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Although the congregation has 
offered the option for almost 
five years, this is the first year 
they have had teens opting for 
the inclusive version. Greene 
said that the congregation also 
has teens who have transitioned 
after their b’nai mitzvah. He 
estimates that they have five-
to-seven teen congregants who 
identify as trans or genderqueer, 
meaning they do not identify 
with the gender they were 
assigned at birth. 

MIRRORING THE 
TRADITIONAL
B’mitzvahs at Har Hashem 
mirror the traditional gendered 
ceremonies in everything 
but language. “We have folks 
that don’t feel like a ‘ben’ or a ‘bat,’” 
said Greene, using the Hebrew words 
meaning “son” and “daughter.” 
“So we come up with other Hebrew 
terms, [such as] ‘beit,’ which is from 
“the house of [parent name].” He said 
that a number of changes can be made 
to the Hebrew to increase inclusivity, 
ranging from the creation of new terms 
to using the infinitive version of words 
that would otherwise be gendered. 
“We’re not treating anybody any 
differently, other than being sensitive to 
their needs,” he said. 
Ruby Marx, a 16-year-old who uses 
she/her pronouns, had a gender-neutral 
b’mitzvah with Temple Beth Zion in 
the Boston area in early 2020, pre-
pandemic. “I always knew that I was 
gonna have to have [a b’nai mitzvah]. 
But when it came time to start thinking 
about it, I was like, ‘I really don’t feel 
comfortable having a bat mitzvah.’ 
But I wasn’t comfortable [having a bar 
mitzvah], either. So someone suggested 
that I do something in the middle. And 
that felt right for me.”
Marx, who describes herself as 
gender-fluid, was the first teen in her 
congregation to have a ceremony that 
didn’t fall within either the bar or 
bat categories. In the years following, 
several other teens in her community 
have had gender-neutral ceremonies, 
including one who had a ceremony in 
mid-March. 
“I don’t think anyone else had done 

something like that before,” said Marx. 
“I think a lot of other kids started to 
feel comfortable being like, ‘Oh, maybe 
that’s something I would want to do,’ 
or incorporating different things that 
they’re passionate about [into their 
ceremonies].” 
For her ceremony, she wore a prayer 
shawl featuring rainbow trimming and 
various rock n’ roll patches from her 
favorite bands. Marx said that the most 
rewarding part of her experience has 
been being a trailblazer for inclusion 
in her congregation. “It definitely feels 
good to know that I can help other kids 
feel comfortable being who they are, 
because I know that sometimes I’m not 
always comfortable being who I am. It’s 
nice to know that kids can look up to 
me,” she said. 

COMING-OF-AGE RITUAL EVOLVES
Gender inclusion in b’nai mitzvahs has 
been expanding for decades, beginning 
with the American introduction of the 
bat mitzvah in 1922 for the daughter of 
Rabbi Mordecai Kaplan, the founder of 
Reconstructionism, in New York City. 
Before that, only boys were allowed 
to engage in the important coming 
of age tradition. After Judith Kaplan’s 
ceremony, the custom slowly spread 
across the country in non-Orthodox 
synagogues. For decades, however, the 
ceremonies for girls differed from those 
offered to boys: In many synagogues, 
girls were not allowed to read from 
the Torah, and their services were held 

on Friday nights rather than 
Saturday mornings. Orthodox 
synagogues were slow in 
accepting the bat mitzvah, and 
still maintain strict gender roles 
in synagogue.
As feminism progressed 
both outside and within Jewish 
communities, girls pushed 
to be allowed to read from 
the Torah and to be counted 
toward a minyan, the 10-person 
quorum required for public 
prayer. Full bat mitzvahs became 
an accepted norm. A similar 
pattern is now occurring for 
b’mitzvahs. 
As a coming-of-age ritual, 
b’nai mitzvahs occupy a unique 
role in Jewish life. Their goal 
is to integrate young Jews into 
the broader community, signaling that 
they have the knowledge and maturity 
to take on adult ritual responsibilities. 
Because of this, many young trans 
Jews wish to have a ceremony that 
will fully reflect them as they become 
more involved in their community and 
beyond. 
Brave, the Colorado teen, chose to 
have their ceremony gender-neutral to 
ensure it still fit them down the road. 
“I don’t really know what I’m going 
to identify as in the future, because 
identity is fluid. And while I may be 
comfortable right now with being closer 
to a male identity, [later] I might be less 
comfortable with that,” they said. 
Marx, the gender-fluid teen outside 
of Boston, said entering the community 
as her authentic self was an integral part 
of her choice. “I had grown up watching 
all my cousins, and then my sister, have 
[ceremonies]. Afterwards, they were a lot 
more independent in their Jewish identity. 
That was something that appealed to me, 
because I wanted to be connected to the 
Jewish community, but I wanted to do it 
in my own way,” said Marx. 
B’mitzvahs aren’t the only gender-
inclusive ceremony offered now. Many 
Reform congregations have also created 
ceremonies for gender transitions, 
Hebrew name changes and coming 
out, often based on a curriculum 
offered by the Central Conference 
of American Rabbis. “These are holy 
moments of growth and transformation, 

COURTESY PAMELA JOY PHOTOGRAPHY

Ruby Marx playing 
the guitar during a 
benefit concert she 
held for her 
mitzvah project. 

APRIL 27 • 2023 | 47

