38 | OCTOBER 3 • 2024 J
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usan Shapiro grew up in Michigan, moved 
to New York after graduating from the 
University of Michigan and married TV 
and film writer Charlie Rubin. In the midst of 
all that, she has written articles for widely read 
periodicals and text for some 20 books while also 
teaching adult writing classes.
Throughout her varied experiences, 
Shapiro has kept Judaism as a signifi-
cant part of her thinking and practices 
and has written about that as well.
During this High Holiday season, 
Shapiro is addressing issues surround-
ing the topic of Yom Kippur (Day of 
Atonement). Her recently released 
paperback book, titled The Forgiveness Tour: How 
to Find the Perfect Apology, has been a matter of 
discussion at Temple Israel. 
The author-teacher, who usually returns to her 
home state in summers to visit family, returned 
this year to discuss follow-up experiences that 
affect what is covered in both the hard and soft-
cover editions of the book with a subject pertinent 
to Yom Kippur.
Although the only change in the paperback is 
the cover illustration, she wants people to know 
the essence of her research and experiences at the 
time of writing and since then. 
“The hardcover book came out in the middle of 
the pandemic in 2021, and we were restricted in 
doing in-person events,” Shapiro said. “It was kind 
of limited. When we talked about doing a paper-
back, we talked about it being more relevant now. 
“With so much divisive political stuff in the 
country, I made the argument that this was even 
a better time for the book to come out. I had time 
to focus on it, and I think the paperback is doing 
much better than the hardcover did.”
While Shapiro describes a four-step plan for 
apologizing and saving relationships, she also 
describes believing there are occasions when apol-
ogies should not be considered. Avoiding apolo-
gies can be appropriate, she has expressed, when 
the persons involved present possible dangers in 
the future.
In preparing her book, Shapiro interviewed 
religious leaders, therapists and people affected by 
the lack of satisfactory apologies. Important to her 

topic were talks with Rabbi Joseph Krakoff, who 
holds a leadership position with the local Jewish 
Hospice and Chaplaincy Network, and Gary 
Weinstein, a local forgiveness activist who forgave 
the drunk driver who killed his wife and two chil-
dren. 
“I spent 10 years writing and researching this 

book, and I’m very pro-therapy,” she said, explain-
ing that during the holiday time, Oct. 2-15, the 
price will be 99 cents below its usual selling price 
of $18.99. 
“It took a long time for me to shape the book 
into something that could help people. The nuanc-
es of forgiveness became more prominent, and I 
just wrote a piece for the Washington Post on times 
that you should not forgive.” 

FOUR STEPS TO APOLOGIZING
The four apology tiers involve not being aggres-
sive. People can’t base an apology on being defen-
sive if they want to generate a healing process, she 
explained.
Instead, it is recommended that those offering 
apologies describe how they really messed up in 
terms of the incident, reveal the personal circum-
stances that made that happen, show how it will 
never happen again and offer a reparation.
“I learned that if you want to fix an estrange-
ment, a full-fledged apology can help a ton,” she 
said and offered an example from her own life.
A friend asked her to read and edit the woman’s 
memoir about surviving cancer, and when Shapiro 
refused based on being too busy, the friend slipped 
away.
“
After I realized what a full-fledged apology is 
and how healing it is, I decided to apologize to 
her in a better way,” Shapiro said. “I explained I’m 
so sorry I blew you off when you were telling me 
something really important. I was having a rough 
time myself, and that made me less sensitive than I 
normally am. 
“I would never want to undermine your achieve-
ment, and I’m proud of you for writing this book. 
I would love to see it and, as a reparation, I have 
these classes of writing groups. Would you be able 
to come? We would be able to workshop some of 
your pages, and I could help you with it.
“She said, ‘Susie, I’d love to,’ using my childhood 
nickname. We were OK again.”
Shapiro’s book offers many details on incidents 
of apologies and forgiveness.
“If you really decide that you want to reconcile, 
there’s a way to do it,” she said. “It happens when 
you’re really listening and caring about the other 
person’s hurt.” 

Local author’s new paperback describes a four-step plan.
Finding the Perfect Apology

Susan 
Shapiro

SUZANNE CHESSLER CONTRIBUTING WRITER

YOM KIPPUR

“I LEARNED THAT IF 

YOU WANT TO FIX AN 
ESTRANGEMENT, 
A FULL-FLEDGED APOLOGY 

CAN HELP A TON.”

— SUSAN SHAPIRO

