16 | FEBRUARY 9 • 2023
and peace. Dan and Andrea found some of
what they were missing in each other; they
married in 2005.
“We understood each other in a deeper
way,
” Andrea said. “We both understood and
had been affected by alcoholism. At that point,
we’d both been in the program for a number
of years and spoke a common language.”
They’
d learned from their mistakes and
have each other by their side as they face the
future.
“People grow spiritually from their recov-
ery and tend to become different people. If
you can recover together, you will see each
other in a different way … You’ll be able to
manage a healthy relationship,
” Dan said.
HOW AL-ANON WORKS
According to the CDC, more than 10 million
Americans can be classified as alcoholics.
According to Al-Anon, “alcoholism is a fam-
ily disease.
” Meaning for each alcoholic, there
are at least 10 people who are affected and
suffering as a result — usually the alcoholic’s
parents, siblings, spouse and chil-
dren. It can also affect friendships.
“Living with the effects of
someone else’s drinking is too
devastating for most people
to bear without help,
” says the
Al-Anon literature. There are
well-known behaviors like los-
ing inhibitions and becoming
physically sick, but alcoholics
also frequently lie (seemingly for
no reason), gaslight and engage
in forms of verbal, emotional or
physical abuse.
Although it started for families of alco-
holics, anyone affected by any addiction is
welcome to join Al-Anon.
One thing emphasized at Al-Anon meet-
ings is what’s known as the “three C’s” —“We
didn’t cause our loved one’s addiction, we
can’t control it and we can’t cure it.
”
Another emphasis is on detaching with
love. The literature states, “Detachment
allows us to let go of our obsession with
another’s behavior and begin to lead happier
and more manageable lives with dignity …
We can still love the person without liking
the behavior.
”
Al-Anon uses clever acronyms to help
participants remember their mottos.
DETACH stands for Don’t Even Think
About Changing Him/Her. Other good ones
include FEAR — False Evidence Appearing
Real … GOD — Good Orderly Direction …
LOVE — Let Others Voluntarily Evolve …
and NUTS — Not Using The Steps!
Anonymity is important at Al-Anon,
which is why participants use only their first
names. Everyone was a beginner once and
remembers how lost they felt. “Everyone has
a story,
” Steve said. “Something happens that
brings you to the realization that you just
can’t go on living the same way anymore.
”
There’s love and understanding in the
room as members share whatever they want.
“
At Al-Anon, we learn our qualifier isn’t
drinking at us; they’re drinking because
they’re alcoholics. We don’t have to change our
lives because of what they’re doing,
” Dan said.
The Steps encourage sincere self-reflection
and examination.
“With the Steps, you’re clearing away
things from the past that are weighing you
down. You’re identifying a problem, making
amends, relieving yourself of the weight of
yesterday’s mistakes,
” Dan explained.
Steps 8 and 9 are about making amends to
people we have harmed.
Dan shared what it was like when he
explored those steps. “I turned to my loved
ones, acknowledged my actions and then
asked, ‘How else did my alcoholism affect
you?’ My daughter was affected in ways I
couldn’t even imagine. I made it my job to
rectify the harms I’
d done her, to be the par-
ent I hadn’t been for so long, to try and fix
the problems I’
d created.
”
Andrea also explored restitution with her
children.
“I had been so affected by my ex-husband’s
alcoholism when my children were growing
up, my focus wasn’t on them like it should
have been,
” Andrea said. “In Al-Anon, we
don’t beg for forgiveness; we actively change
the way we treat people. I focus on them
much more now.
”
For many, Al-Anon meetings are the place
they first recognize and acknowledge their
tendency to be codependents, a term coined
in the 1940s and 1950s to explain imbalanced
relationships where one inadvertently enables
another person’s self-destructive behavior.
“Most of us at Al-Anon tend to take care
of people,
” Steve said. “
At Al-Anon, we learn
how that’s damaging. We need to take care of
ourselves so we can better help others. It’s not
selfish to look after ourselves.
”
Al-Anon members claim that working the
12 Steps is a lifelong ambition that has a pos-
itive effect on every relationship and interac-
tion in their lives, far beyond the addict and
their families.
PASSING IT ON
In Al-Anon, Step 12 reads “to try to carry
the message to others.” That’s why Steve is
still leading these meetings.
“I was given a gift; people gave me their
strength when I went through my darkest
times. I’m paying it forward,” Steve said.
That’s also why many of the long-timers,
the core group who met back at the
Methodist church meetings, still
attend. Their marriages may have
long ended, or their “qualifier” may
have been successful in a recovery
program … but they’re still showing
up to support others who are in the
same situation they once were.
“Part of the way I maintain my
own spiritual growth is by extending
my hand backwards to help the next
person,
” Dan said. “I’m in a better
place now, but I want to give back.
I always leave meetings feeling better than
when I entered them.
”
Al-Anon members understand each other
in ways that no one else can. Their lives are
changed from what they have experienced.
“Once you’ve been in a relationship
with an addict, you’re forever affected; you
can’t take it out of your emotional library,”
Andrea said.
For more information about Friendship House, contact
Rabbi Benny on (248) 788-8888 or email benny@
friendshipcircle.org. A list of virtual, phone and in
person Al-Anon meetings are listed on alanon.org.
Al-Anon meetings held in Oakland County are listed
on oaklandafg.org.
See a related story on page 50.
“IT’S NOT ABOUT FIXING
THE ALCOHOLIC; IT’S ABOUT
STRENGTHENING OURSELVES SO
WE KNOW THAT WHATEVER ELSE
IS GOING ON, WE’LL BE OK.”
— RABBI BENNY GREENWALD
continued from page 15
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