell
if your offensive points are valid.
If he still declares you eligible, your absolute last chance
for this game is during the final period.
In this period you have the opportunity to bring forth an
offensive by listing all the subversive groups you have ever been
associated with. If you are successful in this, the game will be
thrown into an overtime during which you must defend, once,
again any points you have scored. x
In the overtime your opponent may be one of two, or per-
haps both of two, top performers for the opponept. One of these
is called the psychiatrist.. The other is called the FBI agent.
You get to these men by first filling out nother questionnaire.
This enables them to be well-prepared in their offense.
You get to see the FBI agent if your connections with
subversive groups are considered serious. Actually this is just
another technique to wear down your resistance. All he is after
Is information considering completely' different opponents in
a comppletely different game.
HE WILL ASK you a few questions concerning your loyalty
and your conscience. If you are .fortunate, you will be passed
on to the moral waiver unit.
The moral waiver unit makes another overtime. In most
cases this period will consist of the opponent gathering only
'more information and the game will be postponed -to another
place at another time, namely your local draft board for a final
If, in the first overtime, you see the psychiatrist, you stand
a good chance of becoming a loser if you have a letter from an-
other civilian psychiatrist making explicit your degree of in-
stability. You can also become a loser if you have a history of
It should be noted that you will automatically thrown into
this overtime period if you declared yourself a homosexual or
mentioned any psychiatric defects in the first period. If this is
a strong part of your offense, you have a good chance of being
McAuliffe's tenth-inning blast gives Tigers win
By The Associated Press
DETROIT-Dick McAuliffe led
off the bottom of the 10th inning
with his fifth home run of the
season, giving the Detroit Tigers
a 2-1 victory over the Chicago
White Sox last night.
McAuliffe's shot caromed off
the facing of the upper right field
stands. It came off Bob Locker,
2-3, who relieved Tommy John in
the ninth inning and retired
Mickey Stanley with two men
Jim Northrup tied the game
for the Tigers in the seyenth with
a homer, his fifth, into the upper
stands in right.
Until that/-point, John had pro-
tected a 1-0 lead from the fourth
inning on. The Chicago run came
on two walks and Ed Herrmann's
single, his first run batted in of
ST. PAUL - MINNEAPOLIS -
Dave McNally pitched 8 1/3 in-
nings of hitless ball before Cesar
Tovar's single ended h no-hit
bid, but Baltimorewhip ed Min-
nesota 5-0 last night.
SYRACUSE, N.Y. P) -- The
Syracuse Chiefs of the Interna-
tional Baseball League were with-
out a ballpark yesterday after an
early morning general alarm fire
wrecked the main grandstand at.
Cause of the fire, which broke
out about 1 a.m. in a groundklevel
concession stand behind home
plate, was not determined, but of-
ficials said damage to theu35-year-
old, 8,350-seat stadium~ could go
as high as $1 million.,
A spokesman for the Mayor's of-
fice said demolition of the ravaged
section of the city-owned facility
would begin immediately.
Meanwhile, the community-
owned ball club said the team had
rescheduled its home g A m e s
through May 22 and would play at
Buffalo and Toledo instead of
here, but beyond that jwas uncer-
The Chiefs, a Class AAA ,farm
club of the New York Yankees,
lost to Rochester 7-3 Wednesday
night at the stadium.
It also was used by the Syra-
cuse Scorpions of the North Amer-
Major League Standings
WN L Pct.
Baltimore 24 1'?
Boston 20 1
Washington 17 18
Detroit 15 16
New York 13 21
Cleveland 6 22
Oakland 20 11
Minnesota 19 11
Kansas City 16 16
Chicago 13 13
Seattle 13 18
California 11 18
W1' L1. Pet.
