Friday, October 10, 1969 THE MICHIGAN DAILY Page Nine GRID ORGY: r Libels ready hapless uac to ravish muggers By JOHN STROPS Will the uac muggers show up today? This is the question plagu- ing the Daily Libels, grid division of the Revolutionary Vanguard Elite. Clarence "Biggie" Copi, some-; tme coach of the fierce Libel squad, and who threatens to play: if "my wife will let me out," said "We're gonna be out at Wines Field at 5:00 this afternoon, but I'm really worried about t h o s e honkie mugger slobs getting up the guts to show up. "We've murdered them 78 years in a row now, and I just don't know if those pansies can take it any more. It would be a bad psychological blow to my boys to have to forget about this o n e. They've been high for two weeks now." Fans may remember that mug- ger spy, Rod Robert, begged off last week atfer witnessing a typi- cal Libel practice session in which killer tackle, center, receiver, etc., Ron "Loathsome" Landsman be- came excited and bit a police dog to death when it tried to r u n through a team huddle. But Landsman is not the only maniac the Libels will field today. The undefeated, untried, and un- scored upon (in 78 years, ofI cours,) football steamroller also boasts of the nation's top quar- terback, Jelly Bean Neubacher. Neubacher threw for 50,067 yards and ran for 21,098 more in last season's 6-12 whitewash of the muggers. At split end will be the nation's fastest, strongest, quic ke s t, smoothest, to say nothing of his sticky fingers, pass-catcher ever, DT's Cusumano. "We ain't fooling around this year," said the mo- dest star, as he honed the edges of his baseball spikes with a file. "We've been bombed on South- 'rn Comfort for three weeks try- ing to get in shape to take this bloodbath seriously." Cusumano claims he owes every- thing he is today to his scienti- fic drinking and smoking program he has followed religiously since he was 13. While Cusumano is running cir- cles around the mugger "defense," and the term "defense" is used daily sports NIGHT EDITOR: PAT ATKINS loosely, two other potential All- Americans will be helping to per- petrate the cruel joke. Hopalong Hannes, a 9.2 wind-aided sprinter is set to languish in the end zone waiting for a few long bombs to come his way. Opening the middle of the mugger "defense" from his center spot will be ferocious "Monster Man" O'Donoghue. The stingy Libel defense, which leads the nation in all depart- ments is headed Foxy Forrester. "We haven't figured out what we re going to do yet," he said yes- terday, "but they don't have a damn thing and I hear they don't even plan to bring their billy clubs, so why get all worked up about it? As soon as I smell the odor of their pig hides, the defensive alignment will come to." When Forrester was told that the muggers plan to start three avovew fascist including Curt "Bomb the Commies" Dismay, he exclaimed, "By God, if those finko rats want to cheat again this year, they've had it. I'm going to throw my LSA Building defense at 'em. Just let 'em try to gain one yard!" The only doubtful starter for today's "contest" is Buster Block, who was the only one of the 107 who couldn't raise bail. "We may take up a collection on the Diag at noon today," said Coach Copi, "if the Concerned Citizens of Ann Arbor don't come through." As for the uac game plans, a team spokesman said, "I don't know anything about any game with the Libels. I didn't even know those brilliant newspapermen had a team." It was learned by the Daily late yesterday, however, that the lying I mugger child molesters have been feverishly plotting deep within the uac building since early this year. One wonders why they should even bother, but as DT's' said, "Losers are always wel- come." A throng of 50,000 screaming' idiots is expected at the game to- day, but Copi warned all onlookers of a recent court injunction. "The, injunction stipulates that anyone heard saying a good word about, the uac dogs will be beaten over the head and busted for conten- tion. "The local hanging judges feel1 so strongly about this," he added, "that offenders will be lucky to I get off with 399 solitary years ini I Sheriff Honky's dog house." uac muggers plta rattack I . I Gridde Pickings As the communication from uac which ran in this space yester- day proves, the uac muggers have once again turned on their tails and are on the run before the mighty Daily Libels. Since the mug- gers know that they will be ignomiously defeated this afternoon on the football field, they have resorted to the only tactic left, a smear campaign. However, as those who read the uac communique know, the muggers are no better at writing hate letters than they are at playing football. They are even worse at writing gridde pickings. An example of their incompetence, a paid advertisement with their putrid gritty picks head, runs on page eight. The muggers failed miserably in their attempt to act nasty, demonstrating only that they are illiterate as well as ignorant. If they can find enough courage in whatever it is they drink from those brown paper bags to show up today, they will only show how stupid they really are. In the event that any muggers are able to walk at the conclusion of today's festivities, The Daily will send them complimentary tickets to the next Johnny Carson performance on campus. For those mug- gers not fortunate enough to walk away from the altercation, con- tributions to the mugger memorial fund may be sent to The Daily where proceeds will be used to help celebrate the people's triumph. It makes any sedan as big _as our Squareback sedan. Murtaugh, Anderson receive head baseball licenses early By The Associated Pres i t { 4 Without it, none comes close. The Volkswagen Squareback Sedan has 31.2 cu. ft. of carrying space. (48.9 with its rear seat down.) The next biggest sedan has only 22.1 cu' ft. (And a good part of that is taken up by the spare.) Of