4 | APRIL 20 • 2023
for openers
A Well-Deserved Vacation
I
just returned from what was our first
real vacation in several years, and I’m
eternally grateful for the much-needed
heavenly respite it provided. It was a true
getaway at an oceanside hotel in Miami
Beach.
Usually, I live vicariously
through the vacation photos
people post on Facebook,
which serves as a constant
reminder of where I haven’t
been and what I haven’t been
doing.
I don’t post personal stuff
on Facebook, and I most cer-
tainly was not going to start now and sub-
ject you to a photo of me in a bathing suit.
Our travels also included the first time
since the onset of the pandemic that we
went maskless 24/7, but not in transit. At
the airport and during the flight, we were
fully committed to our masks unlike 99%
of the other passengers, including the kid
sitting directly behind us who was cough-
ing up a lung for the entire flight.
The “cougher” led to some cabin chaos
when a woman stood up from her seat and
tore into the mother of the child yelling for
all to hear: “Would you put a (bleep) mask
on that kid.
” A real conversation starter.
The father of the child yelled back at the
woman not to talk to his wife that way and
took out his phone to video the episode
which meant I was about to be an “extra” in
yet another soon-to-be in-flight passenger
confrontation seen on the internet.
Fortunately, it didn’t escalate any further
but, and I kid you not, immediately after
the verbal volley I honestly wanted to break
out in a rendition of “God Bless America.
” I
regret I didn’t.
One of the highlights of the trip involved
the early morning recognizance mission
of securing lounge chairs at the pool. The
pool was visible from our eighth-floor hotel
room, and I communicated by phone with
my wife as I maneuvered to find the best
location. The key is to bring enough objects
with you to signal that the chairs are ocupa-
do; in my case a newspaper, a water bottle
and my fanny pack.
Yes, I still wear a fanny pack. Nothing
screams South Beach hip more than a
plump, pasty white Midwesterner wear-
ing a black, vinyl fanny pack to go along
with my bright blue jogging shoes, Beatles
T-shirt and Michigan State cap. I stood out
like one of those attention-getting 20-ft.
tall inflatable men you see outside car
dealerships.
A true vacation lets you step outside
your everyday reality and provides a fresh
perspective. The one thing that stood out
most — I am more seriously attached to my
iPhone than I thought, and I wasn’t alone.
Practically every pool lounge chair occu-
pant was on their phone, every parent,
every kid — I swear I think I even saw a
few seagulls scrolling through Instagram.
Every poolside restaurant patron was on
their phone. I admit, we asked for a table
closest to an outlet so we could recharge
our batteries. It really was disturbing to see
that even on a vacation getaway, we can’t
get away from our phones.
I did get reintroduced to a lost art — the
holding and reading of a real, black ink
rubbing-off-on-your-fingers newspaper.
The hotel provided complimentary New
York Times and Wall Street Journals, and I
loved it. Though I still haven’t learned the
art of turning newspaper pages in 15-MPH
winds.
One thing this vacation also confirmed
is that I am truly in need of help from Dr.
Rick, star of the Progressive Insurance
commercials. Dr Rick’s mission is to save
people like myself who suffer from what he
calls “parentamorphosis,
” the act of turning
into your parents. I’ve written about this
before.
As a sufferer of parentamorphosis, I have
the irresistible urge to make comments to
everyone to the absolute horror and humil-
iation of my family.
One of the current Progressive commer-
cials shows Dr. Rick helping a man over-
come his habit of commenting to people on
elevators. As an occupant of an eighth-floor
hotel room, I had numerous eight-floor
rides up and down worth of comments
over the course of seven days.
Example: After a huge meal one night,
I commented to my fellow elevator pas-
sengers that “I wasn’t sure the elevator
was going to go up based on the amount
of food I just consumed.
” Comments like
that virtually guarantee my family will only
reserve first-floor rooms in the future.
Another example was when I passed a
father and son throwing a football on the
beach to which I said: “Hey, the next Tom
Brady there, huh?” My son didn’t see the
whole episode because he had already start-
ed burying his head in the sand.
Finally, there was this elderly couple who
passed me on the way to the pool. The
husband was wearing a T-shirt that said:
“I’m not an idiot.
” I stopped them and said:
“Well, I am an idiot.
”
We preceded to have a wonderful con-
versation where I learned they were origi-
nally from Russia and, to my amazement,
they actually lived near me in Southfield
back in 1979. What a small world and what
a great vacation.
Yes, it’s amazing what you can experience
when you’re not looking at your phone.
Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent,
speaker, and emcee. Visit his website at laughwith-
bigal.com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at
amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.
Alan
Muskovitz
PURELY COMMENTARY
Alan on
vacation.