Chicago 23 11 .676
Pittsburgh 17 15 .531
New York 15 18 .45a
St. Louis 14 18 .438
Philadelphia 13 17 .433
Montreal 11 18 .367
Atlanta 22 10
San Francisco 19 13
Los Angeles 18 13
Cincinnati 15 17
San Diego 15 21
Houston 13 23
Baltimore 5, Minnesota 0
Kansas City 5, Cleveland 2
Detroit 2, Chicago 1
Other clubs not scheduled
Baltimore at Kansas City, night,
Detroit at Minnesota, night
Washington at Chicago, night
Oakland at Cleveland, night
California at New York, night,
Seattle at Boston, night
Atlanta 6, New York 5
Philadelphia 7, Cincinnati 0
Other clubs not scheduled
Atlanta at Montreal, night
San Francisco at Philadelphia, night
New York at Cincinnati, night,
Chicago at Houston, night
St. Louis at 'San Diego, night
Pittsburgh at Los Angeles, night
Cuccinello to hang up spikes;
Lakers' Hawkins calls it quits
By The Associated Press
! DETROIT--Tony -Cuccinello, 60-year-old third base coach of
the Chicago White Sox, said Wednesday he would retire at the end of
Cuccinello, who was third-base coach for the Detroit Tigers last
year when they won the World Series, planned on retiring at the end
of~~~~ ~ ~ da+ean h+vra nm pt +niin th Whitp Anx staff undpr
DAVE McNALLY, Baltimore's ace left-hander, just missed hurling a no-hitter in his team's 5-0
victory over Minnesota last night. Only a one-out single by the Twins' Cesar Tovar marred Mc-
Nally's performance. McNally, who lead the Orioles' staff last season with 22 wins, upped his record
to 6-0 with last night's win, tops in the majors.
McNally, who won his sixth
straight game, had allowed only
two walks until the ninth and
struck out pinch-hitter George
Mitterwald to open the ninth.
But Tovar rapped a 1-1 pitch
into center field for the spoiling
ingle. Then Rod Carew bounced
into a game-ending double play.
Catcher Andy Etchebarren pro-
vided McNally with all the runs
he needed in the second inning
with a two-out, two-run triple af-
ter Boog Powell and Dave Johnson
Powell singled Paul Blair across'
in the third and the Orioles added
+,,,r. ,... __ _ n .,'
ox last season Dut was persuaaea o jo~n te wue xaaiLm
Aaron's first homer came after scored when first baseman Lee his old friend Manager Al Lopez.
the Braves struck for three sec- May booted Ron Stone's grounder. But Lo ez retired last month for health reasons and coach Don
ond inning runs against Don Cloninger was routed in a three- B
Caldwell. Clete Boyer knocked yin run Philadelphia sixth, which in- Gutteridge took over as manager.
one with a bloop single and Jack- cluded a run-scoring single by * * * *
son brought across the other two Allen, three walks, a wild pitch 0 LOS ANGELES-Forward Ton Hawkins of the Los Angeles
with his triple to right center. and an RBI single by Stone. Lakers said yesterday he is retiring and will join the staff of a local
- - * * television station as- a sports commentator.
The 10-year National Basketball Association veteran, known as
Reds droppedL Tint fulls as tremendous leaper and outstanding defensive player, was the first-
PHILADELPHIA - Rick Wise' KANSAS CITY-Ed Kirkpatrick round draft choice of the Lakers when they were in Minneapolis in
hurled a five-hit shutout and drove' in four runs with a homer 1959. He was traded to the Cincinnati Royals for a future draft choice
Rich Allen and Deron Johnson and sacrifice fly as the expansion in 1962.--
combined for six hits as the Phil- Kansas City Royals trimmed But in 1966 the Lakers purchased Hawkins, who scored 11.5
adelphia Philliesksnapped a six- Cleveland 5-2 last night and hand- points per game, handing out 117 assists and hitting 50.7 per cent
game loscig streak with a 7-0 vic- ed winless Luis Tiat his sevent of his field goal attemts.
tory' over Cincinnati last night. consecutive setback.
two more on Merv Rettenmunds
RBI single in the seventh and Allen hammered his fifth home T a e PHILADELPHIA-Leonard Tose, new owner of the Philadel
Frank Robinson's triple,- and is run and three singles, driving in the American League's earned run 0PHLD PIA eoadTenw werfthPhle-
sacrifice fly by Powell in the two runs and scoring four. John- average leader last season, blanked phia Eagles said today he plans to meet Monday with Joe Kuhariel,
ninth. y y son knocked in the first two runs the Royals for three innings be- the general manager-coach he ousted, to discuss settlement of Ku-
McNally struck out six and pre- with single and double, scoring fore surrendering an unearned harich's contract.
