48 | APRIL 27 • 2023 

and we want to be supportive in their 
journeys,” Rabbi Greene of Har Hashem 
said. Brave also had a ceremony with 
Har Hashem to change their Hebrew 
name, and the synagogue made them 
an updated yad — a pointer used in 
reading Torah — to match.
Teens who were not able to do their 
ceremony gender-neutral say having 
access to inclusive ceremonies would 
have increased the enjoyment and 
meaning of their b’nai mitzvahs. “I 
would have felt more like I was stepping 
into my own skin, instead of the skin 
[of someone] that I was pretending to 
be,” said Mica Newmark. The 17-year-
old, who uses they/them pronouns, had 
a gendered ceremony at Nevei Kodesh, 
a Renewal synagogue in Boulder, before 
coming into their identity more. Since 
their ceremony, Newmark has grown 
apart from religion. “I don’t really relate 
anymore,” they said. 
Even teens who were more clear 
on their identity struggled with 
having gendered ceremonies. Jay, a 
15-year-old from Boulder, came out 
immediately following their ceremony. 
(Jay, estranged from a parent who has 
a leadership role in their synagogue, 
asked that their last name be omitted.) 
They found the ceremony “pretty 
stressful” and their coming out 
experience difficult, explaining that 
they wanted everyone to understand 
the concept of existing outside of the 
gender binary, but didn’t feel that was 
possible at the time. “I had really long 
hair then, so I wanted to cut it and just 
be more me,” Jay said. “But I was really 
stressed, because I knew I was going to 
get misgendered at the ceremony.” 
In the following years, Jay helped 
to institute the use of pronoun pins at 
synagogue events, as well as generally 
making an effort to educate community 
members on transgender issues. “I 
think [gender-neutral ceremonies] 
allow queer Jewish people to embrace 
their religion and continue to flourish 
within Judaism without feeling 
gendered,” they said. 

RESOURCES FOR 
NON-BINARY TEENS
Keshet, a national Jewish LGBTQ+ 
organization, published a guide for 
b’mitzvah ceremonies. “Celebrating 
the Age of Mitzvah: A Guide for all 
Genders” includes information from 
what to call the ceremony to what 
the dress code should be, all aimed at 
helping communities create inclusive 
and meaningful traditions. 
The need for the resources 
came from synagogues and young 
congregants, said Jackie Maris, the 
Chicago education and training 
manager for the organization. 
“It’s not just Jewish boys and girls 
becoming Jewish men and women; 
it’s Jewish kids of all gender identities 
becoming Jewish adults,” said Maris. 
“Having a tool that helps guide 
everyone through that process, with 
gender-expansive language and rituals 
that include folks beyond the binary, is 
very needed.”
Keshet recently updated the 
resources. “Adjusting practices to make 
them more inclusive is what has always 
been done in Jewish tradition,” said 
Maris. 
“Even ancient practices and rituals 
have evolved over time, and because 
they are human-constructed, we 
continue to humanly evolve them.”
However, a number of communities 
still mainly offer gendered ceremonies. 
Orthodox synagogues and others that 
are non-egalitarian have not made 
widespread shifts toward gender-neutral 
ceremonies.
Despite the strict gender 
separation in Orthodoxy, there is 
also a growing push for inclusion of 
LGBTQ+ individuals in these spaces. 
Organizations like Eshel, a nonprofit 
based in the United States and Canada, 
work to provide LGBTQ+ Orthodox 
Jews and their families with resources 
for living and thriving in Orthodox 
Jewish spaces. Other organizations are 
targeted specifically at teens, such as 
Jewish Queer Youth, which engages 

queer youth from Orthodox, Hasidic 
and traditionalist Sephardi/Mizrahi 
communities.
“LGBTQ youth who live in a 
community that is accepting of LGBTQ 
people reported significantly lower 
rates of attempting suicide than those 
who do not,” reports The Trevor 
Project. 
For both Brave and Marx, their 
communities, families and friends were 
largely supportive of their decision 
to have non-gendered ceremonies. 
“It definitely felt like the community 
showed me a lot of love to be able to do 
that,” Marx said. “I was really able to be 
myself.”
By expanding inclusion, Jewish 
institutions are expanding their reach 
and impact, as well as creating more 
engaging communities. 
“I don’t think that God creates in 
vain. And so, while there’s a lot of 
people that are still learning, including 
myself, about issues relating to gender 
and identity, our role as a sacred space 
and a Jewish community is to have an 
open tent where folks can enter in any 
doorway they want, because there are 
no doors,” said Rabbi Greene of Har 
Hashem. 
Brave said that their ceremony 
made them feel fully included in their 
synagogue. “It felt good to officially be 
a part of a community that I can’t really 
get taken away from,” they said. 

continued from page 47

KESHET

Keshet publishes a 
guide to “design and support 
affirming b’mitzvah celebrations.” 

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