course, we admit the difference doesn't matter if you're carrying only a suitcase or two. But let's say you're out and you find a good deal on an antique chest that's about 5' long. Or a stereo console that's cash and carry. What do you do? With any other sedan, you get a U-Haul. With theVW Squareback, you haul it. PITSBURGH chewing Danny - Tobacco-! Murtaugh, the! only manager to give the Pitts- burgh Pirates a world champion since 1927, was again named man- ager of the National League club yesterday. The announcement came in a haze of secrecy aboard the Gate- way Clipper, a paddlewheel boat that inched its way across the Allegheny River to the new Three Rivers Stadium. Murtaugh retired after seven years of managing in 1964 due to ill health, but General Manager Joe E. Brown said he is now phy- sically fit. "He assured me he is physically sound," Brown said. The 52-year-old Murtaugh has been in chal'ge of the Pirate rookie instructional league and develop- inent of players for the past three years. He also served as interim: manager when Harry Walker was tired in 1966. He succeeds Larry Shepard, who was fired four games before the 1969 season ended. The Pirates. with four players batting over .300, linished in third place, 12 games' behind the New York Mets. "I wasn't mentally equipped to manage the club when I came back the last time," Murtaugh said aboard the boat. Brown said there w ere four other "outstanding candidates fori the job," but he wouldn't name them. They were believed to have been Don Hoak, Bill Virdon, Alex! Granmas and perhaps Bob Skin-; Anderson in CINCINNATI---George "Sparky" Ande-rson. who guided minor ,;; This weekend in Sports 1. Purdue at MICHIGAN 2. Michigan State at OHIO STATE 3. Minnesota at INDIANA 4. IOWA at Wisconsin 5. Northwestern at ILLINOIS 6. COLORADO at Iowa State 7. GEORGIA at Mississippi 8. KANSAS STATE at Kansas 9. Clemson at AUBURN 10. AIR FORCE at North Carolina 11. Kentucky at VIRGINIA TECII 12. Nebraska at MISSOURI 13. Navy at PITTSBURGH 14. North Carolina State at SOUTH CAROLINA 15. TEXAS vs. Oklahoma at Dallas 16. West Virginia at PENN STATE 17. Stanford at USC, night 18. Georgia Tech at TENNESSEE 19. Texas A&M at TEXAS TECH 20. DAILY LIBELS vs. uac muggers Howard Cooper Volkswagen INC. AUTHORIZED DEALERt TODAY CROSS COUNTRY-Notre Dame Invitational at Notre Dame. FOOTBALL-Daily Libels vs uac muggers, Wines Field, 5:00 p.m. TOMORROW FOOTBALL-Purdue at Michigan Stadium, 1:30 p.m. RUGBY-Detroit at Ferry Field, 3:00 p.m. SOCCER-Kentucky at Wines Field, 10:00 a.m. league teams to four pennants in eral manager. Howsam came to five years, was appointed yester- Cincinnati from St. Louis in 1957. day as the Cincinnati Reds man- "I will be fair to Sparky, just as ager one day after Dave Bristol I believe I was fair to Dave Bristol. was released. I gave Dave a two-year contract Anderson, who becomes the ma- so he would have no worry about jor league's youngest manager at his job. All he had to do was pay the age of 35, coached San Diego attention to the game." this year and only Wednesday was In describing his qualificationsj named a coach for the California for the post, Anderson commented,I Angels "I never leave anything for "I appreciate the opportunity granted.' here," Anderson said at a news The 35-year-old Anderson re- conference. "This is a very talent- ceived a one-year contract. His ed ball club. You have to have salary was not disclosed. talent to win a pennant." Bristol, 36, was let go after Robert Howsam, vice president and general manager, said he felt the Reds needed a managerial d change. Howsam offered Bristol a fr'ont office position. Howsam introduced Anderson. saying that he "has an excellent 300 S record in handling and condition- ing of pitchers. We sincerely feel ihe has the potential to become one of the league's premier man- agers. Anderson's minor league teams won four straight pennants and each year, the farm club was anJA affiliate of a major league team of which Howsam served as gen-' 2575 So. State St., Ann Arbor 0 Open Mon. & Thurs. till 9 P.M. Phone 761-3200 Overseas Delivery Available BILL CUSUMANO, Associate Sports Editor: (43-17, .717) - Purdue, Ohio State, Indiana, Iowa, Northwestern, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas State, Au- burn, Air Force, Virginia Tech, Missouri, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Texas, Penn State, Stanford, Tennessee, Texas Tech, DAILY LIBELS. JIM FORESTER, Associate Sports Editor: (26-14, .650) - MICHIGAN, Ohio 'State, Indiana, Iowa, Illinois, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas State, Auburn. Air Force, Virginia Tech, Missouri, Pittsburgh,, South Carolina, Texas, Penn State, USC, Tennessee, ''exas A&M, DAILY LIBELS. ROBIN WItIGIIT, issociate Sports Editor: (41-19, .683) - MICHIGAN, Ohio State, Indiana, Iowa, Illinois. Colorado, Georgia, Kansas State, Auburn, Air Force, Virginia Tech, Missouri, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Texas, Penn State, USC, Tennessee, Texas Tech, DAILY LI:ELS. JOEL BLOCK Sports Editor: (43-17, .717) - MICHIGAN, Ohio State, In- diana, Iowa, Illinois, Iowa State, Mississippi, Kansas, Auburn, Air Force, Virginia Tech, Nebraska, Navy, South Carolina, Texas, Penn State, Stanford, Georgia Tech, Texas Tech, DAILY LIBELS. ANDY BARBAS, Executive Sports Editor: (42-18, .700) - MICHIGAN, Ohio State, Indiana, Iowa, Illinois, Colorado, Georgia, Kansas State, Auburn, Air Force, Virginia Tech, Missouri, Pittsburgh, South Carolina, Texas, Penn State, Stanford, Tennessee, Texas Tech, DAILY LIBELS. imnt records inc. . State-1235 S. University LS ARE AT IT AGAIN!I TfiE1ZZ"ELRSE!fl4' 0 A good cry cleanses the. soul S LAURA PURDUE-MICHIGAN FOOTBALL 011 WCBN . On c O B U m D 1 After all is shed and done, your soul may be saved ... but your contacts need help. They need Len- sine. 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