30 | SEPTEMBER 14 • 2023 

ROSH HASHANAH

E

velyn* (*not her real name) is getting 
ready to host for the holidays. But 
getting Rosh Hashanah right is about 
more than just the meals they eat in her 
garden or devising the perfect guest list. It’s 
about navigating all of the dynamics to help 
people have a comfortable time, she says. 
The house is always busy and full with 
guests and song, but that doesn’t mean it 
doesn’t need some degree of managing, she 
says. “We have a lot of people with person-
alities that talk a lot of smack, for sure,
” she 
says. “I’m used to it.
” 
And so, ahead of the holiday, she’s installed 
centerpieces that say shalom bayit, peace in 
the home, on her table. 
With Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur 
just days away, families and friends are 
packing their bags and getting ready to 
gather for meals and prayer. But coming 
home and being together isn’t always so easy, 
says Natalie DuBois, director 
of Family Support Services at 
Jewish Family Service. 
For many reasons, from 
families not approving of or 
supporting decisions their kids 
have made, to mental health 

concerns, family and friends in recovery, and 
more, the holidays can be complicated.
“Maybe it’s a family member you’re 
not comfortable with, someone you don’t 
align yourself with anymore,
” DuBois says. 
“Maybe you have different political beliefs — 
if you know you’re going to be triggered, it’s 
knowing what conversations you do or don’t 
want to participate in.
”
DuBois encourages knowing one’s own 
boundaries ahead of time and being aware 
of potential triggers to avoid walking in and 
feeling overwhelmed. Preparation can go a 
long way in helping set the stage for a suc-
cessful gathering, she says. That might mean 
calling relatives ahead of time and setting 
expectations around what will and won’t be 
discussed, she explains. 
“You can say ‘I want to have a very mean-
ingful and special holiday with you. It’s not 
comfortable for me to discuss politics at the 
table,
’” she says. “I think there’s some tough 
decisions you may have to make, and prepar-
ing ahead of time is going to help you in the 
long run — ‘Do I not go? Do I have an exit 
plan? Do I have an exit strategy and how do 
I make this comfortable?’” 
Setting a time limit can be helpful, as can 

engaging in self-care afterwards, such as 
a walk or scheduling time with friends — 
even something as simple as reading a book 
or journaling can help, DuBois explains. 
Coming home for the holidays can also be 
a time for catching up with friends at the 
Franklin Cider Mill or another special spot, 
she adds. 
Evelyn serves her meals outdoors to help 
guests feel relaxed and at home. “Right off 
the bat, people start acting nicer because 
they’re distracted by a squirrel, there’s deer, 
there’s plants, beautiful flowers, tomatoes 
and herbs to pick in the garden. People swirl 
their feet in the gravel, pick up stones and 
make shapes — all of it helps create a calm 
environment.
” 

STRATEGIES FOR A 
PEACEFUL MEAL
She also makes sure to limit the alcohol she 
makes available, especially during daytime 
events. 
 “If people have been struggling because 
we have friends over or relatives over that 
maybe have a drinking thing, we just have to 
be mindful of that,
” she says. 
 They pull out the Pellegrino instead. 

continued on page 32

How to keep peace at your Rosh Hashanah table — 
despite challenging relationships.
Home for the Holidays

KAREN SCHWARTZ CONTRIBUTING WRITER

Natalie 
DuBois

