4 | DECEMBER 14 • 2023 J N for openers Can You Relate? I n lieu of addressing a spe- cific topic, I’ve chosen to use my last missive of 2023 to clear out my “junk drawer of thoughts. ” They’ve been stored up in my brain and on little sheets of scrap paper with nowhere to go. There will be no connecting of the dots of these comments, just a list of rambling, miscellaneous observations and queries that may, for better or worse, give you more insight to how I tick. I’m taking a risk sharing them, but I have a feeling you might be able to relate to some of the stuff that bounces off the walls in my frontal lobe. You’re just smart enough not to share them publicly. Here we go … • I’ve admitted in the past that I’m a card-carrying hypo- chondriac. I actually get ner- vous when someone tells me they are on the way to a doctor’s appointment. • When splitting the bill for a meal, do you try to sneak a peek at how much of a tip they left? I tend to leave a bigger tip than normal, just in case. • It seems that a day doesn’t go by that I witness something and stop and wonder ... what would Larry David say? • No matter how full I am prior to entering Costco, I still eat every single free sample offered to me. I’m proud to announce I finally bought one of the products I tasted — yummy mini frozen banana muffins with directions to microwave for 35 seconds. I visualize a clipboard in the Costco test kitchen that has 20, 25 and 30 seconds scratched off. • Forgive me in advance, but I fully admit I’m disappointed when I attend a shivah that doesn’t have seven-layer cake. Come on, I know there are a lot of you out there that feel the same way. • I can’t believe it, but my ears are actually getting bigger with age. So far, I’ve been able to resist Googling about it. I know it will lead to some horrific ear disease. • When I last checked, I have 521 notes I wrote to myself on my iPhone’s “Notes” app, at least half of which I now have no idea what they mean. • We all collect free pens, right? Before leaving my house, I always check the name on it. I’ d rather be seen with a pen from my dentist or bank than my proctologist. • Without fail, I have to dou- blecheck with my server in a restaurant that the cup of coffee they’ve just brought me is decaf. • Year-end holiday family newsletters I receive in the mail from people depress me. They’re usually chocked full of too many smiling people, incredible accomplishments and travel to amazing destinations. They remind me of how boring my life is. And then there’s the guilt I feel for throwing out the family photo you sent along. • Another sign of my aging — more often than not, I have never heard of the week’s guest host on Saturday Night Live. And it’s been years since I recognized any of the singing groups? (I used the word sing- ing loosely.) • I saw a quote by somebody that nailed a feeling I get from time to time. They said: “Why is it that your pants pocket only gets caught on a doorknob when you’re already in a bad mood?” • I wish that gas stations would eliminate their video screens on their gas pumps. The voice comes out of nowhere and scares me every time. • Will 2024 finally be the year I wear the shirts and pants that take up the other two-thirds of my closet? • I not only need close cap- tioning now when watching TV , I also have to rewind constant- ly because I can’t read it fast enough. (It would be nice if my hearing improved as my ears got bigger.) • A sure sign I’m not practic- ing mindfulness is the fact that I found an old note on my desk that reminded me to try and practice mindfulness. • I’m convinced batteries I use in my television remotes don’t last as long as they used to. And it makes me mad. Almost as mad as catching my pants pocket on a doorknob. • Why do I keep accidentally turning on the flashlight on my iPhone? • Most recently, if I’m feeling lonely, I’ll accept a call from a telemarketer trying to sell me a Medicare Advantage program just to have someone to talk to. • I can’t believe it, but I’m now carrying a sweater with me into restaurants in case I get cold. What’s happening to me? • I would like every partic- ipant on a reality TV show to take a lie detector test. Here’s wishing you, your family and the world a happy, healthy, peaceful 2024. Hopefully it will be the year I finally get my long-awaited brain transplant. Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/ acting talent, speaker, and emcee. Visit his website at laughwithbigal. com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com. Alan Muskovitz Contributing Writer PURELY COMMENTARY “Dear Reader: Please don’t forget the seven-layer cake. Love, Alan.”