1942 - 2024
Covering and Connecting
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6 | JUNE 27 • 2024
J
N
I
’ve always been a bit awkward
about the concept of shivah
houses. As the comedian
Modi jokes, it’s when we go to
a houseful of mourners, pepper
them with ridiculous amounts
of food, stare at
them in their most
vulnerable, painful
moments and ask
dumb personal
questions.
On May 13,
2024, after two
months of being
in a coma, my
kind, gentle, warm, genuine
36-year-old brother Yehuda Leib
Greenwald had a cardiac arrest
and passed away. It was the first
time my siblings and I were
required to sit shivah, which we
did along with our parents. Here’s
some of what we learned:
• This shivah stuff, there’s
actually a point to it. The
constant stream of visitors at
what feels like a family reunion
can be a distraction from the
sharp pain of a such a shocking
and terrible loss. Shivah can be a
cushion to catch that initial blow.
• People climb out of the
woodwork to pay their respects
and, while it’s appreciated, it’s
definitely a bit strange at times.
One vaguely familiar lady looked
me in the eye and earnestly
informed me, “I’m good friends
with your sister Rochel.
” I had
to break it to her gently: “I AM
Rochel.
” I hadn’t seen her in more
than 30 years!
• Jews speak with food.
It’s incredibly helpful to not
have to worry about grocery
shopping, meal prep or even
start thinking, “What do I want
to eat?” The nonstop food is
plentiful and generous and is
always so appreciated. But there
are also other ways to help
mourners other than providing
food, especially when there
are kids involved. One friend
took my kids in, washed their
school uniforms, made sure they
showered and brushed their
teeth, fed them and gave them
plenty of love and attention
during the time when I couldn’t.
• The simplest everyday
question — “How are you?” — is
suddenly the hardest to answer.
No response feels quite right.
• Only say “What do you
need?” or “Call me if you need
me,
” if you’re prepared to actually
follow through with random
requests. Better to be specific and
genuine, like “Can I take your
kids out for ice cream?” or even
“Do you want a back massage?”
• Embrace the fact that there
are no words. The whole situation
is tragic. We don’t understand
why this happened. We’re angry
at G-d. We’re in terrible pain. Do
not come along and wax poetic
about G-d’s will or silver linings
— that’s obnoxious. Don’t start
talking about the weather because
you feel awkward sitting in our
pained silence. Jewish tradition
says mourners should initiate the
conversation during shivah. If
you feel terrible and don’t have
any words, own it. Many people
told us, “I don’t know what to
say” and that spoke volumes.
Some special friends just cried
along with us and somehow that
said even more.
• Each visit, call, text and
message meant something.
The fact that people took time
from their busy lives to show
they cared was very humbling
and appreciated. The most
meaningful visits were from
Yehuda Leib’s close friends
and his childhood friends —
there’s nothing like hearing
heartwarming stories we didn’t
know before.
• The week ends quickly, but
for the mourners it’s just the
beginning. The numbness and
grief that hasn’t had a chance to
be processed will start to set in
… We are forever changed. A
piece of us is gone, our hearts
are shattered, the world seems
dimmer.
Please don’t forget about us …
and please never forget our loved
one or be afraid to talk about
him.
PURELY COMMENTARY
essay
Lessons From Shivah
Rochel
Burstyn
Contributing
Writer