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addiction, this is accomplished by pledging to 
never repeat the hurtful action or behavior and 
making the changes necessary to keep the com-
mitment and become a positive force in the world.
“We have to start living differently,” Rabbi 
Greenwald said, “and we have to look forward, 
not back.”

HOW TO FORGIVE
The Twelve Step program involves making 
amends to people the individual has harmed. 
Often, after recognizing their own role in a con-
flict, the recovering person ends up apologizing to 
someone on their “resentment list,” which leads to 
mutual forgiveness and ends lingering grudges.
“It takes courage to forgive,” Rabbi Greenwald 
said, “to give up control and let go of anger and 
resentment.”
One year after the crash that took the lives of 
Weinstein’s wife, Judy, and sons, Sam and Alex, 
Weinstein visited the driver, Tom Wellinger, in a 
local prison where he was serving a 19- to 30-year 
sentence for three counts of second-degree mur-
der. 
The first thing he did was ask about his kids. 
When Wellinger apologized and asked for forgive-
ness, Weinstein asked him whether he could for-
give himself. For Weinstein, forgiveness was nec-
essary to move on with his life. When Wellinger 
was eligible for parole, Weinstein recommended 
his release. 
“The weight of holding onto resentment is far 
heavier than the benefits of releasing yourself and 
forgiving,” Weinstein said. “I’m freed up.”
Weinstein said it was easy to forgive Wellinger 
because he had alcoholism, a medically recog-
nized disease.
“It’s hard to hold resentment toward someone 
who is sick,” he said.
He admitted it might be more challenging with 
someone who caused harm intentionally, but he 
believes he would ultimately find a way to forgive 
in that situation as well. 
“I’m basically a lover, not a fighter,” he said, 
“and forgiveness is the grace you’re giving your-
self.”
Rabbi Tamara Kolton, Ph.D., offers a broader 
perspective on forgiveness, believing it is essential 
to our survival as a species. 
“We live in a world where peo-
ple are increasingly angry and have 
increasing access to weaponry,” she 
said, “and forgiveness, while it feels 
incredibly personal, is also global 
and it is the biggest challenge that we 
face today. But for life to persist there 

must be forgiveness.”
She lauded the compassion expressed by 
Jonathan Polin and Rachel Goldberg-Polin, whose 
son, Hersh, was taken hostage on Oct. 7 and sub-
sequently executed by Hamas-led terrorists.
“I do not know how a family whose child has 
been murdered can forgive, but I saw that kind of 
stellar human being in Hersh’s parents when they 
spoke before the Democratic convention and in 
our own Gary Weinstein,” she said. 
She also wants people to understand that for-
giveness does not always come quickly or easily. 
“There is this idea that all of a sudden, we have 
to forgive, but I don’t think forgiveness works 
that way. I think forgiveness is a long process that 
takes time, certainly if there’s been a significant 
wound,” she added.
Children forgive more quickly than adults 
because they would rather be happy than right, 
according to the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel of 
Lubavitch. 
“Forgiveness does not take away responsibility 
and accountability when a person hurts someone 
else,” Kolton said. “What it does do, however, is 
take away the pain and suffering that you are feel-
ing over being hurt.”
The same concept can apply to making an apol-
ogy, even when you believe you are right. Shapiro 
used the example of a family member who was 
hurt by the way she portrayed him in one of her 
books. Instead of arguing about whether she was 
entitled to decide what she writes, she chose to 
listen as he explained how blindsided and hurt he 
felt. She then apologized and promised to show 
him anything she wrote about him in the future 
before it was published. 

FORGIVENESS WITH BOUNDARIES
Some people balk at forgiving a person who con-
tinues to be hurtful, but Rabbi Greenwald said it 
is possible to forgive without becoming a victim 
or remaining in a toxic relationship. 
The Twelve Step program suggests treating 
individuals who are abusive or detrimental the 
same way one would treat someone who is phys-
ically ill, with compassion rather than criticism. 
This is also a powerful way to let go of resent-
ments, which harm the angry person more than 
the recipient. 
However, forgiving does not mean putting one-
self in harm’s way. Sometimes it is necessary to set 
boundaries, create distance or even cut off contact 
with certain people without anger or resentment. 

FORGIVING OURSELVES 
Rabbi Greenwald believes it is important to 
include ourselves in the process of granting and 
seeking forgiveness, to realize the things we (or 
others) do are not always a reflection of our true 
essence. 
“When we come to a point where we can look 
back and realize our bad experiences made us 
better, we experience joy,” he said.
Kolton agrees it is essential to treat ourselves 

with the same compassion we afford others by 
practicing self-forgiveness.
“We are so hard on ourselves. I believe we are 
all doing the very best we can do on any given 
day,” she said. “We’re not doing the best; we’re 
doing our best. And one of the greatest gifts you 
can give yourself for the New Year is compassion 
and understanding.” 

Rabbi 
Tamara 
Kolton

Gary Weinstein, 
Laura Berman 
and author 
Susan Shapiro

