4 | FEBRUARY 15 • 2024 J
N

for openers
Lion Tales
T

hank you, Detroit Lions, 
for what was truly a 
magical run. 
Yes, in the NFC Champion-
ship game against the San 
Francisco 49ers 
we were 30 min-
utes or one half 
of football away 
from feeling really 
“Super Duper.
” But 
alas, the ghosts 
of Lions past 
returned for an 
8-minute stretch 
in the third quarter that led to 
our gut-wrenching loss. In an 
instant, we went from “Super 
Duper” to a “Super Stupor.
” 
I’m not in the “second-guess 
camp” over some of Coach Dan 
Campbell’s play calling. He stuck 
with what got us there and this 
time, well, it just fell short. 
The Lions first playoff win 
over the Los Angeles Rams 
ended a more than three- 
decades-long drought of failure. 
It also ended over 30 years of me 
writing sarcastic one-liners about 
the Lion’s futility, both for the 
Dick Purtan Show and the Jewish 
News.
I did a word search of my JN 
columns over the last 14 years 
seeking less-than-complimentary 
references I made about the 
Lions. I stopped after only four 
years having already compiled 16 
wisecracks about the team.
I feel just a little guilty now. 
But not enough to prevent me 
from revisiting a few of them. 
So, here’s a sampling of digs I 
made …
In writing about the Lions 
upcoming TV schedule I said: 
My sources tell me the NFL will 
finally give in to Detroit fans’ 
demands and agree to blackout 
both home and away games this 
year. 

In reference to the combined 
$14 billion spent by the two can-
didates in the 2020 presidential 
campaign, I wrote: So, for the 
sake of argument, let’s say that 
means roughly $7 billion was 
spent on losing. Amazing, but 
probably still less than the Lions 
have spent on losing since their 
last championship in 1957.
In response to TV networks 
filling our TV screens in fan-less 
stadiums during COVID with 
virtual fans, I opined: If the vir-
tual fan experiment pays off in 
audience ratings, I say continue 
using it during the upcoming 
football season with one exception 
— the Detroit Lions. Give them a 
fighting chance and let them use 
virtual players.
Sticking with the COVID 
theme, I wrote a column about 
a box of personal memorabilia 
I went through during the pan-
demic and said: Here’s hoping 

years from now all of our boxes 
of memorabilia will contain a 
letter confirming we got vaccinat-
ed from the COVID virus. Rest 
assured we will beat this virus 
before the Lions beat anybody in 
a playoff. 
This final one is from a col-
umn I wrote about the insanely 
long list of potential side effects 
warnings tagged at the end of 
pharmaceutical television com-
mercials: Despite treating your 
latest medical malady, taking 
this pill might make you dizzy, 
nauseous, have vivid dreams, give 
you a dry mouth, muscle pain, a 
rash, hives, experience weight gain 
and worst of all, you may get the 
uncontrollable urge to watch a 
Lions game.
Ah, those were the days, I 
thought they’
d never end … but 
they have! And make no mis-
take, this recent playoff run by 
the Lions generated a lot of great 

memories for me and others.
I’ll never forget how I had 
to strategize to watch the first 
playoff game against the Rams. 
I very rarely travel, but wouldn’t 
you know it, I had a plane flight 
I couldn’t change that would be 
airborne at precisely the time the 
game was on. 
I ended up watching the 
first half on the plane proudly 
wearing my Lion’s hat. Thank 
goodness the WiFi was working. 
I think I only screamed once, 
which is one time too many on 
a plane. 
I watched the third quarter in 
a cab. Yelled there, too. And got 
to my hotel lobby just in time to 
watch the fourth quarter on a 
gigantic screen. Did more than 
yell there. As the clock ran out, 
I howled and jumped up and 
down releasing years of frustra-
tion with unbridled joy.
Meanwhile, my dear friend 
and former Purtan’s People 
member Larry Lawson (of Story 
Lady and Wendell Ledbetter 
fame), was an eyewitness to, shall 
we say, the ecstasy and then the 
agony, of the Lions loss to the 
49ers.
Larry was watching the 
knee-knocking ending of 
the Lions second playoff 
game against the Tampa Bay 
Buccaneers from his home in 
West Bloomfield. Within sec-
onds after the interception by 
Lion linebacker Derrick Barnes 
secured the team’s place in the 
NFC Championship, Larry 
got a call from his son and San 
Francisco resident (but Lions 
fan), Jeff Lawson.
“I just got tickets to the Lions-
49ers game!” said Jeff. “Want to 
come out?” I think Larry’s bags 
were packed before Jeff finished 
his invite. 
And bravo to Larry’s wife, 

Alan 
Muskovitz
Contributing 
Writer

PURELY COMMENTARY

Larry Lawson and son Jeff cheer on Lions at NFC Championship game 
in San Francisco.

continued on page 6

