16 | FEBRUARY 9 • 2023 

and peace. Dan and Andrea found some of 
what they were missing in each other; they 
married in 2005.
“We understood each other in a deeper 
way,
” Andrea said. “We both understood and 
had been affected by alcoholism. At that point, 
we’d both been in the program for a number 
of years and spoke a common language.”
They’
d learned from their mistakes and 
have each other by their side as they face the 
future. 
“People grow spiritually from their recov-
ery and tend to become different people. If 
you can recover together, you will see each 
other in a different way … You’ll be able to 
manage a healthy relationship,
” Dan said. 

HOW AL-ANON WORKS
According to the CDC, more than 10 million 
Americans can be classified as alcoholics. 
According to Al-Anon, “alcoholism is a fam-
ily disease.
” Meaning for each alcoholic, there 
are at least 10 people who are affected and 
suffering as a result — usually the alcoholic’s 
parents, siblings, spouse and chil-
dren. It can also affect friendships. 
“Living with the effects of 
someone else’s drinking is too 
devastating for most people 
to bear without help,
” says the 
Al-Anon literature. There are 
well-known behaviors like los-
ing inhibitions and becoming 
physically sick, but alcoholics 
also frequently lie (seemingly for 
no reason), gaslight and engage 
in forms of verbal, emotional or 
physical abuse. 
Although it started for families of alco-
holics, anyone affected by any addiction is 
welcome to join Al-Anon. 
One thing emphasized at Al-Anon meet-
ings is what’s known as the “three C’s” —“We 
didn’t cause our loved one’s addiction, we 
can’t control it and we can’t cure it.
”
Another emphasis is on detaching with 
love. The literature states, “Detachment 
allows us to let go of our obsession with 
another’s behavior and begin to lead happier 
and more manageable lives with dignity … 
We can still love the person without liking 
the behavior.
”
Al-Anon uses clever acronyms to help 
participants remember their mottos. 
DETACH stands for Don’t Even Think 

About Changing Him/Her. Other good ones 
include FEAR — False Evidence Appearing 
Real … GOD — Good Orderly Direction … 
LOVE — Let Others Voluntarily Evolve … 
and NUTS — Not Using The Steps!
Anonymity is important at Al-Anon, 
which is why participants use only their first 
names. Everyone was a beginner once and 
remembers how lost they felt. “Everyone has 
a story,
” Steve said. “Something happens that 
brings you to the realization that you just 
can’t go on living the same way anymore.
”
There’s love and understanding in the 
room as members share whatever they want.
“
At Al-Anon, we learn our qualifier isn’t 
drinking at us; they’re drinking because 
they’re alcoholics. We don’t have to change our 
lives because of what they’re doing,
” Dan said. 
The Steps encourage sincere self-reflection 
and examination. 
“With the Steps, you’re clearing away 
things from the past that are weighing you 
down. You’re identifying a problem, making 
amends, relieving yourself of the weight of 
yesterday’s mistakes,
” Dan explained. 
Steps 8 and 9 are about making amends to 

people we have harmed. 
Dan shared what it was like when he 
explored those steps. “I turned to my loved 
ones, acknowledged my actions and then 
asked, ‘How else did my alcoholism affect 
you?’ My daughter was affected in ways I 
couldn’t even imagine. I made it my job to 
rectify the harms I’
d done her, to be the par-
ent I hadn’t been for so long, to try and fix 
the problems I’
d created.
”
Andrea also explored restitution with her 
children. 
“I had been so affected by my ex-husband’s 
alcoholism when my children were growing 
up, my focus wasn’t on them like it should 
have been,
” Andrea said. “In Al-Anon, we 
don’t beg for forgiveness; we actively change 
the way we treat people. I focus on them 

much more now.
”
For many, Al-Anon meetings are the place 
they first recognize and acknowledge their 
tendency to be codependents, a term coined 
in the 1940s and 1950s to explain imbalanced 
relationships where one inadvertently enables 
another person’s self-destructive behavior. 
“Most of us at Al-Anon tend to take care 
of people,
” Steve said. “
At Al-Anon, we learn 
how that’s damaging. We need to take care of 
ourselves so we can better help others. It’s not 
selfish to look after ourselves.
”
Al-Anon members claim that working the 
12 Steps is a lifelong ambition that has a pos-
itive effect on every relationship and interac-
tion in their lives, far beyond the addict and 
their families. 

PASSING IT ON
In Al-Anon, Step 12 reads “to try to carry 
the message to others.” That’s why Steve is 
still leading these meetings.
“I was given a gift; people gave me their 
strength when I went through my darkest 
times. I’m paying it forward,” Steve said. 
That’s also why many of the long-timers, 
the core group who met back at the 
Methodist church meetings, still 
attend. Their marriages may have 
long ended, or their “qualifier” may 
have been successful in a recovery 
program … but they’re still showing 
up to support others who are in the 
same situation they once were.
“Part of the way I maintain my 
own spiritual growth is by extending 
my hand backwards to help the next 
person,
” Dan said. “I’m in a better 
place now, but I want to give back. 
I always leave meetings feeling better than 
when I entered them.
”
Al-Anon members understand each other 
in ways that no one else can. Their lives are 
changed from what they have experienced. 
“Once you’ve been in a relationship 
with an addict, you’re forever affected; you 
can’t take it out of your emotional library,” 
Andrea said. 

For more information about Friendship House, contact 

Rabbi Benny on (248) 788-8888 or email benny@

friendshipcircle.org. A list of virtual, phone and in 

person Al-Anon meetings are listed on alanon.org. 

Al-Anon meetings held in Oakland County are listed 

on oaklandafg.org.

See a related story on page 50.

“IT’S NOT ABOUT FIXING 
THE ALCOHOLIC; IT’S ABOUT 
STRENGTHENING OURSELVES SO 
WE KNOW THAT WHATEVER ELSE 

IS GOING ON, WE’LL BE OK.”

— RABBI BENNY GREENWALD

continued from page 15
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