4 | DECEMBER 14 • 2023 J
N

for openers

Can You Relate?
I

n lieu of addressing a spe-
cific topic, I’ve chosen to 
use my last missive of 2023 
to clear out my “junk drawer 
of thoughts.
” They’ve been 
stored up in my brain and on 
little sheets of 
scrap paper with 
nowhere to go. 
There will be 
no connecting of 
the dots of these 
comments, just a 
list of rambling, 
miscellaneous 
observations and 
queries that may, for better or 
worse, give you more insight to 
how I tick. 
I’m taking a risk sharing 
them, but I have a feeling you 
might be able to relate to some 
of the stuff that bounces off the 
walls in my frontal lobe. You’re 
just smart enough not to share 
them publicly. Here we go …
• I’ve admitted in the past 
that I’m a card-carrying hypo-
chondriac. I actually get ner-
vous when someone tells me 
they are on the way to a doctor’s 
appointment.
• When splitting the bill for a 
meal, do you try to sneak a peek 
at how much of a tip they left? 
I tend to leave a bigger tip than 
normal, just in case.
• It seems that a day doesn’t 
go by that I witness something 
and stop and wonder ... what 
would Larry David say? 
• No matter how full I am 
prior to entering Costco, I still 
eat every single free sample 
offered to me. I’m proud to 
announce I finally bought one 
of the products I tasted — 
yummy mini frozen banana 
muffins with directions to 
microwave for 35 seconds. I 

visualize a clipboard in the 
Costco test kitchen that has 20, 
25 and 30 seconds scratched off. 
 
• Forgive me in advance, but 
I fully admit I’m disappointed 
when I attend a shivah that 
doesn’t have seven-layer cake. 
Come on, I know there are a 
lot of you out there that feel the 
same way.
• I can’t believe it, but my ears 
are actually getting bigger with 
age. So far, I’ve been able to 
resist Googling about it. I know 
it will lead to some horrific ear 
disease. 
• When I last checked, I have 
521 notes I wrote to myself on 
my iPhone’s “Notes” app, at least 
half of which I now have no 
idea what they mean.
• We all collect free pens, 
right? Before leaving my house, 
I always check the name on it. 
I’
d rather be seen with a pen 
from my dentist or bank than 
my proctologist.
• Without fail, I have to dou-
blecheck with my server in a 
restaurant that the cup of coffee 
they’ve just brought me is decaf.

• Year-end holiday family 
newsletters I receive in the 
mail from people depress me. 
They’re usually chocked full 
of too many smiling people, 
incredible accomplishments and 
travel to amazing destinations. 
They remind me of how boring 
my life is. And then there’s the 
guilt I feel for throwing out the 
family photo you sent along. 
• Another sign of my aging 
— more often than not, I have 
never heard of the week’s guest 
host on Saturday Night Live. 
And it’s been years since I 
recognized any of the singing 
groups? (I used the word sing-
ing loosely.) 
• I saw a quote by somebody 
that nailed a feeling I get from 
time to time. They said: “Why 
is it that your pants pocket only 
gets caught on a doorknob 
when you’re already in a bad 
mood?”
• I wish that gas stations 
would eliminate their video 
screens on their gas pumps. The 
voice comes out of nowhere and 
scares me every time.

• Will 2024 finally be the year 
I wear the shirts and pants that 
take up the other two-thirds of 
my closet?
• I not only need close cap-
tioning now when watching TV
, 
I also have to rewind constant-
ly because I can’t read it fast 
enough. (It would be nice if my 
hearing improved as my ears 
got bigger.)
• A sure sign I’m not practic-
ing mindfulness is the fact that 
I found an old note on my desk 
that reminded me to try and 
practice mindfulness.
• I’m convinced batteries I 
use in my television remotes 
don’t last as long as they used to. 
And it makes me mad. Almost 
as mad as catching my pants 
pocket on a doorknob.
• Why do I keep accidentally 
turning on the flashlight on my 
iPhone?
• Most recently, if I’m feeling 
lonely, I’ll accept a call from a 
telemarketer trying to sell me a 
Medicare Advantage program 
just to have someone to talk to. 
• I can’t believe it, but I’m 
now carrying a sweater with 
me into restaurants in case I get 
cold. What’s happening to me?
• I would like every partic-
ipant on a reality TV show to 
take a lie detector test.

Here’s wishing you, your 
family and the world a 
happy, healthy, peaceful 2024. 
Hopefully it will be the year 
I finally get my long-awaited 
brain transplant. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker, and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.

com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach 

him at amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

Alan 
Muskovitz
Contributing 
Writer

PURELY COMMENTARY

“Dear Reader: 
Please don’t forget the 
seven-layer cake. Love, Alan.”

