4 | DECEMBER 14 • 2023 J
N
for openers
Can You Relate?
I
n lieu of addressing a spe-
cific topic, I’ve chosen to
use my last missive of 2023
to clear out my “junk drawer
of thoughts.
” They’ve been
stored up in my brain and on
little sheets of
scrap paper with
nowhere to go.
There will be
no connecting of
the dots of these
comments, just a
list of rambling,
miscellaneous
observations and
queries that may, for better or
worse, give you more insight to
how I tick.
I’m taking a risk sharing
them, but I have a feeling you
might be able to relate to some
of the stuff that bounces off the
walls in my frontal lobe. You’re
just smart enough not to share
them publicly. Here we go …
• I’ve admitted in the past
that I’m a card-carrying hypo-
chondriac. I actually get ner-
vous when someone tells me
they are on the way to a doctor’s
appointment.
• When splitting the bill for a
meal, do you try to sneak a peek
at how much of a tip they left?
I tend to leave a bigger tip than
normal, just in case.
• It seems that a day doesn’t
go by that I witness something
and stop and wonder ... what
would Larry David say?
• No matter how full I am
prior to entering Costco, I still
eat every single free sample
offered to me. I’m proud to
announce I finally bought one
of the products I tasted —
yummy mini frozen banana
muffins with directions to
microwave for 35 seconds. I
visualize a clipboard in the
Costco test kitchen that has 20,
25 and 30 seconds scratched off.
• Forgive me in advance, but
I fully admit I’m disappointed
when I attend a shivah that
doesn’t have seven-layer cake.
Come on, I know there are a
lot of you out there that feel the
same way.
• I can’t believe it, but my ears
are actually getting bigger with
age. So far, I’ve been able to
resist Googling about it. I know
it will lead to some horrific ear
disease.
• When I last checked, I have
521 notes I wrote to myself on
my iPhone’s “Notes” app, at least
half of which I now have no
idea what they mean.
• We all collect free pens,
right? Before leaving my house,
I always check the name on it.
I’
d rather be seen with a pen
from my dentist or bank than
my proctologist.
• Without fail, I have to dou-
blecheck with my server in a
restaurant that the cup of coffee
they’ve just brought me is decaf.
• Year-end holiday family
newsletters I receive in the
mail from people depress me.
They’re usually chocked full
of too many smiling people,
incredible accomplishments and
travel to amazing destinations.
They remind me of how boring
my life is. And then there’s the
guilt I feel for throwing out the
family photo you sent along.
• Another sign of my aging
— more often than not, I have
never heard of the week’s guest
host on Saturday Night Live.
And it’s been years since I
recognized any of the singing
groups? (I used the word sing-
ing loosely.)
• I saw a quote by somebody
that nailed a feeling I get from
time to time. They said: “Why
is it that your pants pocket only
gets caught on a doorknob
when you’re already in a bad
mood?”
• I wish that gas stations
would eliminate their video
screens on their gas pumps. The
voice comes out of nowhere and
scares me every time.
• Will 2024 finally be the year
I wear the shirts and pants that
take up the other two-thirds of
my closet?
• I not only need close cap-
tioning now when watching TV
,
I also have to rewind constant-
ly because I can’t read it fast
enough. (It would be nice if my
hearing improved as my ears
got bigger.)
• A sure sign I’m not practic-
ing mindfulness is the fact that
I found an old note on my desk
that reminded me to try and
practice mindfulness.
• I’m convinced batteries I
use in my television remotes
don’t last as long as they used to.
And it makes me mad. Almost
as mad as catching my pants
pocket on a doorknob.
• Why do I keep accidentally
turning on the flashlight on my
iPhone?
• Most recently, if I’m feeling
lonely, I’ll accept a call from a
telemarketer trying to sell me a
Medicare Advantage program
just to have someone to talk to.
• I can’t believe it, but I’m
now carrying a sweater with
me into restaurants in case I get
cold. What’s happening to me?
• I would like every partic-
ipant on a reality TV show to
take a lie detector test.
Here’s wishing you, your
family and the world a
happy, healthy, peaceful 2024.
Hopefully it will be the year
I finally get my long-awaited
brain transplant.
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/
acting talent, speaker, and emcee.
Visit his website at laughwithbigal.
com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach
him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
Alan
Muskovitz
Contributing
Writer
PURELY COMMENTARY
“Dear Reader:
Please don’t forget the
seven-layer cake. Love, Alan.”