30 | SEPTEMBER 26 • 2024

the pain or at least keep him company, if he never felt
abandoned, then the groove that’s cut into that child’s
vinyl record is: There is someone out there who takes care
of me. I’m never alone. It’s all going to be OK. That’s the
song that plays over and over again throughout his
life, and this thought process eventually creates the
ability to self-soothe.
I have to give tremendous credit to my parents.
They took care of me when I was younger and
shaped a very courageous person. I have such strong
music inside my head telling me that everything is
going to be OK that I often have to consciously guard
myself against walking into dangerous situations,
because I rarely feel that I’m in danger. I feel that
everything is going to be fine, because that’s the
music that was cut into my vinyl record. Everything
is going to be OK, because my parents took care of
me.
If I want to teach someone to self-soothe, I have to
instill in him that everything is going to be OK. It’s
the exact opposite of what many people are told to do
nowadays: Ignore the child and let him cry himself
to sleep.
Prolonging a child’s fear and hysteria is really the
basis for what they call sleep training. But many stud-

ies show that the child who stops screaming doesn’t
sleep better. He just has gone into what we call a state
of learned helplessness. He doesn’t believe anyone
will come to him, and he, therefore, has no reason
to cry. The music that has been cut into his vinyl
grooves is: You’re always alone and no one will rescue you,
so crying is pointless.
Imagine what this can do to a person’s ability to
daven when he gets older. If at a deep, visceral level
you were taught that if you cry no one is going to
come, no one is listening, you’re alone, then as an
adult you will continue to feel what you learned as
a child, which is that no one is out there, no one is
listening, and there is no point in crying out. You
won’t cry out to Hashem because your parents were
the model for Hashem in your life as a child, so in
your heart of hearts you don’t believe that anyone will
come help you.
This barrier can be overcome, of course, if a person
wants to improve his davening, but psychologically it
could be a deeply rooted issue, one that began when
the child’s cries were ignored.
If we want to truly teach our children to self-
soothe, we must take the opposite approach and
comfort them. Don’t ignore them, comfort them.
I am aware that some experts advise parents to
let infants “cry it out” at certain ages. This approach
started to become popular in the 1980s. Researchers
noticed that children who were ignored and cried it

out eventually stopped crying. The researchers saw
this as evidence that the children had learned to self-
soothe. However, many experts today say that the
researchers misinterpreted the evidence, and really
those children were traumatized and forced into a
state of learned helplessness. Essentially, they slipped
into despair, so they didn’t cry for help. A lot of dam-
age was done to those children.
Today, many psychologists draw a parallel between
the children who were ignored in Eastern European
orphanages and experienced psychological damage
through that isolation, and infants who were “sleep
trained” and ignored regardless of how much pain or
fear they were experiencing.
From experience with my own children and
decades of advising other parents, it’s clear to me that
adults are able to self-soothe best if their parents were
there for them in infancy.
Now, there are different types of cries, and I do not
believe you should pull your child out of the crib for
every single type of cry. In To Kindle a Soul, I discuss
this subject and the different types of cries. You can
check there and get precise instructions.

Rabbi Leib (Lawrence) Kelemen is the founder and current Rosh

Kollel of the Center for Kehillah Development, a leadership devel-

opment project devoted to the growth and wellbeing of Jewish

communities worldwide. Questions and Answers with Rabbi Leib

Keleman is available at artscroll.com for $26.99.

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Unlike other fi
rms, all work on your account is kept in-house

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As featured on:
Need Help with an IRS or State Tax Problem?

Call the experts at

1-800-TAX-LEVY (829-5389)

• Tax Liens
• Collection Notices
• Penalties
• Unfi
led Tax Returns
• Audits

Call us today to answer your questions
or to schedule a meeting and say
goodbye to those sleepless nights!

1-800-TAX-LEVY (829-5389)
www.levytaxhelp.com

We Listen …. We Care … We Help!

HQ: 28400 Southf
eld Road., Lathrup Village, Michigan 48076

S.D.: Owed the IRS $207,214.
With our help, the case was
settled for $7352.

D.D.: Client owed the IRS
$110,203. Our f
rm negotiated an
Offer in Compromise to settle the
debt for $12,226.

L.J.: With our assistance, client’s
IRS debt of $1,014,078 was
reduced to $100,490.

Let our team of Attorneys, CPAs, Tax Consultants and former IRS Revenue Of
cers provide you with
immediate relief from IRS and State tax problems.

Why Choose Levy & Associates to help with your tax problems?

•
22 years of specializing in tax resolution and working with the IRS and

State Taxing Authorities

•
We have helped thousands of clients nationwide to save tens of millions of

dollars each year!

•
Unlike other fi
rms, all work on your account is kept in-house

•
A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau

Sincerely,

Lawrence B. Levy, President

AS FEATURED IN:

Need Help with an IRS
or State Tax Problem?

We Listen...
We Care...
We Help!

Results will vary based upon clients financial condition.

Let our team of Attorneys, CPAs, Tax Consultants and former
IRS Revenue Officers provide you with immediate relief.

Why Choose Levy & Associates to help with
your tax problems?

• 22 years of specializing in tax resolution and working with the IRS and
State Taxing Authorities

• We have helped thousands of clients nationwide to save tens of
millions of dollars each year!

• A+ rating with the Better Business Bureau

1.800.TAX.LEVY
www.levytaxhelp.com

CALL US TODAY
TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS OR TO SCHEDULE A MEETING
AND SAY GOODBYE TO THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS!

Tax Liens | Collection Notices
Penalties | Audits | Unfiled Tax Returns

M.F. Owed the State of Michigan $100,578. With our help,
the case was settled for $100.

R.N. Owed the IRS $709,000. Our firm negotiated an Offer
in Compromise to settle the debt for $1,000.

S.F. With our assistance, client’s IRS debt of $207,663
was reduced to $5,837.

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