served his no-hitter with a sparkl- Allen both times. run in the fourth when Jerry Kuharich had 10 years to go on a 15-year contract when Tose
ing fielding play in the, fifth when Cnint tre oyCoig Adair, reached on an error by ousted him.
he speared Tony Oliva's line drie er,1-5,npitche yu o b shortstop Larry Brown and scor- "We are prepared to pay the coitract as it is," said Tose. "I on't
off-balance sfter delivering a loaded jams in the first two in- ed on a double by Jim Campais. know what Joe has in mind. He may say I want to go. out on my own,
pitch. nings before the Phillies caught Kirkpatrick his his second home I don't want to be restricted. Then we would settle for X number of
upnwih hi.flenhsinleiesnthe run of the season an inning later dollars."
*up with him. Allen sngled in the following a walk to Pat Kelly and d.* *rs
Ithindstolesecond and scored on Mike Flore's single. He hit his RALEIGH, N.C.-Don DeJardin, general manager of the Caro-
Johnon' sinlesacrifice fly, in the seventh after
/NEW YORK-Hank Aaron hit In the fifth the Phillies added Joe Foy singled, stole second and lina Cougars of the American Basketball Association, says the club
his sixth and seventh homers and two more on Allen's single and a continued to third on catcher Ray got its "prize catch so far" in signing Bill Bunting, North Carolina
Sonny Jackson slammed a two- double by Johnson, who later Fose's throwing error, star forward.
run triple in a 12-hit Atlanta-
attack that carried the Braves to
a 6-5 victory over the New York
Aaron, getting off to his best
start in a dozen yearstcontinued
his hammering with a solo homer
in the third inning that built the
Braves lead to 4-1a then -made it 4964Th AGrtNCANNKO NDES.PAT194,253
6-2 with anther solo in the sev-
enth. He also collected a single. \V/-'/iI
ican Soccer League. His second homer, bringing his
Mario Rossi, president of the career total to 517, turned out to
soccer club, said his team was be decisive when the. Mets chased
looking around for another field, starter Pat Jarvis in a three-run I
possibly Griffin Field in suburban e i g h t h inning uprising that
Liverpool. brought them to within 6-5.
Big Ten extends elgibilty
of 13 injured athletes
LAFAYETTE (P) - The Big Ten
extended varsity eligibility to 13
"hardship cases," including four
football players yesterday.
The conference faculty repre-
sentatives, beginning the annual
spring business session, sanction-
ed another year of competition to
the 13 athletes, mainly on the bas-
is of injuries. -
The football players granted an-
other season includ'ed a pair from
Illinois, defensive halfback D a n
Franklin anq defensive guard Karl
Pnazek, and two from Minnesota,
linebacker Tom Simon and guard
Also given an extra season was
a seven-fopt basketball player
from Wisconsin, Eino Henrickson,
who missed six weeks of school be-
cause of a back injury.
Other cases approved w e r e
swimmer Bill Burrell of Indiana;
wrestler P h 11 Henning of Iowa;
wrestler Tom Muir, track m a n
Charles Pollard, gymnast Mark
Anthony and soccer player Gary
Tieman, a 11 of Michigan State;
wrestler Jim Martin of Minnesota,
a n d swimmer Jeff Jackman of
T h e main business item, dis-
cussion of the conference ban on
use of athletic facilities by pro
teams, will c o n e up at today's
joint meeting of the faculty group
and the athletic directors.
In other action at yesterday's
meeting, the Big Ten rejected a
proposal to add a $15 a month al=
lowance for athletes receiving fi-
T h e proposal, matching an
NCAA maximum, was mades by the
University of Iowa where striking
black athletes listed t he $15 a
month incidental as one of their
Marcus Plant, faculty repre-
sentative from Michigan and sec-
retary of the faculty group, said
the faculty men felt "the student-
athletes ought to make some con-
tribution to their own college up-
Plant said there was a divided
vote, which he did not disclose, on
A HILLEL FOLKSING
-With BOB STARK'
PIZZA at 6:30
SINGING at 7:00
Brina Your Guitars, Sitars,