4 | APRIL 20 • 2023 

for openers
A Well-Deserved Vacation
I 

just returned from what was our first 
real vacation in several years, and I’m 
eternally grateful for the much-needed 
heavenly respite it provided. It was a true 
getaway at an oceanside hotel in Miami 
Beach. 
Usually, I live vicariously 
through the vacation photos 
people post on Facebook, 
which serves as a constant 
reminder of where I haven’t 
been and what I haven’t been 
doing. 
I don’t post personal stuff 
on Facebook, and I most cer-
tainly was not going to start now and sub-
ject you to a photo of me in a bathing suit.
Our travels also included the first time 
since the onset of the pandemic that we 
went maskless 24/7, but not in transit. At 
the airport and during the flight, we were 
fully committed to our masks unlike 99% 
of the other passengers, including the kid 
sitting directly behind us who was cough-
ing up a lung for the entire flight. 
The “cougher” led to some cabin chaos 
when a woman stood up from her seat and 
tore into the mother of the child yelling for 
all to hear: “Would you put a (bleep) mask 
on that kid.
” A real conversation starter.
The father of the child yelled back at the 
woman not to talk to his wife that way and 
took out his phone to video the episode 
which meant I was about to be an “extra” in 
yet another soon-to-be in-flight passenger 
confrontation seen on the internet.
Fortunately, it didn’t escalate any further 
but, and I kid you not, immediately after 
the verbal volley I honestly wanted to break 
out in a rendition of “God Bless America.
” I 
regret I didn’t. 
One of the highlights of the trip involved 
the early morning recognizance mission 
of securing lounge chairs at the pool. The 
pool was visible from our eighth-floor hotel 
room, and I communicated by phone with 
my wife as I maneuvered to find the best 
location. The key is to bring enough objects 
with you to signal that the chairs are ocupa-
do; in my case a newspaper, a water bottle 
and my fanny pack. 

Yes, I still wear a fanny pack. Nothing 
screams South Beach hip more than a 
plump, pasty white Midwesterner wear-
ing a black, vinyl fanny pack to go along 
with my bright blue jogging shoes, Beatles 
T-shirt and Michigan State cap. I stood out 
like one of those attention-getting 20-ft. 
tall inflatable men you see outside car 
dealerships.
A true vacation lets you step outside 
your everyday reality and provides a fresh 
perspective. The one thing that stood out 
most — I am more seriously attached to my 
iPhone than I thought, and I wasn’t alone.
Practically every pool lounge chair occu-
pant was on their phone, every parent, 
every kid — I swear I think I even saw a 
few seagulls scrolling through Instagram. 
Every poolside restaurant patron was on 
their phone. I admit, we asked for a table 
closest to an outlet so we could recharge 
our batteries. It really was disturbing to see 
that even on a vacation getaway, we can’t 
get away from our phones. 
I did get reintroduced to a lost art — the 
holding and reading of a real, black ink 
rubbing-off-on-your-fingers newspaper. 
The hotel provided complimentary New 
York Times and Wall Street Journals, and I 
loved it. Though I still haven’t learned the 

art of turning newspaper pages in 15-MPH 
winds.
One thing this vacation also confirmed 
is that I am truly in need of help from Dr. 
Rick, star of the Progressive Insurance 
commercials. Dr Rick’s mission is to save 
people like myself who suffer from what he 
calls “parentamorphosis,
” the act of turning 
into your parents. I’ve written about this 
before.
As a sufferer of parentamorphosis, I have 
the irresistible urge to make comments to 
everyone to the absolute horror and humil-
iation of my family. 
One of the current Progressive commer-
cials shows Dr. Rick helping a man over-
come his habit of commenting to people on 
elevators. As an occupant of an eighth-floor 
hotel room, I had numerous eight-floor 
rides up and down worth of comments 
over the course of seven days. 
Example: After a huge meal one night, 
I commented to my fellow elevator pas-
sengers that “I wasn’t sure the elevator 
was going to go up based on the amount 
of food I just consumed.
” Comments like 
that virtually guarantee my family will only 
reserve first-floor rooms in the future. 
Another example was when I passed a 
father and son throwing a football on the 
beach to which I said: “Hey, the next Tom 
Brady there, huh?” My son didn’t see the 
whole episode because he had already start-
ed burying his head in the sand.
Finally, there was this elderly couple who 
passed me on the way to the pool. The 
husband was wearing a T-shirt that said: 
“I’m not an idiot.
” I stopped them and said: 
“Well, I am an idiot.
”
We preceded to have a wonderful con-
versation where I learned they were origi-
nally from Russia and, to my amazement, 
they actually lived near me in Southfield 
back in 1979. What a small world and what 
a great vacation.
Yes, it’s amazing what you can experience 
when you’re not looking at your phone. 

Alan Muskovitz is a writer, voice-over/acting talent, 

speaker, and emcee. Visit his website at laughwith-

bigal.com,”Like” Al on Facebook and reach him at 

amuskovitz@thejewishnews.com.

Alan 
Muskovitz

PURELY COMMENTARY

Alan on 
vacation.

