4 | OCTOBER 3 • 2024 
J
N

PURELY COMMENTARY

commentary

Finding Our Way from Grief to Light
J

ewish tradition has a series 
of guidelines and steps that 
helps mourners through the 
initial, overwhelming and surreal 
pain of first losing a loved one to the 
period at the end of a 
year, when they can 
once again begin to 
live meaningfully and 
joyfully. They still carry 
the feeling of loss, but 
hopefully it is a little 
lighter because the 
community is carrying 
it with them.
Each of these stages of mourning 
come in succession. The period of 
time between the death of a loved one 
and the funeral is known as aninut, 
wherein the only responsibility of the 
mourners is to plan the funeral and 
take care of themselves, so they are 
not completely depleted before the 
service. There is shivah, where the 
mourner sits surrounded by loved 
ones after the funeral and shares the 
stories that will slowly bring healing. 
There is shloshim, the 30-day period 
that represents a re-emergence into 
the world. There is Yahrzeit and the 
end of Kaddish, where we reflect on 
our loved ones and fully re-embrace 
our lives.
Ever since Oct. 7, we have been 
locked in an endless cycle of all these 
stages of grief at the same time, and it 
is hard to see a way out.
We weep every day for those whose 
lives were lost and for those who we 
don’t know whether they are alive. 
We weep for their families who know 
their loved ones will never return 
and for those who are shattered by 
waiting for any news. We weep for 
those whose home will never be the 
same and for those who no longer 
feel they have a home. We weep for 
our children in America who are 
experiencing the hatred we thought 
had vanished years ago, and we weep 
for all innocent children. We weep 

for those who do not know how 
to protect their children. We weep 
because so many that we stood with 
now stand against us.
I am filled with fear and anger 
and deep sadness more often now 
than almost any other time in my 
life. Rabbi Nachman, one of my core 
spiritual guides, teaches that all of 
the world is a narrow bridge, but the 
essence of life comes from not living 
by our fears.
We are so angry and hurt. We are 
filled with rage. We want vengeance 
and revenge. I feel the same way. 
My role is to remind us that 
though the desire for vengeance is 
understandable, acting on it destroys 
societies.
Vengeance is reserved for God 
alone. People who commit terror 
must be brought to justice and must 
pay for what they did. This includes 
Jews who commit crimes. One law. 
Mishpat echad.
I refuse to live by my anger and 
fear, though they are real, and instead 
choose to live by love, understanding, 
compassion and kindness. It is what 
gives me strength to get through each 
day and to help others do so, too.
Leonard Cohen wrote, “There is a 

crack, a crack in everything. That’s 
how the light gets in.”
Our hearts are broken, our 
assumptions are shattered, but there 
is light within us waiting to get out, 
to unite with each other and to create 
a world where we are safe and free. 
Our ancestors never gave up. We will 
never give up. We will never give in to 
hate. We will never forget who we are. 
Let us hold each other up.
It is really hard to always try to do 
the right thing, to show compassion 
when none is offered us, to give of 
our gifts when they are not appreci-
ated, to stand with others when they 
abandon us.
There are things we can do. 
Support organizations you believe 
in. Support politicians who reflect 
your values. Go to Israel if you love 
it. Go to Israel if you don’t. You might 
be very surprised. Go to services, 
even if it is just to be together. We 
come together so our hearts can beat 
together. It doesn’t matter whether 
you understand all or any of the 
words. As my late beloved teacher 
Rabbi Kagan said, “The heart under-
stands even when the head does not.”
When the world feels like a dor 
chorban, a generation of destruction, 

we can be a dor binyan, a generation 
that builds for the future. We may 
never see the outcomes of our deci-
sions in our lifetimes, but I know they 
will make the world better for those 
who come after us.
This is a painful time for us, but we 
have to remember it is still a beautiful 
time to be Jewish. We are a communi-
ty and a people that has gone through 
so much, yet still prays for peace, 
that still works every day to make the 
world better not only for ourselves 
and our descendants, but for all peo-
ple. As long as we remember that, our 
descendants will remember us as a 
blessing.
In Israel, Shemini Atzeret, the day 
of Yizkor and mourning, and Simchat 
Torah, the day of rejoicing in the 
Torah, are both celebrated on the 
same day. On Oct. 7, we mourned, 
but our celebration turned to horror 
and fear.
We will continue to sit with our 
pain and sorrow, not knowing when 
it will end. But it will end, and we will 
rise up and dance again. Never give 
up. Am Yisrael Chai. 

Rabbi Aaron Bergman is a spiritual leader at 

Adat Shalom Synagogue in Farmington Hills.

Rabbi Aaron 
Bergman

