TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 1966
THE MICHIGAN DAILY
PAGE
' NE
...._.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 30, 1966 THE MICHIGAN DAILY
insights and insults_______
CHUCK VETZNER
A Primer an What's
Prime at Michigan
This column is dedicated to the class of 1970, new transfers, vet-
eran academia clan members who tend to forget, and dear old alums
who drink fast, early, and often.
The subject is a reverent one and should not be treated with the
same frivolity as orientation pamphlets, 30 page term papers, a col-
league's newly published book, and your draft status. People, this
column is what the University of Michigan is for and all about.
Humbly, I begin my interpretation of "Correct Ethical Standards for
Conduct and Procedure at Home Football Games in Michigan Sta-
dium."
By way of introduction, let me get one thing straight. Michigan
football is not a game. It's an institution and a way of life.
BUYING TICKETS. One rule applies. Everyone buys unless you
can get one free. Failure to attend a home game is excusable only if
you intend to ravage Ann Arbor that afternoon. This, incidentally,
is a rather easy feat because everyone else is at the game except the
cops who are directing the resulting traffic jam. Honest souls who
choose not to attend are advised to hide in the Undergraduate Li-
brary to avoid being seen.
PRE-GAME RITUAL. Nobody just sits around studying, smoking
pot, or engaging in other normel activities prior to the game. Foot-
ball Saturday means just that.
Alarm clocks should be set to go off no later than 9 a.m. At
this time, every student is obliged to turn his record player in
the direction of the Law Quad and play "Hal to the Victors" 73
consecutive times with highest treble, bass, and volume possible.
This not only sets a mood for the game, but is a rhythmic method
for thumbing your nose at budding attorneys who attend classes
on the day of days. True, other schools hold Saturday morning
educational exercises, but these are generally regarded as auto-
matic cuts.
Another vital custom is usually performed approximately an hour
before game time. It's called mixing-up a batch of whiskey sour.
Usually it goes under a code name such as apple cider. This activity
should be planned in advance so as to insure all necessary ingre-
dients are available, regardless of age. It also affects another facet of
football Saturday.
DRESS. There is no one outfit universally condemned or accepted
although full length madras pants are on their way out. It is impor-
tant for athletes who participate in sports other than football to
wear identifying letter sweaters. Admittedly, they are still several
notches beneath football players, but at least they are distinguished
from ordinary males.
Wear loose fitting or baggy garments. After all, there's no sense
for everyone to know you're bringing "apple cider" to the game.
DATING. Social standards are extremely flexible. But those men
who accompany a girl to the game must follow certain rigid regu-
lations. Couples must talk about football exclusively. Freshman coeds
who know little about the sport are usually safe asking, "Which one's
Ward." The boy can take over from there.
Frequently, however, girls become rabid fans and display a
stunning knowledge of the game. If the boy should find himself
less informed than his date, he can counter with an oblique fact
such as "Michigan will never go all the way if Elliott keeps play-
ing conservative football." The main risk here is a 75-yard touch-
down pass on the first play of the game.
Equally strict aremoral standards. Necking and similar past-
times are strictly forbidden, but there are ways of getting around
this. Couples may kiss after a touchdown and embrace after a field
goal, blocked punt, or interception. But donot hold hands during a
M sustained drive.
GAME TACTICS. Just as the coach uses certain strategy to win,
the hedonistic fan must have certain tactics to achieve complete en-
joyment of the game. One key maneuver is arriving at least one half
hour before kickoff. This is done to sneak into seats ten rows closer
to the field than the ones you actually purchased. When the real seat
occupants arrive, apologize for your blunder, and slide in toward the
' 50-yard line.
The timing for purchase of refreshments is also crucial. If bUyng
only beverages leave with 53 seconds left in the half. Those partial
to hot dogs must exit 34 seconds earlier. This will allow you enough
time to return just as the band begins its show.
FAN PARTICIPATION. True, the crowd is there to spectate, but
we all have some athlete in us and every ticket holder gets a chance
to release his excess energy. Above all, remain silent while cheerlead-
ers vainly attempt to provoke the crowd into bellows of "Let's Go
Blue." Such sentiments may be voiced spontaneously, but recognition
of the cheerleaders' position would be de facto acceptance of its all
male nature.
POST GAME FESTIVITIES. The variety of these activities is too
numerous to mention. In general, following a win, students look happy
as they prepare to frug or neck. Alumni look happy as they prepare
to drink. After a loss, students look sad as they prepare to frug
and neck while alumni look sad as they prepare to drink.
Should Wolverine wins far outnumber the losses, festivities
also include a study of road maps for the best route to Pasadena.
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