32 | SEPTEMBER 14 • 2023 

“People don’t have to prove anything. 
Everyone’s equal, the kids, grown-ups, every-
one’s allowed, everyone’s involved.
”
They’ve got a special signal to let people 
know it’s time to change topics and plenty 
of snacks to retrieve when conversation gets 
heated, she says. “If people get very heated and 
want to start a problem, to let it boil over, I 
kind of just try to pivot,
” she says. “My special-
ty is the pivot.
” 
She also encourages people to splinter off 
and go discuss whatever they’
d like to tack 
away from the action. “You’re allowed to have 
a faction, go find a buddy and just go do 
whatever you need to do.
” 
And her kids help by serving up tons of 
compliments to guests over the 
evening. 
Kerri Lanoue, director of 
behavioral health at JFS, says as 
a host, it’s helpful to think about 
the different needs of the peo-
ple who come into one’s home. 
“You may not know if they’ve 
gone through a life transition or if they’re not 
drinking alcohol anymore,
” says Lanoue. “We 
are talking about how in the Jewish tradition 
we often have wine and drinks that are part 
of the holiday, and what does it mean to folks 
that are potentially in recovery and how can 
you ensure that people who are in recovery 
feel comfortable being at your home.
” 
In fact, everyone’s bringing aspects of them-
selves to these holiday spaces, and the most 
hopeful thing a person can do is try to see 
another person’s perspective going into it, she 
says. “It doesn’t mean you need to accept it, 
but just being aware that everyone is coming 
in with different needs at a different place in 
their own life,
” Lanoue says. 
The High Holidays are about reflection and 
repairing relationships, she says, and saying 
“sorry” to someone is powerful. “It has the 
potential to push a relationship back into a 
positive zone rather than a toxic one, even if 
the outcome isn’t that you’re spending more 
time together or back to the way things were,
” 
she says. “It has the potential to heal the 
wound that’s been there for a while.
”
On a practical level, during a meal, hosts 
and guests can help keep the conversation 
light-hearted and help redirect it to take 
the pressure off, she says. “Sometimes you 
can even use light humor to diffuse a tense 
moment, even if the tension is between others 
at the table. Even an off-topic statement about 

the weather, for example, can be an easy way 
to validate that a topic of conversation or com-
ment made may not be appropriate and to 
help the others at the table recognize it is time 
to move on.
’”

COMING HOME
And for people coming home, it can be help-
ful to set up time with friends, creating in a 
way another set of rituals with chosen family. 
“I think that’s important because you get to 
be a part of the food you make, the songs you 
sing, the reflections you want to be present at 
a table,
” Lanoue says. “Because when you’re 
coming home or you’re going to a family 
member’s home, it’s comforting to be part of 
those traditions too, but it’s something some-
one else created.
”
Those coming home for the holidays also 
have the option of sharing traditions they 
started away from home with their families. 
“Bringing aspects of the cultural traditions you 
enjoy and practice on your own to the table 
can be a meaningful way to feel connected to 
the experience and to those you are sharing 
the holiday with,
” Lanoue says.
Danielle*, who lives in the Metro Detroit 
area, is grateful for the Jewish experiences she 
grew up with as part of a Conservative Jewish 
community. That said, she’s not heading home 
for the High Holidays with her husband and 
young child. 
“Maybe that, for me, has been part of the 
boundary setting, growing up and saying 
what is important to me, how do I want to 
celebrate, how can I make this meaningful for 
me, and it’s OK if it looks different than how I 

grew up or how my parents did it?” she says.
Her family is welcoming to her partner, 
who isn’t Jewish, and keeps the invitation 
open, but they’ve chosen to chart their own 
course, she says. And while it’s been somewhat 
isolating without family nearby or a partner 
from the community, it’s also challenged them 
to get involved with community-building, she 
says. 
“In some ways, it’s been nice to be able to 
create our own thing that’s separate from my 
family,
” she says. “I think, having a kid, it’s 
always meaningful to get to share those expe-
riences with them, so I’ve been really apprecia-
tive of the child-focused services at the various 
synagogues and for us to experience those 
together.
”
Even from a distance, she says, she fields 
questions about if she’s going to synagogue 
and how she’s celebrating. “Sometimes the 
answer is ‘I’m not’ or ‘I am, but maybe not in 
the ways you are’
,
” she says. “It kind of depends 
on what’s going on.
”
Rabbi Paul Yedwab, who’s work-
ing on a book about “difficult” 
relatives, encourages people not 
to cut complicated family mem-
bers out of their lives, with cases 
of abuse being the exception. “I 
always tell people it doesn’t have 
to be every holiday, but that difficult mother-
in-law, whatever it is, you should make sure 
there’s a holiday that they’re invited to during 
the year; it should never be none,
” he says.
As someone who talks to families before 
weddings, bar mitzvahs, holidays and the like, 
he suggests tailoring that time so the conver-
sation isn’t about politics or old gripes. He also 
suggests bringing down expectations. 
“I think people underestimate the power of 
pleasant time spent together,” he says. “You 
may have to remove yourself for a while to 
make that time pleasant, you may have to 
change the subject, you may have to laugh at 
things you don’t want to laugh at, but trying 
for pleasant time spent together as a family 
is much more important than dealing with 
whatever torrid issues are tearing you apart 
as a family. You should do that in therapy, 
not necessarily over the Rosh Hashanah 
table.” 
Likewise, he says, it’s not the time or place 
for parents to scrutinize adult children’s choic-
es or discuss their disappointment. “If you’re 
going to make it unpleasant, they’re not going 
to come home.
” 

Rabbi Paul 
Yedwab

Kerri 
Lanoue

Evelyn’s holiday centerpiece

ROSH HASHANAH
continued from page 30

