10 | NOVEMBER 9 • 2023 J
N

humor
A Backyard Turf War
T

his past May, I witnessed 
the birth of three baby 
deer in our garden. I 
chronicled the blessed event in 
the June 8 edition of the Jewish 
News. At the time, I referred to 
the mother deer 
as “Doe” and her 
three offspring as 
Re, Me and Fa. 
Back in the late 
1990s, while on 
the Dick Purtan 
show on WOMC 
radio, I was an 
eyewitness to the 
live birth of a calf. I was doing 
interviews at the Miracle of Life 
exhibit at the Michigan State 
Fair, which both took my breath 
away and temporarily made me 
lactose intolerant. Before then, 
I had no idea cows also swore 
during childbirth. 
Of course, nothing compared 
to being in the delivery room 
for the birth of my son and, four 
years later, my daughter. 
True story, as the arrival of 
my little girl was imminent, the 
doctor walked in with a glass 
of orange juice intended for my 
wife. But he took one look at 
me, walked past my wife’s out-
stretched hand, and insisted I sit 
down and drink it instead. 
It turns out I was pale as a 
ghost. It was a little embarrass-
ing, but the silver lining was 
the experience prepared me to 
more maturely handle the future 
births of calves and deer.
More recently, my backyard 
has become the epicenter of yet 
another wildlife adventure. On 
the morning of July 25, I awoke 
to see large piles of stones, earth 
and leaves strewn for several 
feet at the base of our kitchen 
window. 
A visit by “James” from our 
pest control company confirmed 

that Groundhog Day had in fact 
come early to the Muskovitz 
household. 
It wasn’t Punxsutawney 
Phil; he, of course, resides in 
Pennsylvania. For the purposes 
of this account, I’ll refer to our 
uninvited guest that burrowed 
upside our house’s foundation 
as … West Bloomfield Willy. Or, 
was it Wilma? 
The gender reveal would have 
to wait until the critter was final-
ly entrapped in a metal cage. It 
was important to know if it was 
female since the mother would 
undoubtedly be housing a few 
pups in her underground bun-
galow.
I was amazed by the amount 
of earth this critter moved to 
create its cavernous abode. I was 
told it could be as deep as 6’ and 
up to 20’ wide. To add insult 
to injury the groundhog didn’t 
even have the courtesy to pull a 
permit.
James set the trap and placed 
bait inside it. However, it took 
several menu changes along 
the way to lure it into our 
mini-Shawshank. The apple-
sauce originally placed in the 
trap wasn’t enough of an allure, 
nor the peanut butter that even-
tually replaced it. 
“Groundhogs also like canta-

loupe,
” James told me upon his 
return visit to our house. Great, 
I’ve got a groundhog that fancies 
ordering off the menu. Well, 
excuuuuse me. Fortunately, I had 
a ripe melon at the ready and we 
placed it in the trap. It turned 
out to be a miracle of a melon.
Finally, after 28 days we 
welcomed a boy groundhog! 
I know it was a male because 
when James came to take it 
away, I watched the examination 
process by which he checked … 
don’t ask.
It was recommended that 
another trap be set for a few days 
to make sure our groundhog 
didn’t sublet his below-ground 
bungalow in his absence. Turns 
out he did, and we caught that 
one, too.
For the record, our pest 
control company removed the 
groundhogs humanely. I was 
told they release the animals in 
a natural habitat at least 10 miles 
away. Apparently, that distance 
lessens the chance of the furry 
fiends returning no matter 
how sophisticated their GPS — 
Groundhog Positioning System.
Meanwhile, a third trap was 
set, yes, a third trap, but finally 
no groundhog. Nope. Less than 
24 hours later our animal time-
share welcomed … a raccoon. 

Oh, fur goodness sake! 
I actually got talked into 
setting a fourth trap and that’s 
when the animals started playing 
mind games on me. On consec-
utive days they devised a way to 
get the food bait out of the cage 
without tripping the trapping 
mechanism. 
One morning I found the cup 
of applesauce outside the trap. 
I put it back. The next day the 
cup of peanut butter appeared 
outside the cage. I was being 
punked by these pests! I swear I 
could hear the sound of animals 
laughing in the distance.
Enough! You win, deer. You 
win, groundhogs. You win, rac-
coons. You are the victors in this 
year’s backyard turf war. From 
now, I decided, I’ll just sit on 
our front porch away from these 
menacing mammal memories 
to enjoy the remaining days of 
summer.
And that worked out great 
… for two days. That’s when 
an incessant knocking noise 
disturbed my newfound peace. 
Turns out a woodpecker was 
knocking his beak nonstop into 
my neighbor’s siding. No wor-
ries, I drowned out that noise 
by hitting my head against our 
siding.
I will now hibernate for the 
coming winter and wait to see 
what the animal kingdom has in 
store for me next year. 
To be sure, I’ll be checking my 
backyard this Feb. 2, the official 
Groundhog Day. And if I see 
one, then I’ll know I have anoth-
er six weeks of James setting 
traps. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/

acting talent, speaker, and emcee. 

Visit his website at laughwithbigal.com. 

“Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at 

amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

CEPHAS

PURELY COMMENTARY

Alan 
Muskovitz
Contributing 
Writer

